Glimpses are my Manna

I am, as I've been posting, in a new and uncharted season in my mothering. Two teenage boys and one ten year old girl and me, trying to figure out how much to let go- how much to reign in. In the midst of this strange new parenting world, I find myself unsure and unsteady in my role. I recognize failure at times. I see the tension mount between me and both boys as we all try to learn how to relate to each other and yet maintain the feeling of normal. It is in these times I long to see God's grace for me and for my kids, to comfort me as we journey and unintentionally bruise each other's hearts along the way.

In the Old Testament God gave His children a very literal portion of provision, manna, as food on a daily basis during their wandering in the wilderness phase. I'm presuming Moses shared some of my feelings about being in a new and uncharted place as they wandered around trying to find the promised land. God gave them this manna for nourishment, on a practical level. But on a deeper level, it was a way of reminding them that they were utterly dependent on Him to survive. Because, let's face it, you cannot make food fall from the sky! (Total side note, I have always loved the book Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs! Moving on....) So every day, God provided His grace to sustain His children in the form of manna on the ground for them to collect and prepare meals for their families. The only caveat was each person could only collect enough to feed their family for the day. Not for a week, or month. In fact, if they took more than one day's worth it would rot. God knew the tendency to be fearful about the future and try to create false security in stockpiling was very real, so he provided a way to keep His children from indulging that fear.

Yesterday, I got some manna. The hardest part of letting go is not always recognizing the person in front of me. Feeling disconnected and out of the loop of their life. Not knowing why they are responding in a certain way, or what the look on their face really means is difficult when you have studied intently each child from the moment they were placed in your arms in order that you might love them well. So, often I find myself tearful or down because a "normal" parenting moment has become tense and strange and I walk away, not sure if I caused a problem or if the parenting simply highlighted my child's heart issues, or if this is all just the inevitable course of growing up. But yesterday, I got a glimpse of reconnecting. A picture of what we really are below the teenage mood swings and parental tension. It was a normal evening, nothing unusual, and yet for some reason my middle was in a light hearted mood and seemed to want to interact with my husband I. We got some dinner together and he had us both laughing at his antics and even spent some time chatting about his thoughts on various topics. It the feeling of exhaling when you didn't know you had been holding your breath- unexpected relief and comfort. Later my oldest volunteered to be helpful with some things I needed for my yard sale. While making signs he shared about his newfound love for reading God's word. Another glimpse. Inside his head and heart where I do not always have access, God is doing His amazing work of transformation and He let me catch a quick glance at it.

These little glimpses into the unseen work of God sustain me. When parenting involves discipline and I feel the loss of closeness to my children in their anger, they help me to remember why I keep at it. When I fail and wonder if my children will be completely screwed up by my mistakes, they remind me that God is sustaining them too. When I wonder what it will be like in he future, I am reminded to only ask for enough for today, because today is all I am promised, and trying to secure the future will pull me away from my Sustainer into Self-Sufficency. There was a time in my life where being showered with gifts or expressions of love on Mother's Day felt paramount. But for now, all I ask for is another glimpse into the harvest God promises He yields from seeds of faithfulness sewn into my children. 

The Inconvenient Signs of Life

Currently no one in the family is allowed to answer or open the front door. Not because there is anything wrong with our door mind you. No, the cause of this unusual ban are six tiny, speckled eggs. In a nest. In my front door floral arrangement. On the one hand, I just have to say kudos to the bird  for building such a solid, compact little place to incubate your babies. On the other hand, it's totally annoying to not access our front door until these birds hatch, for fear of mama abandoning the nest with all the opening and closing of our door. It's a real inconvenience, yet I do it for the sake of six little baby birds who I figure should have a shot at life in spite of the fact that their parents need a new realtor.

Life is full of inconveniences, isn't it? Crumbs on the floor, crumbs on the stairs, cat hair on the carpet, spills any and everywhere, papers to be signed, repairmen to be called, bills to be paid and on and on. Do you know what the common denominator is in most inconveniences? People. I have decided it's possible to live a neat, tidy and orderly life. It's just not possible with other people in it. Just as blood pumping through my veins is proof I am alive, these inconveniences show the metaphorical pulse that my life, is indeed full of life. Not only that, they show me that there is more to life than my short term comfort and security. It is through the inconveniences that God burns the selfishness, immaturity and pride out me so I am ready to sacrifice for, battle with and love deeply the people He has put around me.

I'll post a picture of our front door guest's arrival, but in the mean time, if you need something, come on by and meet me at the mudroom.

