Listening Well

There is no denying that if you put a big group of women in a room there will soon be chatter. Laughter. More talking, with a rising volume. Hugging and occasional tears. Women, by and large, are pretty skilled at expressing. It's how we bond in general, and talking is a huge part of that. There are lots of books written on how to communicate in healthy ways, and admittedly,  not all the talking that goes on with women is godly or good. Gossip, sarcasm, lying, image management and complaining are all ways we can misuse our "gift of gab". And certainly there are women who struggle to communicate at all. But, as a general rule I think we focus a lot on the expressing part of communication. There is a flip side, and it's one that I am constantly challenged in.

Listening. This would be the receiving part of communication and I will freely admit I do not always do it well.  James 1:19 says we "should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry..." yet so often I am quick to speak, slow to listen and quick to become irritated/annoyed/offended (ie. angry). So, as I have been praying for God to help me learn the art of listening, here are a few things He has been teaching me:

1. Just hold your tongue. (literally if necessary!) When someone is talking to you, wait before responding. Let there be a minute of silence. Think about what you need to say before you respond. In that silence, a very cool thing often happens- the person talking begins to share something more, sometimes deeper in their heart, than what you just heard. It gives you more insight into them before giving your thoughts, advice, opinions. And it gives you time to process what they are saying. This one I do well at work, but poorly with my family, so I am really working on it!

2. Ask questions. Jesus was the master question asker! People would ask him a question and he'd pose one back to them. It's an excellent way to allow others to come to a good conclusion without "telling" them what to do or how to do it. It's also a good way to eliminate assuming or your end. Often we think we know what someone meant until we ask a few questions. What makes you say that? What do you think God thinks about that? How long have you been feeling that way? What has worked well in the past for you in this area? How do you feel about that? How can I help? 


3. Reflect back what you heard. It's also called clarifying and it's shocking how many times I think I know what someone is telling me until I do this. It would sound something like: So, what I hear you saying is...... or What I think you are telling me is..... The key to this is reflecting it back and then allowing them to restate or rephrase if you don't have it quite right.

4. Don't "take away" what God may be saying. Often because we love our friends and family, we try to make them feel better when they share a struggle. In that effort, we may try to convince them they are not feeling a certain way or experiencing a specific issue. If a friend says, "I just feel like I'm a terrible mom" don't answer with "Oh no, you aren't!" Maybe they are struggling to love their kids and need some help. Or if someone says "I'm so depressed" don't say "You have tons of reasons to be happy!" to try to cheer them up. Go back and try numbers 1-3 first.

Is it school time yet?

I can tell it's time for school to start back. I go through the same symptoms every year- it's like clock work and similar to catching a cold. First I start noticing irritation with my floors always being so grubby. Then I begin to feel a constant pressure to get people moving doing something because everyone seems to be stagnating in pj's all day. Then I find myself frustrated by a constant last minute plan being thrown at me by a teenager to spend the night out or have a friend over with the mantra "c'mon mom- it's summer!" tacked on to deflect my resistance. Finally I begin to want to go to bed earlier and make every one else follow suit. Yes indeed girls, this mama has summeritis!

It's such a funny progression from relief to frustration back to relief every year. By May I am so completely "over" the school routine. We all are ready for a break and we sleep in late (by we I mean the children of course, the cat and I are still usually up!) don't make our beds, we eat late dinners and disregard bedtimes in general. It's delightful initially. Then slowly but surely relief gives way to messes. Lots of messes. And foodlessness. If you don't know about this condition it's when you are robbed of food by constantly hungry teenagers who eat at meal times and in between meal times and after meal times. Then I notice an internal feeling of being unsettled over the lack of structure. Are the kids getting their vitamins in the summer? Is Emma getting enough sleep? Am I requiring the boys be helpful and responsible enough? What are they all doing while I'm at work and they're sitting at home?

So as the back-to-school shopping ad's begin to appear, I find myself eagerly anticipating the return of "normal" and the break from our "break".

Conviction

God does not pin himself down to one method of working in our lives. Take for example conviction: the awareness that you are/have been out of God's will for your life in one area or another. Sometimes I feel conviction through listening to teaching at our church service.  Sometimes I feel it through reading my Bible or prayer. Sometimes as I worship God in song I feel it. Other times it's from listening to a friend challenge me, or even confess her own struggles.

Or tonight, through my child reflecting back to me what she experiences in her life as I mother her.

