thoughts about thoughts

On Disney channel last night, I heard a kid singing a song about "people who blog about people who blog about other people's blogs." I'm slow on the uptake so I had to talk that one out a minute: "ok, the people write a blog, about other people who write about other people's blogs... wait, wait, wait. The first people are writing about another group...." I got it eventually. Kind of funny, once my head quit hurting. Life Vicarious x3.

There is a lot to see and learn in blog world. There are conventions and on-line classes you can take. That's for the people making money from their blogs, presumably. Then there are tons of educational, inspirational, crafty, yummy and otherwise interesting blogs. Then we have Millinery. I don't really know why I decided to start blogging. One day I just began writing down all these inner conversations I've been having for years with myself. I'm not normally a creature given to bursts of randomness. I am more of a happy little hamster on a wheel. So, I am operating out of my element in this venture. Here is what my 3+ months of blogging has taught me thus far:

Jesus is a part of every aspect of my life, but not always my central focus
my kids dominate large parts of my thinking and doing
everyday mundane moments are not
I often feel torn between working and homemaking
I really enjoy opening up my life to others
there is a deep passion inside me to inspire women to be everything God created them to be
I'm kind of funny
writer's block is frustrating
you can pronounce Millinery better with a british accent
God's word has something to say about everything we face

So, that's my update. I am truly enjoying this little way of sharing life my life with you. Thanks for reading! 

Cosmic Tweaks to One Mama's World

It's 4:30 am and I'm awake. First thought: insomnia is stupid. Second thought: I will need so much coffee tomorrow. Third thought: why can't I function on 5 hours of sleep? Which led to lots of thoughts about what I wish I could alter about reality. Now call me unimaginative or uncreative, but I don't want to drastically alter reality. Nothing like, we stop aging at 26, or behavior has no consequences or I can shoot lasers from my eyes at will. I mean, that's not realistic! I'd just like to make some minor cosmic adjustments to a few laws of the universe. A little tweaking, if you will. So here we go:

List of Wishful Adjustments to Reality Inspired by Insomnia

1. it was impossible to EVER get sick after giving birth to children
2. I could flip some switch in my head that allowed me to completely tune out clutter, or children whining
3. diet coke, mac-n-cheese and brownie sundaes were chock full of nutrition
4. talking burned tons of calories and worked my heart out
5. you could load up on a good night's sleep and that would carry you a week at a time
6. I could pick a few times a week to actually exist in two places at once
7. my husband could read my mind when I wanted him to, but otherwise not so much
8. that on really busy weeks I could ask for more than 24 hours in a day, and get them
9.  my driver's van window just started working again tomorrow
10. it was possible to DVR my kids lives
11. once you learned to hula hoop, you never lost the groove
12. I could scold, shame or "ground" my uterus into behaving properly
13. I always remembered my sweater when going grocery shopping
14. sometimes I could get an actual hug from God
15. if awakened by insomnia, productive activity ensued

You've gotta admit, it'd be nice.......

Superpowers

Recently went to see the movie The Avengers. I loved it- it was everything I enjoy in a summer movie. I'm a super-hero movie kind of gal. Good guys vs. Bad guys + cool effects and great one liners + perilous "how-will-they-make-it-in-time" moments = fun for Debi. But it got me thinking about super hero powers and how my kids have always enjoyed role playing those powers.

Here's what I think is interesting: when God created us He created us in His image. So, there are parts of who God is that He embedded within us. He is creator- we have the power of creativity. He is love- we have the power to love. There are other parts He did not give us. He is all knowing- but I cannot read minds (even though my kids say otherwise sometimes) He is all powerful- but I cannot move buildings or stop hurricanes. Now I think we can all be thankful that God did not disperse the all-powerful part, because the world is already pretty broken without teenage boys hurling mountains about to impress girls. (and you know they would) Have you ever wondered though, why God doesn't give us the ability to forget? The Bible says He can choose to forget, or remember no more, specifically related to our sin. But we cannot. Try as hard as you like but you will not be able to intentionally pick and choose memories to delete from the files in your brain. I am always wishing I could though. Some, simply because they seem to be irrelevant and wasting space- like, who needs to remember The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner from the 6th grade?!? But other memories are dark, heavy or painful, and I'd like to "remember them no more" as well.

God built into us a safety system, if you will. The reason He does not allow us to forget, I believe, is we live in this broken world. If we forget, we put ourselves in danger of being hurt over and over again. You know why I don't put my hand on a red hot burner? I've been burned before, lesson learned. You know why I don't trust people who lie to me? I've been burned before, lesson learned. But there is another, even greater purpose to my remembering: compassion. When I stay connected to memories of my pain, it moves me when I see others hurting. In every place where my heart has been hurt and broken by sin or catastrophe or even my own foolish choices, I have empathy for others as they face similar struggles.