Saving Sanity - Seven Ways to Make it Through Tough Moments

Let's face it girls- some days it's just hard to keep it all together. You know those days where you squeeze into pants that are too snug, after over sleeping by 15 minutes so you get out the door just in time to hit all the horrible traffic, while leaving behind a sink full of last night's dishes, an unmade bed, wet laundry still in the washer (that will smell funny by the time you get home) and your wallet, which you forgot on the dresser.

Or days where your kids are totally ungrateful, disrespectful and downright ornery while you are trying to find a way to salvage the dinner you just burned after reading the email that your checking account over drafted because you had unexpected car repairs and medical bills in the same week.

And sometimes, even though you know deep down this is not stuff that matters in the big picture of life, it feels like all you can see is Polaroid snapshots, not panoramic views. And it is at precisely these times when you must keep handy a little list of ways to stay sane on days that are not. Here is my list:

1. Breathe deep. 10 deep breaths slow and steady. It clears your brain, slows your heart rate, improves your oxygen sat's and lowers your blood pressure.

2. Laugh. There's no excuse with YouTube and Netflix to not have something funny to watch. Laughter is good medicine. I personally laugh at my kids, my husband and Brian Regan- my favorite comedian. Ooh and Tim Hawkins singing. And also Strongbad. And Ask-A-Ninja. Or in a pinch, like say if your Internet is down, you can imagine that the squirrels are arch enemies. And some speak in English accents and some in Mexican accents. And they trash talk each other for intimidation. (Clearly I have a lot of days I need to laugh....)

3. Baseball Bat Therapy. This is a fabulous way to get rid of pent up frustration and stress. Get a baseball bat. Find a big tree. Make sure it's in your yard. Beat the heck out of it. Trust me on this- feels.so.good.

4. Sing to Jesus. On days when what you know to be true, simply doesn't feel true, worship lets you focus on the only One who can help you reconnect to truth. He is sovereign, He is faithful, He loves you, He has saved you, He is constant, He is working all things together for your good and His glory. I personally have learned if I will sing to Him, really worship Him- it transforms my heart and renews my mind.

5. Talk to Another Woman. When you're on the brink of completely flipping out over running out of nail polish remover, or your kid's messy room or a voice mail your mother left you- this is no time to involve men or small children. Only another woman can talk you off that precarious ledge without making you feel completely unfit for human interaction. Some issues in life defy logic. The need to have women in your life who understand and can tactfully, ever so carefully, calm you down is paramount. "You are planning to throw the entire dinner into the front yard and make your family eat it like the wolves that they are? Well, of course, of course. But......they probably won't eat it, ungrateful people that they are, and then they'll be whining about how hungry they are later. Sooooo, maybe just go ahead and serve it to them at the table and go get in the bath while they eat. And, you know, perhaps you should just not speak to anyone until like, oh say, next Tuesday. I mean, just to teach them a lesson, and ahem, prevent any calls to the authorities."

6. Keep a stash of really good chocolate hidden for these moments. This requires no further explanation.

7. Pray and Journal. Lamentations says to "pour out your heart like water before The Lord" and sometimes I can do this in my mind. But sometimes my mind is so jumbled, it helps to write my prayers down. And even just write down all the stresses and hurts and worries and then pray about them. This is different from worship slightly. While worshipping I focus on who God is.
In prayer I tell Him who I am and allow Him refine, redirect or mold those beliefs so they are in line
with what the gospel teaches me.

So, these are mine. Tried and true. What keeps you sane when life feels crazy?

Who's the responsible adult around here?

I heard a shocking statistic a week or so ago. Psychologists say that in America the phase of "adolescence" has now been extended into the early 30's for a majority of people. There are a variety of causes and that friends, is a whole discussion for another day. But essentially what this means is we have a whole bunch of adults who still behave, believe and respond like teenagers. (Cue the guy in his mom's basement gaming at 3am on a Tuesday night....) 

