Women and Friendship

Very few subjects are trickier for many women than developing friendships (except perhaps that pesky submission business). In fact, in my experience in ministering to women, I'd say during the teen years a lot felt dating to be easier than becoming friends with their female peers. On many levels, women are complicated, are we not? I kind of love that about us. I mean, it does make us rather mysterious, but at the same time it can make opening your heart to another female problematic.

Do they really like me, or do they just need something?

Can I trust them with my past, struggles, vulnerabilities?

Are they going to gossip about me?

They seem so together, and I'm afraid I will seem so awkward and ridiculous if I open up.

I often feel pressured when I'm with this person but I don't know why?

I feel let down over and over by this woman, but everyone else seems to love her- what's wrong with me?

Recently I've heard these statements, or ones like them from friends. All around me women are crying out for community, but can't figure out how to find it. And of course, we're not talking about "male community"- the kind where men get together, joke around non-stop, eat something hideously unhealthy, talk about sports and work, laugh some more, give each other the chest-bump-one-armed hug and call it "relationship". Because that just won't cut it for us. While all that is fun and fine, and the men are actually building relationships that way, we want to walk away from coffee or lunch feeling we know something deeper than when we started. And most especially, that someone knows us and still likes us. And we're not talking about superficial, "see and be seen", social climbing either. Because let's face it- that's not friendship, that's nonsense. (Ain't nobody got time for that!) No, we are talking about sisterhood. Beautiful, vulnerable, truthful, you've-got-my-back, cry together, laugh together, love Jesus together friendship. Possible? Absolutely! Difficult? Yep. So here are some pointers if you find yourself struggling against fears, and hurts and just lack of friendship skills to help get you moving in the right direction.

Make the goal of your friendship honoring God. What does that mean practically? That you really want your friendship to be free from sin (gossip, complaint, lies, people pleasing, competition) and full of God's grace and truth. This would look like telling the truth about yourself. It would look like serving each other. It would look like holding in confidence your friend's thoughts and feelings. It would be full of freedom to be who you are. However, if I am really your friend, and I see you eating rat poison, and I love you- then chances are good I'm going to ask you "what they heck are you doing???" right? It's part of a God-honoring friendship to care about sin is our friends lives. But that does not give you license to confront them about your opinion. Big difference between the two.

Learn the difference between alligators and roses. Dee Brestin, in her book The Friendships of Women, presents this concept. A rose is worth having, even though sometimes you get pricked by the thorns. An alligator is always going to be dangerous, even though they smile sweetly. Some women are not healthy. They are in a place emotionally and spiritually that would be dangerous for you. You can certainly love them, but to try to develop  deep friendship will surely end in a deep wound for you. Most women are roses. Beautiful, worth investing in- and yet, you'll discover that in every person there are parts of them that may hurt you. A really big clue as to the difference: healthy women can take responsibility when they fail and make changes to their behavior. (If you find yourself running into a lot of alligators, you may need to do a little study. A really great book is Safe People, by Henry Cloud and James Townsend.)

Recognize that everyone wants to be loved and liked- just like you. It doesn't matter how "together" someone appears, we all have insecurities. We all wonder if people will think we look foolish at times. We've all been hurt by sin and brokenness in this world. A big part of becoming closer friends is affirming your "like" and "love" of the person. Let them know you are excited to get to know them better. That you see good things in them. The things you would want to hear yourself.

A good friendship feels like a see-saw. There should be an ebb and flow in any relationship. You give a little, they take. They give a little, you take. If it feels like you are always on one end or the other, think about that. It may be that you are trying to be friends with someone who does not have the time to have a deep relationship with you. And that is not a rejection of you- simply a reality. Not everyone will like you or want to be a close friend. But some people will! The key is to not give up or get discouraged. If you initiate plans once or twice and the other person does not reciprocate, take a step back and invest in someone else for awhile. You can't force a friendship.

Once a friendship is established, nurture it. Like any other relationship, you have to invest time, energy, thought and prayer into your friend. Prayer, in fact is a huge blessing in friendship, because in prayer God can open your eyes to needs your friend has, ways you can bless, but also when you need to step back and let the friendship breathe a little. Nurturing and smothering are not the same thing, and God can help you to see if you are becoming possessive, needy or controlling. (This would indicate a heart issue in yourself that should be addressed!)

