Anniversary Reflections

As we ate our dinner and enjoyed the perfect temperature on the patio at Parthenon, we talked about how good it is to have been married 11 years. We've now been married long enough to have been in love, annoyed, blessed, hurt, close, distant and everything in between. We've walked on mountain tops together, like our honeymoon and the birth of Emma and our recent trip to India together. We've walked through valleys and storms like disagreements about parenting issues and really painful ministry moments. Each of us has changed and grown through the years. Career changes, hobby and interest shifts, we don't quite look the same as we did (although I swear Scott keeps getting better looking!) In all the highs and lows there is a constant for us that is very much an anchor of security. Our marriage is cemented in a covenant before God. We said "I do", and while we really are still learning who and what we said "I do" to, the conviction that WE are in this together forever offers such peace. Some days are pure wedded bliss. But most are a mix of good and bad. For we are both broken people who love imperfectly, who struggle against selfishness and apathy and pride. On our best day, we do not love one another the way Christ loves us. But as we keep moving forward together, the Lord keeps teaching us how to love.

I read an article recently that said studies show that couples who divorced, would have been happy in five years if they had just stayed together. They got this statistic by interviewing hundreds of couples who considered divorce, but stayed committed and in five years were so thankful they stayed together because their marriage had not only survived, but grown. For us, divorce is simply not on the table. We do not have a plan B. Having been through a divorce in my other life, this was especially important to me prior to getting married to Scott. So we look at difficult times this way: Since we are going to be together forever, we must find a way to work through _____.

The benefit of 11 years together is perspective. I am able to see highs and lows differently as we walk through them. Another positive is being so deeply known by another person, yet loved as I am. There is no one who sees my ugly side as much as my husband. Being loved and treasured while being seen that transparently is a gift. It is meant to mirror God's love for me, and it does.

before heading out on our date

Did you know my name means "Busy Bee"?

Today has been good. Got up around 6:30, got Little Miss Fluff and Sparkle ready for her end of the year party which was a 50's theme, that I didn't know was today because I didn't read my email last night and discover the day had been changed. However, Em had already devised a costume, so it was fairly simple. Took kids to school, came home and got ready for work (and the hair was way better today than yesterday, when it actually half fell out of the up-do I had it in during the middle of a counseling session). Then went to work for 5 hours. Twas a good Branches day (some are harder than others of course) and left to come home and eat some lunch before heading back out the door to pick up kids. Got to kiss my cute husband on his way to the hospital to visit his mama, then went to sit in the pick-up line. Retrieved beloved off-spring from educational institutions and came home to fix snacks. No homework as we are almost out of school, which is a little hallelujah for the mom of an ADHD child! Then got Emma ready for dance, took her, then ran to Target to get 6 things I needed- found them ALL in one place for reasonable prices, including XL twin sheets for Kyler to take to the dorm for a month for Gov. School. (Did a happy dance in the aisle, as I've been looking for XL twin sheets for 3 weeks.) Went back to dance to pick up Em and came home to eat dinner. Chicken salad sandwiches, fruit and chips. Discussed upcoming football season practices with my Klynt, handed Kyler his new sheets, changed into something nice and walked out the door to attend Kyler's award night at his high school, did the parental pride thing and returned home at 8:15. Human yo-yo-ing done for the day, so I changed into my jammies and chatted with children about various concerns and stories, started Emma's bath, petted the cat and ooh'd over pictures of our sweet pastor's wife holding her baby for the first time (he's been in the NICU since his birth 3 days ago). Now I'm about to plop into bed to go to sleep because tomorrow I work 12 hours.

This is a "normal" day in my world. In fact, most of my Tuesday's are very much like this one. I'm blogging it for one reason: to remind myself that I am stewarding a very full life. God has given me many responsibilities, and I'm grateful for the blessings attached to them. Sometimes I forget how busy I am because A: so is everyone else and B: it's my normal that I've slowly grown into. I watch all of us women, running around caring for our husbands and children, working in and out of the home, maintaining friendships and homes and work outs. I know in my life I err on the side of being too busy, taking on too many little service projects or lunch dates, doing "just one more thing" before resting. I haven't quite "arrived" in terms of getting the balance part down. So I keep trying to make little and big adjustments. I stop and pray before I say yes. I look at my calendar to make sure it doesn't seem overloaded. I pray some more. I depend on God's grace to give me what I need to do the truly important things each day and I depend on God's grace to know what is truly important. But you know, in the big picture, I feel total peace about it. I have gotten to the place where I know it's just a season of my life and it will pass so I better live it with gusto and get messy and work hard and earn my Master's in Momminism and Wifery. 

Wedded Bliss

It's my anniversary week. I am in full on reminiscing mode. Bear with me.

I was 27. I was tan and thin. I was in love. I was beyond excited to be marrying this handsome, godly, funny, loyal, raving OU football man. I was a single mom to two (and this is biased, but true) of the most adorable little boys in the world. I was preparing to move 12 hours away and begin a brand new life. I was in wedding mania, and loving it.

