Finding Your Voice

I've been reading several really good blogs lately. There are so many gifted writers out there in internet land and it's a little overwhelming the volumes of perspective you can get lost in. I have found a curious thing happens to me after reading other writers- I tend to start mimicking their "voice" when I sit down to write later. I've always been that way though. My husband says he can tell which friend I've been with because of the inflection and tone in my voice. When I was little I used to love to watch Gone With the Wind. After watching it for several hours I would end up speaking like a southern belle for days. I just tend to pick up on the way other people phrase or pronounce their words and absorb it into my own little linguistic melting pot.

Part of growing up is figuring out who you are and what you have to say and how you need to say it. I'm still on that journey to some degree I suppose. But I am learning more and more who I am. Which has led to knowing what I have to say. The part I am still wrestling out is how I need to say it. I think we all are influenced in finding our voice by who we listen to. (which is a good reason to seriously consider the company you keep, or you may find yourself reciting a mantra you don't even agree with, or worse yet- one you agree with, but know God doesn't) For better or worse our families shape our voice, both literally and metaphorically. But along the way, we still have to decide who God has created us to be in this world. As a christian, I believe my primary message is the Gospel of Jesus. That all other messages should ultimately point to that one. But within that context, there are many, many issues and causes that point us to Christ and lots of ways to express them.

I find as I read other blogs I am drawn to the deep, insightful and somewhat poetic writings. I appreciate that kind of thinking very much. Yet that is not really my natural voice. I am not sure exactly what my voice is, as there are days when I feel like I am almost preaching, times when I want to teach and other days where I want to be funny and light-hearted. If I had to label it I would say my voice is conversational- I write the way I would talk if you were sitting down at my kitchen table and we were chatting. That's really my favorite way to share my heart. Too bad we can't share coffee in blog land.

Rest(less)

I don't feel out of sorts. Well, except for the headache I just took 800mg of Ibuprofen for. On an emotional level, I feel fine. But if you were to observe my behavior since dropping my husband at the airport 3 days ago, it is clear to see, I am in fact out of sorts. Today for example, I slept in till past 9. Which I never do. Then I got up and decided since the house was already clean, Emma and I should go eat some lunch. So we went to Panera, and she was delighted with her brocolli cheese soup in a bread bowl. I was less enthused about my 1/2 sandwich/salad combo. I should have gotten the macaroni and cheese. Anyway, then her sweet bff-cousin called and wanted her to come spend the night. So, I took her over. But then I couldn't decide what to do with myself. I had thoughts of tackling a small household project, but didn't feel like it. Then I thought I could go browse around Goodwill. It's half off Saturday and sometimes they have good deals. So I did, and I carried a pair of really nice Ann Taylor work pants and a cute pair of cargo capri's around, then I just put them on a rack and left. I came home and ate something, but wasn't hungry. I finally plopped down and watched TV for a few hours. It's too early to go to bed but too late to do anything productive. You know what I am? Restless.

I have decided that when I married my husband and God said the two would become one, there was something deeper than physical going on in that statement. I am not quite myself when we are separated by an ocean. I'm ok. I actually can get a lot done if I need to. But as soon as there is a lull, I feel the restlessness kick in. I'm not really able to relax and enjoy the space. I wish I could. When your husband works from home and you have three kids, there is often a noticeable lack of space. But if he was just out for the evening, I'd be kicked back enjoying it. It's when he travels out of the country that I am not settled. So, it reminds me once again that God is always calling me to find my security in Him. It's a constant theme in my life these days. I have all these swirling thoughts that can't seem to settle down in my head, and then God reminds me to "Be still and know" that He is God. I used to focus on the still part a lot in that verse. I find it unbelievably difficult to be still, and since my name means "busy bee" I say it's my parents fault. Just because they didn't consider the ramifications of saddling me with a name that implies constant motion doesn't mean I should feel guilty about it! However, the "know" part of the verse just hit me. If I'm just trying to be still it produces anxiety. But when I focus on what I KNOW, well now, that's where my heart begins to shift. I know that God is good. That God loves me. That God has a plan. And all that is true. But I think even bigger is just knowing that He is God. All powerful, all knowing, ever faithful, always constant, sovereign, death conquering, sin defeating, life saving GOD! That kind of knowing does something to settle my spirit that nothing else can. When I focus on who He is, it reminds me who I am not. My old youth pastor used to say, "There are only two rules: There is a God. You are not Him." It's a relief to remember that God is God. I can rest and settle down, even with my other half, halfway around the world. 