I am ever so grateful for the wonderful, talented, Jesus loving, unique friends God has given me through the years. I have been blessed with lots of new women in my life recently, but one very precious friend, who has walked with me the longest is who I was thinking of as I wrote this blog. We have traveled 27 years of life together.....through middle school, high school, youth group, college, marriages, babies, death......... She knows me through and through. I have not always been the best friend to her. I have failed many times to love her as Christ loves me. But she saw me as a rose and hung in there in my prickly moments. And I have done the same with her. And I can tell you, beautiful friendships exist in this life through Christ, because I have had this with Caryn. Love you friend!

Caryn and I at her home two summers ago- makes me smile just to look at this picture!

Some stuff you should know before you get married

I have had an idea forming in my head for a few weeks now. I've been thinking about all the advice we give women and men before marriage and how much of it is good and true, yet how often we forget to tell them some very practical ideas and hints about how to function together. As a couple. And how sometimes the solutions to common problems aren't nearly as deep and difficult as we imagine them to be. So, here it is friends, Debi's list of: Stuff They Should Have Told You Before You Said "I Do" (but will still be helpful now)

My handsome husband on our wedding day....

1. Whatever side of the bed you pick on the honeymoon will be yours forever, so choose wisely.

2. You will probably get in your first married argument on your honeymoon. About something dumb. Don't sweat it- you're both running on high expectations and exhaustion.

3. There are basically two kinds of arguments: arguments about something that is on the surface unimportant, but under the surface a much deeper issue AND arguments that mean nothing more than one or both of you are being a sinful human being. Women tend to think ALL arguments are in the first category. Men tend to think ALL arguments are in the second. A huge task will be for both of you to learn which is which.

4.Social media is dangerous, friends. All that friendly, witty banter back and forth is often flirting in disguise. Be cautious and careful about what you say, to whom you say it and the ability to keep secrets. (I have said it before, but in marriage, everybody should be an open book!)

5. If one of you likes to be early, and one of you likes to be late you can either: argue a lot OR pout OR take separate cars. (pick C, I swear, you'll decide it's worth it)

6. Your sex life, like every other aspect of your relationship, is one you will grow in. Don't expect it is be magical all the time. Unlike every other aspect of your marriage it is intended to be kept sacred and private between the two of you. It is meant to be a safe space where you can be completely vulnerable and exposed. If you share details with others, you ruin the safe space. It will NEVER be skyrockets at night, if you ruin the safe space.

7. For the men- leading your wife is important. But, leading her to the right place is essential. You cannot lead her someplace you are not headed. If you want her to manage money better, run the house better, meet your needs better- you must decide if you are willing to do for her what Christ did for you. Also, sometimes you will be leading her well, and she will pout, cry, yell and generally respond horribly. Lead her anyway. She needs to know that you will head toward Christ even if she is standing stubbornly behind you. This creates both security and inspiration.

8. For the women- respect is what drives your husband. Do not tell his mistakes, foolish moments and flaws to others. Instead tell his strengths and successes. Brag on him in front of him and behind his back. Brag on him to your parents and your children. He will not always earn your respect. Show him respect anyway. He needs to know that even when he is a jerk or a failure, you are still beside him believing he is more than that one moment. That you trust God to work through him.

Loved the day I became Debi Russell!

9. One of you is probably better at paying the bills and will tend to take charge. This is okay, but the other person still needs to be "in the loop" on a monthly basis. Budgets still need to be agreed upon together and not dictated by the bill payer. The one who is not primarily paying the bills should not feel as though they are a child asking permission for $10 to grab some lunch nor should they feel at liberty to spend whatever they want knowing the other person "will handle it". This is why monthly communication and agreed goals are very important.

10. It's really good to periodically take some time away from one another to allow time to miss each other. It will not threaten the marriage to have some separateness. Each of you having a hobby or time you get away from the house is fine and even healthy, as long as you are mindful of the need to balance that with time together.