It still amazes me. How God brings beauty from ashes. My other life, as I often call it, was marked by quite a bit of pain. As this is not only my story, but also my children's, I will leave the details out, but simply say I was broken hearted and fully released by God from my first marriage after 6 years. It was tough. Going through divorce, whatever the reason, hurts. In my case, I was blessed with 2 little sticky-faced, jammie-wearing reasons to keep moving forward. I also had a church family that supported me every step of the way. They truly took it upon themselves to "care for the widows and orphans"- we'd come home and there would be bags of groceries on our doorstep, or a cashier's check would arrive in the mail- I never knew who they were from, but I knew God was behind it all. Still it was lonely and scary being a single mom. One time I had a man try to break into my house in the middle of the night. (My parents arrived the next day with new locking devices for my doors.) I had been a married girl, so all my friends were married mom's. There was really no one to talk to after I put my kids to bed at 8pm. I worked out in my garage every night. (Hence the "thin") I drank too much coffee, ate too many fish sticks and watched too much late night TV. Adjusting to singleness after marriedness was a stretch for me.

Then my brother got me a computer. Old school dial-up internet with the noise and everything. I could only e-mail because technology and I have never been friends. (we're barely on speaking terms) But I was bored. So I began surfing the world wide web as we called it. And I discovered a single's christian chat room and thought, "How totally creepy" but after a few more months of boredom and lonliness, my curiosity got the better of me. So I began chatting with some people and it was mostly other mom's or harmless, but goofy men- the chat room had rules if you were vulgar or inappropriate they would kick you out. It was like they had cyber-bouncers, which made the whole thing much less creepy and actually kind of fun. Then one night this new guy was on there and he was so funny, but such a slow typer that no one was getting his jokes. I ended up talking with him for 4 hours that night, telling him some of my story and he telling me his. We quickly decided to exchange photo's because let's face it, I had to know if he was cute or not. Because this was the stone-age and pre-facebook, we actually snail mailed pictures to each other. 6 weeks and hundreds of conversation hours later, we met in person. 6 months, 4 visits and thousands of conversation hours later we got engaged. 5 months later we said I do.

Beauty for ashes. Life for death. Love for loss. 

Awareness

Hospitals are interesting places. Neither of my older kids had ever really seen someone they cared about in a hospital bed after surgery, so yesterday was a first. Both were a little startled by seeing their Gram with so many tubes and needles attached to her- especially her central line which was placed in her neck. I'll admit even I was startled a bit by that one, when I saw her in her recovery room two hours after surgery. But by yesterday, her color was "normal" and her swelling had gone down quite a bit, so I didn't predict that the boys would be as uncomfortable as they were initially. They "got over it" after we had been there for awhile, but it got me thinking- mortality is a little unsettling.

I mean, we all know we will die at some point. But, we don't really believe it. We don't live like we know our lives could end at any moment. And when someone dies suddenly, we are all in shock, as though we expect to get advanced notice. I have realized as I've watched my MIL struggle through horrible pain over the past few weeks, that I'm not ready for any of our parents to die. I know that many of my friends have already lost one or both of their parents, but I'm still not ready. Here's the other truth: God's timing won't have anything to do with how ready I feel.

So, as a slightly refined perspective, I am determined all the more to live deeply in the moment I am in, and truly love the people God has given me to love. Life is a blessing, and I don't want to waste it.

Pick Your Battles

Say yes to everything you can, say no to what you must.

Someone wise told me that when I was a mom of 6 and 4 year old boys. It has stuck with me and I must admit I did not really see the genius of it until I was the mom of 12 and 10 year old boys. This lady who gave me this wonderful advice was talking about how not all issues are really important and learning to distinguish between the two. In my life as a mom I have been tested over and over in my willingness to allow my children to be who they are, and not reflections of who I want the world to see me as. 

So in that pursuit, I have created guidelines around when to say yes or no. I ask a few questions:

Is what they are doing/saying a clearly moral issue? (ie. is it sin, does it violate a principal of God?) Things like wearing wrinkled clothing, how they style their hair, the way they want to spend money, etc. are often things I want to say "no" to, but after asking this question I decide "yes" is ok.

Is what they are doing dangerous? (physically, spiritually) Now as a mom, it's easy for me to say lots of things are dangerous that my husband says, "Nah, they'll be all right" in response to. (much to my annoyance) However, as he and I clearly have different standards for dangerous, my rule is if dad's around, he's the say on that issue. If he's not, I'm the final say. As a result, the kids are always hoping dad's around when they are ready to jump off the roof. 