If a Woman Decides to Throw a Dinner Party....

I'm up really early for me today, and the house would be entirely quiet, but I'm listening to the cat make a noise that can be best described as a yodel, and a TV was apparently left on yesterday because I'm hearing the sounds of some sporting event coming from my upstairs. My lava lamp brain (see earlier blog) is on free float right now, so I have a ton of seemingly unrelated thoughts bumping around in my mind, but here's a little sampling:

what food am I going to fix for my dinner party coming up?
and will I try to plant some flowers in my back deck planters before then,
and is this the first year I haven't planted ANYthing for summer,
and the flowers a client brought me yesterday were beautiful,
and I need to buy more jolly ranchers for my candy dish at work,
and why am I always left with the grape ones in the bowl,
and I've been eating so much better this week except for the 4 double stuffed oreos 2 nights ago,
and it's just too hot to exercise lately,
and I cannot believe the wild fire situation on CO this week- my heart just hurts for those folks,
and I'm ready to have my oldest back home from Memphis,
and perhaps I should wash his sheets tomorrow,
and while I'm at it maybe I should just wash all the sheets bc I can't remember when it was done last,
and I really don't want to spend my day off doing housework all day Friday,
and I told a friend I was going to a zumba class this Friday- oh no! am I going to do that?
and I hope to take Emma to the drive in sometime this summer,
and the movie Brave was very cute- perhaps it will inspire a blog soon,
and how do people have so many deep and inspiring blog posts daily??
and Scott leaves for India so soon- I should make my run to the dollar store for baggies and snacks,
and wow, India was such an incredible experience- I wish I could go with him on every trip,
and our pastor really gave us some challenges about sharing Christ this next year- I need to be praying,
and I'm so glad to be part of a church whose three part focus is Gospel-Community-Mission,
and I'm excited about getting to know women better from our church,
which brings me back to what am I going to serve at my dinner party?

The mom version of "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie"

I am....

I am a princess. Not a diva.

I am a lover. Not a seductress.

I am a mother. Not a maid.

I am a servant. Not a doormat.

I am a warrior. Not an assassin.

I am a counselor. Not a fixer.

"By the grace of God, I am what I am and his grace to me was not without effect." 1 Cor. 15:10

thoughts about thoughts

On Disney channel last night, I heard a kid singing a song about "people who blog about people who blog about other people's blogs." I'm slow on the uptake so I had to talk that one out a minute: "ok, the people write a blog, about other people who write about other people's blogs... wait, wait, wait. The first people are writing about another group...." I got it eventually. Kind of funny, once my head quit hurting. Life Vicarious x3.

There is a lot to see and learn in blog world. There are conventions and on-line classes you can take. That's for the people making money from their blogs, presumably. Then there are tons of educational, inspirational, crafty, yummy and otherwise interesting blogs. Then we have Millinery. I don't really know why I decided to start blogging. One day I just began writing down all these inner conversations I've been having for years with myself. I'm not normally a creature given to bursts of randomness. I am more of a happy little hamster on a wheel. So, I am operating out of my element in this venture. Here is what my 3+ months of blogging has taught me thus far:

Jesus is a part of every aspect of my life, but not always my central focus
my kids dominate large parts of my thinking and doing
everyday mundane moments are not
I often feel torn between working and homemaking
I really enjoy opening up my life to others
there is a deep passion inside me to inspire women to be everything God created them to be
I'm kind of funny
writer's block is frustrating
you can pronounce Millinery better with a british accent
God's word has something to say about everything we face

So, that's my update. I am truly enjoying this little way of sharing life my life with you. Thanks for reading! 