11. For the men- sometimes, when your wife is really emotional, all she needs is for you to approach her and hug her. Don't solve the problem. Just hug her and let her know you love her. She's a pretty smart gal anyway- or you wouldn't have picked her, right? So don't worry about fixing the problem- she'll handle it. She just needs to know that in the moments where she is overwhelmed and hormonal and dramatic- that you still love her. (When in doubt: hug+I love you. Seriously, this will help)

12. Marriage is crazy hard. Fighting is inevitable. You will not always even like the person you married. Sometimes you will worry you made a mistake. That, in fact, this person was just hiding all their flaws and they duped you into marrying them. But, the truth is, YOU bring out the flaws in them. Believe me, they are as shocked as you are in what they are discovering in you and themselves. There is no other relationship that quite exposes our selfishness like marriage. It's annoying and humbling and freeing. Stick with it! Get with a good christian counselor when you need to. Read books when you need to. But mainly, love your spouse deeply- the way God loves you. This will get you through the rough times and enhance the good times.

What it's Like to be a Christian Counselor- Part 2

Today has been a heavy day around the office here at Branches. Some intense life situations for clients playing out as we attempt to help them navigate storms. Not every day is like that of course, but today has felt a little extra stressful. I decided to write on just such a day, because it is helpful I think, to be honest that at times, counseling can be hard. Weighty. At these times I take great comfort in this verse...

This sits on my bookshelf in my office to remind me on stressful days, that God is still in control. (and I am not)

One of the distinct differences between christian counseling and other types of counseling, is the use of God's word in our healing. I have a bible in my office that I regularly use to apply God's truth to a situation a client is facing. Whether we are talking about boundaries, trauma, death, addiction, relational struggles, parenting or anxiety and depression- God's word has real truth and real application for my clients lives. Some of my favorite moments are when I am listening to a client share a thought or story, and God brings to mind a perfect verse to help them gain insight or understanding. I know it is God who brings the scripture to mind because: A. ever since giving birth to children my memory is ridiculous and B. Luke 12:12 tells us that the Holy Spirit brings to mind what we should say when we don't know what to say.

My favorite recovery verse sits framed on a table- it was a gift from a client who found that verse freed her to make some needed changes.

Another highly wonderful part of working as a christian counselor is the fellowship and wisdom I gain from my fellow counselors. I work with very gifted and compassionate people, who love Jesus and want to see His work done in the lives of our clients.

Mike Courtney, who founded Branches out of his own journey into recovery and leads (fearlessly, tirelessly, lovingly) our Branches crew, and Bill Robison, my "office neighbor" who I regularly barge in on to ask his opinion on lots of issues and who is usually watching a sermon on- line at that moment (thanks for always pausing your sermon for me!)

Trish Wilson, one of our LPC's (Licensed Professional Counselor) who helps me remember my boundaries and encourages me to be gracious with myself and Chandy Powell, my other "office neighbor" and fellow mom of teenage sons- who is a few years ahead of me and who reminds me, "this too shall pass" when needed

Tracey Robison, our Clinical Director and an LPC who left private practice for the world of non-profit, because "God told her to" and who subsequently told me to "quit messing around and come be a counselor at Branches too!" (my paraphrase, but it's basically true, as she is sometimes known for bossing us like a mama bear) and little ol' me!

This is Bob Schwartz. Bob does not counsel. If he did he might say things like "just stop it!'  (true story) No, Bob volunteers hours upon hours to simply help Branches manage our finances well and with integrity and with the ability to pay the light bill. There are countless other volunteers like Bob who were not around for me to snap their picture, but who bless all our clients, albeit indirectly.

Chef Hat- Italian Shepherd Pie

I have never been a fan of traditional Shepherd's Pie. It's always seemed a little bland to me. However I came across this recipe a year or so ago, and after modifying slightly, I have a new "all family" favorite. (And if you're a mom, you know those are the keepers!)

Italian Shepherd Pie

1 pkg. Perdue Sweet Italian Sausage (casings removed, and browned)
1 can petite diced tomato
1 tsp. basil
1 tsp.oregano

Can you tell I shop at Kroger?

The aroma of this little combo is heavenly....