Has this same issue caused a problem in the past? With Emma I've learned there are some things I have to say "no" about, not because it's immoral or dangerous, but simply because she can't handle. Spending the night with her cousin two nights in a row always sends her into a cranky melt-down. So she has to come home after one night now. We'll revisit it in 6 months to see if she can handle that much fun without the "crash and burn" effect. Revisiting is an important thing to consider as well- just because something was a problem, doesn't mean your child isn't maturing and over time better able to handle it.

Those are my general guidelines and of course, there are exceptions as with anything, but I really do talk myself through these as I get barraged with requests. (With three children, it generally feels like a barrage.) It's been so helpful over the years to have a way to evaluate my answers, to things like Klynt wanting to wear flip flops in January, or Kyler driving by himself to a friend's house at night when he first got his license. (Yes and No respectively) 

How To Be The World's Best Mother in Law

There were two women standing in the card aisle with me around Mother's Day commiserating together about the lack of appropriate options for Mother-in-Law cards. They looked my way for that affirming look strangers give one another when obviously in ear shot of a conversation- the sort of "knowing" smile and head nod. But truthfully, I did not share in their moment. In fact, while I know most women have some sort of complaint about their MIL's, I really just don't.

I married my husband 11 years ago this month, and one of the greatest blessings I received in that was his family. From the very beginning of our relationship, I knew they accepted me. Here I was, this single mom with 2 little boys, and they never blinked an eye. They just welcomed me into the Russell family with open arms. Whatever reservations they had, they kept to themselves.

Mom and I at Halloween SoupFest 2012

Seeing my sweet mother-in-law in that hospital bed tonight made my heart hurt. God knew when He brought her into my life, just exactly how much I would love her and she would love me. I tell everyone I consider myself in training, because when I grow up I am going to be a Mother-in-Law just like her, if I can manage to gain a little more grace and a little less selfishness between now and then. So, in honor of Judy Russell, my other mom, tonight I am writing my manual- How To Be a Great Mother-in-Law:

1. Let your daughter/son in law know you love them. Tell them, brag on them in front of others, brag on them behind their backs, hug them, give them birthday gifts, compliment anything they do well.

2. Offer help, not advice. My MIL is almost always available for helping me with kids, pets, car trouble- you name it. But what she does not do is tell me what I could have done better, should do next time, how to handle my problems, etc. The help comes with no strings attached and no attempts to control me.

3. Let them be welcome in your home. I have never walked in their home without her face lighting up with a smile. It's as if she's genuinely happy to see me any time. In fact, a few months ago I needed to run away from home for a night, and that's where I went. I called and said "Can I come stay at your house tonight?" And she just said "Sure you can. We're going out, but go on in and make yourself at home. Everything ok?" I told her yes, I just needed a night away from my family- a little mental health break, and she said, "Of course you do. We all need that sometimes."

4. Pray for your daughter/son in law. Sometimes I'll see my name on her little white board along with all her other prayers. It means so much to me that she remembers to pray for me.

5. Spoil them. Treat them to lunch, overdo the birthday gift, cook their favorite dessert, pick up little gifts for no reason. I don't know if this particular aspect is as important with son-in-law's, but it really makes me feel special.

6. Listen. Really. If I call to talk to her, my MIL lets the whole conversation be about me at times. I try not to be self absorbed, although sometimes I'm sure I am, but I really feel free to talk as long as I need to about whatever is on my mind. And I know she's really taking it in, because she'll bring it up later, to ask how it's going, or give me a thought she had later.

7. Forgive, even when they don't know they've messed up. I always get a fresh start with mom. I am far from perfect- as a mom, wife or daughter-in-law, but I never have past mistakes brought up to me.

8. Find things you both enjoy and do them together. Some of the funny things we've discovered over the past 11 years are we both love: reading magazines, watching college football on Saturdays in the fall, decorating for holidays, cooking special meals, my kids and anything related to them, our relationship with Christ, girly movies, eating out and drinking coffee on the balcony of our condo in the morning at the beach. We have had serious bonding in all these ways!

9. Let your daughter-in-law help you do things. Praise her efforts. Delegate parts of the Thanksgiving meal. Have her organize your pantry. Let her bring you dinner when you're sick. Ask her advice on what to give your son as a birthday gift.  We feel closer to people who are willing to be vulnerable.

10. Allow the relationship to grow without expectations. This will be a huge challenge for me one day, because I tend to have a picture of how I want a relationship to look and feel in my mind. But having experienced being loved without pressure to perform, change myself or pay back has been  incredibly powerful. I'm going to need more maturity than I currently possess to do this one, but I'm guessing I've got around 10 years minimum to grow into this.

My Mother's Day

We have had a laid back day- it's rainy out and my mother-in-law can't get out to a restaurant so we got take out and brought it to her house. The boys gave me a card with a big monkey on the inside which seems appropriate. I'm full, and looking forward to church tonight.

Inside of the card Emma made me!

Lego Message- she is such a sweet girl!

My other mom- she felt good enough to be at the table for lunch- yeah!

Mother's Day 2012- soon they will all be taller than me!