God in His wisdom did not leave us with hearts full of memories to drown in though. The balm for  those wounds is forgiveness. When I forgive I am reconnected to God's goodness to me. I do not forgive because people deserve it. They don't. I forgive because I did not deserve it, but received it freely at the cross. Every time I am tempted to become self-righteous and judgmental of others who hurt me, the Gospel reminds me that I was all those same things toward my God and yet He loved me so much He was willing to die in my place. Also when I forgive, I set myself free. Forgiveness is not letting the guilty "off the hook" but rather "setting a prisoner free and finding out the prisoner was you". Unforgiveness keeps me tied to my hurt; forgiveness cuts the tie that keeps me anchored.

Mirroring God: a Dad's job description

There are so many areas of life a dad is responsible for. Providing for the financial needs of the family. Protecting from danger. Mowing the yard and taking out the trash and changing the hard to reach light bulbs and killing bugs. (obviously some areas are more glamorous than others) But there is no responsibility quite as heavy as being your child's first picture of who God is.

When I think about my own dad, there are a few vivid memories that come to mind. We loved to watch the Cosby Show and Family Ties on Thursday nights together. Dad would always make popcorn, and put cheese salt on it. He would look around the kitchen and then almost without fail ask, "Do we need some ice cream?" As if the four kids were going to answer anything but "YES!" Then he'd run up the road to the 7-Eleven and come by with Bryers Mint Chocolate Chip as well as a 2-liter of Coke. (Coming back from the store with more than he went for was also a dad tradition) Another memory I always recall is "Sunday Morning Round Up" (this is my name for the memory) Every Sunday morning was the mad dash to get 4 women ready for church. I had a brother, but I literally have no recollection of seeing him on Sunday mornings. Perhaps he escaped to the garage or something. Anyway, dad was always an early riser and ready well before we were. So he'd start walking around asking if we needed anything "pressed" as well as taking orders for size and color of pantyhose we needed. Do not ask me why we needed new pantyhose almost every Sunday, but dad would iron all the girls' stuff and run to the store to purchase them because the ones I had were either  the wrong color or had a run in them. (side note- I do NOT miss pantyhose!) The other memory that comes to me often if I'm thinking about dad is him sitting up in the early morning reading his bible. He was always up before me, and if I got up on time I'd see him. Dad knew God's word. He used it regularly in conversation with me. (Not surprisingly he would often quote the verse to me, "Where words are many, sin is not absent" from Proverbs, much to my annoyance at the time) Dad worked hard. A lot. I didn't get to spend tons of time with him in my growing up years because he was the only working parent and put in long hours to provide for our family of six. I always knew that dad loved me though. Because when he wasn't working he was with us. I knew my mom was the love of his life, and I knew our family was what he worked so hard for.

Looking back, I see many ways dad's reflection of God was accurate. Oh sure, there were places he fell short. No one can perfectly mirror our Heavenly Father. But the lessons I learned about who God is from my father's life were enough. I knew God was faithful, sacrificial and loving. I knew He cared about the details of my life. I knew He could be counted on and I knew his strength and wisdom was far beyond mine. I knew He delighted in giving good gifts. Good gifts like my daddy gave me. Good gifts like my dad himself.

Enough

I love when my kids teach me.

It has been almost a month now since my MIL took a turn for the worse with her back. I have lost count of the times I've driven back and forth to Baptist Hospital. I am constantly posting updates on facebook, attempting to keep those who love her in the loop on the latest set back or step forward. (although to be honest, it feels like more set backs lately...) It's been an unusual season for all of us. My teenage sons are rolling with it pretty well. They don't have the need to connect with me on a daily basis as much as they used to. My little sweet pea on the other hand is starting to wear out. Between mama working and going to the hospital it hasn't felt very normal for her. Two nights ago she melted down. We talked, snuggled, I put the call phone away so I could just focus on her for a bit and she calmed down.

The next day we went on a mom-Em adventure to explore our town. We has decided we would do some explorations this summer on Fridays, but a trip to the hospital had interrupted our last Friday plan (hence the melt down). So, off we went and had a delightful time, just her and I. Kyler is off at Governor's School; Klynt was on night two of sleeping over at a friend's house- so she got me all to herself! We decided to go see an historic battlefield in our town and it was really cool. There was a cemetery connected to it that we went to as well, and it gave us time to talk about how lots of people sacrifice their lives for our freedom, which led us to talk about suffering in general. Em made a comment about war being a horrible thing, and we spent some time just talking about how God always bring good out of suffering. I thought this might be a good opportunity to bring some light to our recent struggles with Gram's illness, so I asked Emma what lessons God was teaching her in this time with Gram being in the hospital.

"What we have is enough, mom."