After browning the sausage, add the tomato's and spices and turn to low, cover and let simmer while you prepare the potato part. 

2 packages Idahoan Roasted Garlic Mashed Potato's

8 oz Italian blend shredded cheese

1 tsp. Italian seasoning

(optional) French Fried Onions (this add additional flavor/fat- sometimes I do, sometimes I don't)

Prepare potato's according to package directions. Add cheese and spices and stir until melted. Pour meat mixture into 9x13 glass baking dish and top with potatoes. Cover and bake @ 350 for 30 minutes. If desired, uncover and top with french fried onions for 5 additional minutes.

You can use plain potatoes and add garlic powder to alter for gluten-free diets

The potatoes are really thick, and this makes enough for a family of 5

Playing Second Fiddle

Tonight I watched my oldest in his school musical, The Secret Garden. He was a minor character in the show, and as such did not have many solo parts. I was, however, so incredibley proud of him, because after watching him participate in two hour practices every day after school for weeks, I realized something: in many ways it's harder to be back up than lead. When he tried out for the play, he was truly disappointed to not be given a major role. In fact, I wondered aloud if it was going to be worth it to be part of the show for him. My eldest loves to lead, to perform and to star. But, he reasoned it was a poor decision to quit just because he wasn't cast in the part he wanted so he stuck it out. He juggled school, job and play practice for months, only to be on stage in the spotlight for a brief moment or two. Otherwise he was part of the ensemble chorus- one of many. There was very little personal glory in his role, yet the work invested much the same as those with a lead. The lead characters will be remembered. Stopped in the hallway and congratulated. Honored. Yet without all the minor parts and ensemble cast, the show would not have been possible, much less successful. For any collaborative effort to succeed, there must be people willing to play back up, background, second fiddle roles.

I often desire the "parts" in life that bring the glory. I'm ashamed to admit that it's true, but it is. I'd like to think I only want to humbly serve in the background, but the truth is, I like being honored. Oh sure, I'll work hard, plan hard and even pray hard- but I want a bit of the spotlight in return. Or at the very least, an honorable mention. But toil and work and serve......unrecognized?? 

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing. Taking on the very nature of a servant..." (Philippians 2)

It occured to me that the nature of a servant is to serve others. Not to be served. Not to strive and grasp for attention and glory. But simply to focus on the object of his service. Jesus came to earth to bring His father glory by serving us through the perfect life He lived for us and the horrible death He died for us. If I am to be part of this beautiful creation called the church that exists to express God's love to the world, I have to focus on the One I serve and the ones He calls me to serve. And be content in knowing I already share in His glory.

Tonight I was proud of my son for his willingness to work hard at something that contributed to an overall success for many, but brough him very little personal glory. May the same be true of my role in God's kingdom.

Keeping it All Together

When I was young and had a memory that actually worked I did not feel joined at the hip to my planner. With every birth, I have become more convinced that somehow a woman's memory is connected to the baby, because as each child left my body, so did some of my ability to recall where I'm supposed to be, who I told which story too and why am I standing in the middle of the grocery store?? So, as all good women eventually do, I quit trying to wing it, and began writing everything down as my primary plan. My memory had been relegated to a back up plan B.

Over the years I have had many different types of planner and calendars and have finally come up with a system that works for me. I use two planner/journals per year for my scheduling, meal planning and sermon notes. I have discovered a new sweet benefit of my attempts to keep everything running smoothly throughout the year: in writing down all the appointments, meals and thoughts about God, little reminders for kids schools or sports, etc. I have created a chronicle of our year. I have never been a good "journaler" and Millinery doesn't really count because I certainly filter which events and thoughts I share with the world at large. But my journal for my meal planning/sermon notes as well as my daily planner are a true uncensored look at my life.

It was a fun treat to begin looking back at these as a year would come to a close. I could see the ebb and flow of life in myself and my family as I read my weekly menu's, scanned all the plans made with friends and family, all the work appointments and doctor appointments and trips I'd taken. My favorite part was looking through old sermon notes to see how God was showing me more of Himself and His love and His purposes in my life. Some of my scribbled notes and crossed out to-do lists showed me how I still teeter on the edge of over-committing and how I still struggle to be consistent in things like exercise/bible study/healthy eating.