Cosmic Tweaks to One Mama's World

It's 4:30 am and I'm awake. First thought: insomnia is stupid. Second thought: I will need so much coffee tomorrow. Third thought: why can't I function on 5 hours of sleep? Which led to lots of thoughts about what I wish I could alter about reality. Now call me unimaginative or uncreative, but I don't want to drastically alter reality. Nothing like, we stop aging at 26, or behavior has no consequences or I can shoot lasers from my eyes at will. I mean, that's not realistic! I'd just like to make some minor cosmic adjustments to a few laws of the universe. A little tweaking, if you will. So here we go:

List of Wishful Adjustments to Reality Inspired by Insomnia

1. it was impossible to EVER get sick after giving birth to children
2. I could flip some switch in my head that allowed me to completely tune out clutter, or children whining
3. diet coke, mac-n-cheese and brownie sundaes were chock full of nutrition
4. talking burned tons of calories and worked my heart out
5. you could load up on a good night's sleep and that would carry you a week at a time
6. I could pick a few times a week to actually exist in two places at once
7. my husband could read my mind when I wanted him to, but otherwise not so much
8. that on really busy weeks I could ask for more than 24 hours in a day, and get them
9.  my driver's van window just started working again tomorrow
10. it was possible to DVR my kids lives
11. once you learned to hula hoop, you never lost the groove
12. I could scold, shame or "ground" my uterus into behaving properly
13. I always remembered my sweater when going grocery shopping
14. sometimes I could get an actual hug from God
15. if awakened by insomnia, productive activity ensued

You've gotta admit, it'd be nice.......

Superpowers

Recently went to see the movie The Avengers. I loved it- it was everything I enjoy in a summer movie. I'm a super-hero movie kind of gal. Good guys vs. Bad guys + cool effects and great one liners + perilous "how-will-they-make-it-in-time" moments = fun for Debi. But it got me thinking about super hero powers and how my kids have always enjoyed role playing those powers.

Here's what I think is interesting: when God created us He created us in His image. So, there are parts of who God is that He embedded within us. He is creator- we have the power of creativity. He is love- we have the power to love. There are other parts He did not give us. He is all knowing- but I cannot read minds (even though my kids say otherwise sometimes) He is all powerful- but I cannot move buildings or stop hurricanes. Now I think we can all be thankful that God did not disperse the all-powerful part, because the world is already pretty broken without teenage boys hurling mountains about to impress girls. (and you know they would) Have you ever wondered though, why God doesn't give us the ability to forget? The Bible says He can choose to forget, or remember no more, specifically related to our sin. But we cannot. Try as hard as you like but you will not be able to intentionally pick and choose memories to delete from the files in your brain. I am always wishing I could though. Some, simply because they seem to be irrelevant and wasting space- like, who needs to remember The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner from the 6th grade?!? But other memories are dark, heavy or painful, and I'd like to "remember them no more" as well.

God built into us a safety system, if you will. The reason He does not allow us to forget, I believe, is we live in this broken world. If we forget, we put ourselves in danger of being hurt over and over again. You know why I don't put my hand on a red hot burner? I've been burned before, lesson learned. You know why I don't trust people who lie to me? I've been burned before, lesson learned. But there is another, even greater purpose to my remembering: compassion. When I stay connected to memories of my pain, it moves me when I see others hurting. In every place where my heart has been hurt and broken by sin or catastrophe or even my own foolish choices, I have empathy for others as they face similar struggles.

God in His wisdom did not leave us with hearts full of memories to drown in though. The balm for  those wounds is forgiveness. When I forgive I am reconnected to God's goodness to me. I do not forgive because people deserve it. They don't. I forgive because I did not deserve it, but received it freely at the cross. Every time I am tempted to become self-righteous and judgmental of others who hurt me, the Gospel reminds me that I was all those same things toward my God and yet He loved me so much He was willing to die in my place. Also when I forgive, I set myself free. Forgiveness is not letting the guilty "off the hook" but rather "setting a prisoner free and finding out the prisoner was you". Unforgiveness keeps me tied to my hurt; forgiveness cuts the tie that keeps me anchored.