I sent Emma up to her room to get jammified and into bed and told her I'd be up soon. About 5 or 6 minutes later I noticed her milling around the living room in her jammies. So I called her to me and gave her a little hug and said "Are you having a hard time obeying mommy tonight? Or is something else going on?' She mumbled a bit and I said "Honey, something is going on because I asked you to get in bed and you're not. What's up?" "Well, I was just wondering when you would be coming up to tuck me in?" (this made sense to me as Emma gets a little nervous being upstairs at night sometimes.) So I said, "Oh, well you could have just asked me that. That's no big deal. I'll be up in 5." I gave her a big hug and felt pretty good about my mothering in that moment. I was patient. (check) Didn't raise my voice. (check) Got to the issue without drama. (check) While busy congratulating myself on being such a good mom, I looked up to see her with big tears in her eyes, and she said "Well sometimes you're cranky with me about asking things like that." Patting self on the back comes to a screeching halt. My sweet girl has tears of relief that mommy wasn't cranky with her this time.

Yep, just a reminder that I'm not able to live up to perfect. Or holy. Or good. The truth is I'm selfish, but because of Jesus death in my place, my record says I'm not. I get the credit for his righteousness. How amazing is that?

When I was younger I would experience conviction like this:

conviction + guilt = shame

Now that God has been helping me understand grace more and more it looks like this:

conviction - guilt = gratitude


So needless to say, I had to confess and apologize to my girl for being selfish and impatient. I told her our conversation had inspired a blog and she was pleased about that. And I am humbled once again by my own inability to be good, but grateful for the One who was good enough to cancel my debt forever.

What City Kids Does For Me

Emma and friend in class with their "scrolls"

I show up every 3 weeks, about 2 hours early for church to help get our little class area set up. I miss being in adult service completely on the week I do this so I can teach children. (One of which is my own little ragamuffin) It takes energy and patience and effort to do this and it is 100% worth it to me!  There are lots of reasons I have loved about my return to children's ministry after years of serving in different areas. I love hugging on the kiddos and knowing I am another safe and caring adult in their life. I love watching them play and form their own little community. It's hilarious to watch my own girl in her element. But mostly, I love seeing them learn God's word.

sweet friends!

 The week highlighted in these pictures we were studying the book of Revelation. Many adults shy away from Revelation, so I was excited to dive in and see the kids learn from it. We were learning about Jesus as both lion and lamb, and how He is the only one worthy to receive glory and power in our lives. The kids loved it! But for me the sweetest part comes from hearing their simple answers to the questions we ask: why should Jesus be the one who is able to read the scroll and sit on the throne? One answered, "Well He's the only one who died for me." (true and yet how many other idols do I

answers from children about Who is Jesus

place on the throne of my heart who have never proven any love to me?) How is Jesus like a lion? "Lion's are king of the jungle and Jesus is supposed to be King of our life." Don't you just love it?? Simple, child-like faith.  If you've never served in your church, I highly recommend children's ministry as a starting place. And as a side note, I just want to say thank you to our Children's Director, Amber Alfonso. She is a precious mommy of two girls who holds a regular rotation as teacher but misses adult service often to fill in when someone calls out sick; she shops for all our craft and snack supplies; sets up every week; schedules volunteers and TONS of other thankless tasks. But mostly she truly loves our kids and as a mom I would rather have that than any other trait or ability. When we were first visiting our church 10 months ago, she sought out my Emma, made her feel welcome and remembered her every week. She was the way God settled Emma's heart during our transition and I will always be grateful for that. If you have some time this week, pray for your church's children's minister/leader. And give them a hug. And sign up to help in some way!

Pinterest, No Interest

I wish I was crafty. For quite some time I have made attempts at various little projects, but not until Pinterest did I fully embrace (with a sigh) my lack of crafting ability/mindset/creativity. I have given it a lot of thought and finally come to the conclusion that I can still consider myself a fully acceptable woman in spite of the lack of craftiness. But the whole issue has clearly highlighted some insecurity for me. It seems that most women I know can either sew, craft, build or decorate cakes. But somehow in the passing out of talents, God did not see fit to give me much of any of those. Not that I think I've been short-changed mind you. I fully believe God blessed me with abilities and skills that I enjoy using and see as a gift to my family, church and friends. Still, when we're all swapping updates on Twitter and Facebook about the latest cute or clever thing a friend has accomplished I get a little twinge. You know that twinge- the one that says "You are pretty good, but not quite enough."

I'd wager I'm not alone in this, although we probably all feel it about different issues. For some it may be not cooking, or not knowing how to style their hair or update their wardrobe. Others may not be naturally good with babies, or not enjoying shopping or some other typically female activity. Maybe you were never good at flirting and always felt awkward around men. Maybe you have terrible handwriting or big feet or some other quality that makes you feel less feminine. Whatever it is, when we get around other women who seem to possess that quality in abundance, we begin to compare and find ourselves lacking.

I have found a solution for my craft-challenged insecurities: Stop comparing. Stop focusing on the talents I don't have. Instead, mainly inspired by my Jesus Calling devotional, I have begun to practice thanking God both for what I do well and what I don't. For the talents that highlight my femininity and the way lacking something draws me to Him. Here's how that looks: "Thank you God for giving me the ability to cook and organize my home and create family traditions. Thank you for reminding me that my value to my family and to my friends lies not in what I do for them specifically but in how the things I do convey love. Help me to show love the way you wired me and not compare myself to other women. Thank you for giving my friends the ability to express creativity in their homes and in their  as a blessing to their families. Thank you for making us all different so that when we all come together, it shows us more of who you are in the gifts you dispersed among us."