I highly recommend keeping all your to-do lists, menu's, ideas and plans in one or two planners so you can look back as well. It is practical to plan and make lists, but having a year's worth all bound together to reread is also nostalgic and offers a perspective on life I haven't experienced until I began doing this.

My current pretty journal.....

A recent meal plan, and notes from an incredible sermon series through the book of Genesis

Titus Two 4 U - How to hold a profitable garage sale

With all the emphasis on being a frugal wife/mom these days, I thought some of you who have never tried having a garage sale (or tried and found it to be not worth it) might like some guidelines on making sure all the effort it pays off. At this point I consider myself a pro- you can decide for yourself but here is my resume: in the past 10 years I have held 10 sales for a total revenue of over $15,000. Now, most of that money has gone toward missions my family has been part of. We have partially financed gospel mission work in Brazil, Nicaragua, India, Romania, Ethipoia and Panama. Also, who can forget last year's "Get Debi a New Washing Machine" sale which was so successful we also, "Fixed the Riding Lawn Mower" (amen, and thank you Lord! the grass was getting high) So, based on all this I am a self proclaimed expert and I'd love to pass on my experience to you!

Debi's Top Tips for Holding a Successful Sale

1. Advertise a lot! I run free ads on Craigslist, Garagesales.com and Yardsalefrog.com. All these sites will allow you to post an ad for free. I also make poster board signs for the area around my neighborhood for the "drive by" traffic. Use all one color poster board- preferably flouresecent so people can easily spot them.

2. Borrow tables and make sure you sort, fold and display your items nicely. People will not bend over to hunt through piles of clothing on the ground or in a box. If you need to put like items in a box, such as books or DVD's , try to set the box a little higher off the ground by putting another box/tub underneath it.

3. Bulk price almost everything! When you have several hundred clothing items, your best bet is to have a .50 cent table and a $1 table. I have standard prices for common items: all shoes $3 per pair, hardback books $1, softback books .50 cents, all purses $3 (sometimes if I have a really nice purse I'll hang it and price individually) stuffed animals $1/.50 cents (I separate into two boxes depending on quality) DVD's $3 each, CD's $1, jeans (no rips/stains) $2 each. Clothing is subjective, so if I think it's a really nice item (brand name, brand new or coats) I hang them and price individually. Otherwise it's folded and sold cheap. 

4. Always have a "man table" because the women will shop longer if the men have something to look at. Tools, fishing gear, knives, gadgets, sporting memmorabilia, baseball caps and random things from your garage will work great. 

5. Let people haggle you a little. Even though you are already giving them a great deal it is generally considered garage sale "norm" if someone wants to buy a whole box of something, you will give them a couple bucks off. I always add up what the price should be then subtract a few. If someone wants to buy a whole box of books though, just let them pay what they want, because books are heavy and you'll never sell them all. You'll be glad to have them gone at the end of your sale- believe me.

6. Restraighten your tables as the day goes on. Display does matter, even at garage sales. 

7. Make signs to let people know of the bulk prices, otherwise put stickers stating the price on everything else. 

8. Fold sheet sets and masking tape together. Write on the tape what size the set is-  "queen sheet set, no stains, nice and soft! $5" Same with towels, curtain panels and pajama sets for women and kids.

9. Have plenty of bags on hand for people's purchases. I try to stockpile a few bigger handled bags for heavier items. 

10. Keep an extension cord plugged in and easily accessible for people to make sure electronics work. 

11. Don't price lower than multiples of .25 cents. In other words, nothing sells for less than a quarter. It makes chek out so much easier! If something isn't worth .25 cents sell them "two for a quarter" as in "Socks, 2 pairs for .25 cents" If it's only worth a nickle, just make it free. It's worth the less hasssle when checking 6 people out at once.

12. Don't sell Bibles. Just give them away. Trust me on this.

13. Keep a sense of humor, a sharpie , a roll of masking tape and a cup of coffee with you. Good luck and let me know how your sale went! 

Don't be discouraged by the madness- plan for about 10 hours to get it all sorted and ready.

We actually had a piano donated for this sale!