I agreed that was a true statement but to be honest I wasn't quite sure how Gram's illness had translated into that lesson for her. Still I pondered it all day, thinking how neat it is that God speaks to my children. Then I felt God whispering that truth to my heart. I have been quite tired, running back and forth between job, family and hospital. Yet, I have enough. I want more energy, more time, more resources- but the truth is I have what I need. I have been given exactly enough energy to accomplish the jobs God has given me. Just enough faith to believe God is working this for all our good and His glory. Enough to cover my need, not so much I can become self reliant. The part of me that desires to have more than I need is constantly trying to stock pile security. I'd like to know I have some extra in reserve, just in case what God thinks is enough for me falls short. It's a daily surrender to allow myself to use up every bit of me, knowing God will give me more at just the right moment. It's so difficult to trust, but watching God teach my sweet girl that lesson encouraged me.

Maintenance

I have not always been anxious about interstate driving. At least, I don't think I have. But 11 years ago, after moving to the Nashville area I had an incident. (I'd like to call it a hideous debacle, but that seems a little dramatic) Anyway, 11 years ago this gal was"pre-cell phone, pre-GPS" so navigating was dependent upon good directions and an internal compass that did not lead you astray. (My internal compass has always been askew. I have often said if I ever get lost in a forest, PLEASE come get me- I'll just wander in circles until a bear or at the very least, the mosquitoes, eat me alive). Anyway, I was trying to get home from Nashville back to my little suburb of the world at night, in the rain and somehow I couldn't reverse the directions properly and went the wrong way on I-40. It took me about 20 minutes to realize I was going the wrong way as I had never made this trip before. Then there were gigantic, evil semi's flying up on my tail and I couldn't slow down to see the exits very well, and when I finally found an exit with a return on-ramp I was almost out of gas. I had to pull off onto a sketchy looking exit where the gas station had bars on the windows and lots of shady characters were skulking around to get some gas and pray someone non-evil would give me real directions back to my home. (Is your heart pounding or is it just me?)

Fast forward 11 years. I have driven back and forth to Nashville 14 times in the past three weeks with my mom-in-law in the hospital. Can I do it? Yep. Is it partial misery? Yep. So today, I have begun my own personal little War on Driving Anxiety. It's called EMDR and I am delighted. It's a wonderful therapy used primarily to treat PTSD and other anxiety related issues. We offer it at Branches where I work and I have been saying for years now that I need to do it, but then it'll get a little better and I won't. I have to admit I tend to not be very good at maintenance. When something becomes a big problem I deal with it, but the little nagging things I often let go. I'm realizing though, those little nagging things often rob the joy from my life.

So here is my woman-to-woman encouragement for you: take care of yourself. Go to the doctor and get a check-up. Go to the dentist. (Haven't been in 18 years or so and I'm going this summer!) Deal with that stuff in your childhood you've never talked about but it keeps you stuck. Join the Y, or Weight Watchers or just take a walk and get moving. Write that apology letter that's been on your mind for years. Set your alarm clock for 15 minutes earlier than your kids get up so you can have one cup of coffee in peace to start your day. Buy a new bra. (You know you need one- we all do.) Read your Bible. Call your best friend. You'll be able to give and serve well as you care for and nourish your own body, heart and spirit.

The Art of Receiving

(This blog inspired by a conversation with a lovely young college friend at Steak and Shake recently)

If you have a cute little garden you'd like to nurture, you put a fence up. This is supposed to keep dogs and dandelions and random neighborhood children out, so that good stuff can grow. But let's say you aren't much of an expert in gardening. Or maybe you don't have a lot of money to buy all the plants you want to make your yard cute. Well, then you put a gate in your fence to open it and let your gardening friends come in and bring you begonias or iris bulbs. And let them tell you how to weed, water and care for your yard. Maybe they'll even pull a weed or two.

This is an excellent system, unless you open the gate to let dogs in, and close it when friends come by to help. Who would do that, you ask?

Women. We do it all the time. It's called having reverse boundaries. We let the bad into our minds and hearts and lives. Then we close the gate when the good comes knocking. You know, a friend tells you how great your hair looks and you say, "No it's awful" (close the gate) but your child says "Mom, you are looking really old" and you ponder on that statement all day (open the gate). A friend asks how they can help you during a hard time and you say "oh we're fine- we don't need anything" (close the gate) but your boss asks if you can work late, without pay, after you are already tired out from a really long week and you say "Sure, no problem" (open the gate)

Part of learning to live well, involves learning when to open and close the gate. Today my focus is on the opening part. God has so much to say in His word about how much He loves us. Often though we won't even receive God's love into our hearts because we're holding on to shame and guilt that was paid for at the cross. After we finally allow God's love in through accepting Jesus' gift, God, I believe, reaches out to us through other people He puts into our lives as well. When people see a goodness or gifting or likable part of you, and they offer some compliment or encouragement, do you know what the healthiest response is: Thank you.

That's it. Just say thank you and allow the good to come in. Open the gate. It's amazing how allowing the good in really changes us. (I give this as therapy homework all the time, by the way, so if you take the challenge it's like free therapy.)

And while I'm at it, let me just say thank you to you for reading my blog! I'm so surprised by how many people have been reading my ramblings, but I am grateful to have a way to share my journey in womanhood with you, and am always excited when you share a bit of yours with me!