Finding Your Voice

I've been reading several really good blogs lately. There are so many gifted writers out there in internet land and it's a little overwhelming the volumes of perspective you can get lost in. I have found a curious thing happens to me after reading other writers- I tend to start mimicking their "voice" when I sit down to write later. I've always been that way though. My husband says he can tell which friend I've been with because of the inflection and tone in my voice. When I was little I used to love to watch Gone With the Wind. After watching it for several hours I would end up speaking like a southern belle for days. I just tend to pick up on the way other people phrase or pronounce their words and absorb it into my own little linguistic melting pot.

Part of growing up is figuring out who you are and what you have to say and how you need to say it. I'm still on that journey to some degree I suppose. But I am learning more and more who I am. Which has led to knowing what I have to say. The part I am still wrestling out is how I need to say it. I think we all are influenced in finding our voice by who we listen to. (which is a good reason to seriously consider the company you keep, or you may find yourself reciting a mantra you don't even agree with, or worse yet- one you agree with, but know God doesn't) For better or worse our families shape our voice, both literally and metaphorically. But along the way, we still have to decide who God has created us to be in this world. As a christian, I believe my primary message is the Gospel of Jesus. That all other messages should ultimately point to that one. But within that context, there are many, many issues and causes that point us to Christ and lots of ways to express them.

I find as I read other blogs I am drawn to the deep, insightful and somewhat poetic writings. I appreciate that kind of thinking very much. Yet that is not really my natural voice. I am not sure exactly what my voice is, as there are days when I feel like I am almost preaching, times when I want to teach and other days where I want to be funny and light-hearted. If I had to label it I would say my voice is conversational- I write the way I would talk if you were sitting down at my kitchen table and we were chatting. That's really my favorite way to share my heart. Too bad we can't share coffee in blog land.

Rest(less)

I don't feel out of sorts. Well, except for the headache I just took 800mg of Ibuprofen for. On an emotional level, I feel fine. But if you were to observe my behavior since dropping my husband at the airport 3 days ago, it is clear to see, I am in fact out of sorts. Today for example, I slept in till past 9. Which I never do. Then I got up and decided since the house was already clean, Emma and I should go eat some lunch. So we went to Panera, and she was delighted with her brocolli cheese soup in a bread bowl. I was less enthused about my 1/2 sandwich/salad combo. I should have gotten the macaroni and cheese. Anyway, then her sweet bff-cousin called and wanted her to come spend the night. So, I took her over. But then I couldn't decide what to do with myself. I had thoughts of tackling a small household project, but didn't feel like it. Then I thought I could go browse around Goodwill. It's half off Saturday and sometimes they have good deals. So I did, and I carried a pair of really nice Ann Taylor work pants and a cute pair of cargo capri's around, then I just put them on a rack and left. I came home and ate something, but wasn't hungry. I finally plopped down and watched TV for a few hours. It's too early to go to bed but too late to do anything productive. You know what I am? Restless.

I have decided that when I married my husband and God said the two would become one, there was something deeper than physical going on in that statement. I am not quite myself when we are separated by an ocean. I'm ok. I actually can get a lot done if I need to. But as soon as there is a lull, I feel the restlessness kick in. I'm not really able to relax and enjoy the space. I wish I could. When your husband works from home and you have three kids, there is often a noticeable lack of space. But if he was just out for the evening, I'd be kicked back enjoying it. It's when he travels out of the country that I am not settled. So, it reminds me once again that God is always calling me to find my security in Him. It's a constant theme in my life these days. I have all these swirling thoughts that can't seem to settle down in my head, and then God reminds me to "Be still and know" that He is God. I used to focus on the still part a lot in that verse. I find it unbelievably difficult to be still, and since my name means "busy bee" I say it's my parents fault. Just because they didn't consider the ramifications of saddling me with a name that implies constant motion doesn't mean I should feel guilty about it! However, the "know" part of the verse just hit me. If I'm just trying to be still it produces anxiety. But when I focus on what I KNOW, well now, that's where my heart begins to shift. I know that God is good. That God loves me. That God has a plan. And all that is true. But I think even bigger is just knowing that He is God. All powerful, all knowing, ever faithful, always constant, sovereign, death conquering, sin defeating, life saving GOD! That kind of knowing does something to settle my spirit that nothing else can. When I focus on who He is, it reminds me who I am not. My old youth pastor used to say, "There are only two rules: There is a God. You are not Him." It's a relief to remember that God is God. I can rest and settle down, even with my other half, halfway around the world.