It got me thinking, the typical or what we have always called "normal" development in a person is from childhood to adolescence to responsible adult. Somewhere around 25 we assume this will occur. We accept that this is as it should be, and generally speaking, we responsible adults are shocked and aghast by the folks who still live in the self absorbed, impulsive and immature state we left behind after high school or college. So here's what I have been really asking myself: Who decides what responsible really means? Does culture? My parents? My current peer group? Or does my relationship with God through Christ help me define what a responsible adult looks like? I think, more and more that as I look at my life, I let culture tell me what responsible looked like, and yet in many ways I have lived my adult life still self-absorbed, impulsive and immature. Here are some examples of things I used to believe it meant to grow up and be an adult:

go to college, graduate and get a career started
buy a house
get married
have children
make sacrifices so said children can have the best of whatever I can give them
be involved as a leader in my church and community
get raises, then buy a nicer house

Yours may have looked similar. And none of these are bad or sinful, in fact some are good things, but most are not actually instructions from scripture. The bible does address what to do when you have a family, but never instructs us that we must marry or have children in order to live a life that honors God. Nope, the truth is, I believed all these things because it's what the world told me I was supposed to do. And yet all the while, I continued to ignore many of the commands in scripture that actually address responsibilities I need to embrace. I have been self absorbed- I have lived largely unconcerned about the global impact of my lifestyle. I have not cared deeply about the spiritual condition of people enough to sacrifice personally to make sure they have a chance to hear the gospel. I have been mainly concerned with my temporary comfort and convenience rather than the basic needs of starving, sick and lost people all around the world. I have been more concerned with my children's ability to feel normal and fit in (ie. shop at American Eagle), than allocating resources to children with no families at all. I have mostly been relieved to be an American where it's easy to live, rather than asking what God wants me to do with that gift of freedom.  I have been impulsive- I purchased things I couldn't afford on credit to feel normal. Like part of the collective "adult club"- people who eat out regularly, go on vacation yearly and buy bigger houses with every pay raise. I have been immature- rather than face conflict head on, I have avoided and placated. I have complained about blessings, forgotten to remember and left people out so I'd feel more in. (Hi, my name is Debi and I've been a teenager for the past 26 years...)

What strikes me about all this is that we all call this normal. It's why it ruffles our feathers when someone suggests we act "radical" and give away possessions or move to another country to take in foster kids- even though those are all just actually obedient behaviors to scripture. We have exchanged the truth- that following Christ is NOT about our comfort, success or happiness in this life, for a lie. We have churches full of adolescent believers and just a few "radicals". I have been one of them. But slowly, God has been gracious to open my eyes and heart to what He asks of me. To allow me to see myself and ask hard questions about what I see. Over the past few years, and especially this last year, I have begun to see my responsibility as a mature adult christian with new vision. It is not my job to save anybody (that belongs to Jesus) or change the whole world. That is too big for me, and overwhelming, quite honestly. It is my job to follow in the example of Christ and effect change in situations and people as I come to them. Responsibility means my ability to respond. I cannot do everything, but I can do whatever I am able. I fail often, but when I do not, I see God changing me from a selfish and immature woman, into someone new. He uses all the brokenness in this world to refine us as we reach into it to bring His light. 

Women and Friendship

Very few subjects are trickier for many women than developing friendships (except perhaps that pesky submission business). In fact, in my experience in ministering to women, I'd say during the teen years a lot felt dating to be easier than becoming friends with their female peers. On many levels, women are complicated, are we not? I kind of love that about us. I mean, it does make us rather mysterious, but at the same time it can make opening your heart to another female problematic.

Do they really like me, or do they just need something?

Can I trust them with my past, struggles, vulnerabilities?

Are they going to gossip about me?

They seem so together, and I'm afraid I will seem so awkward and ridiculous if I open up.

I often feel pressured when I'm with this person but I don't know why?

I feel let down over and over by this woman, but everyone else seems to love her- what's wrong with me?

Recently I've heard these statements, or ones like them from friends. All around me women are crying out for community, but can't figure out how to find it. And of course, we're not talking about "male community"- the kind where men get together, joke around non-stop, eat something hideously unhealthy, talk about sports and work, laugh some more, give each other the chest-bump-one-armed hug and call it "relationship". Because that just won't cut it for us. While all that is fun and fine, and the men are actually building relationships that way, we want to walk away from coffee or lunch feeling we know something deeper than when we started. And most especially, that someone knows us and still likes us. And we're not talking about superficial, "see and be seen", social climbing either. Because let's face it- that's not friendship, that's nonsense. (Ain't nobody got time for that!) No, we are talking about sisterhood. Beautiful, vulnerable, truthful, you've-got-my-back, cry together, laugh together, love Jesus together friendship. Possible? Absolutely! Difficult? Yep. So here are some pointers if you find yourself struggling against fears, and hurts and just lack of friendship skills to help get you moving in the right direction.

Make the goal of your friendship honoring God. What does that mean practically? That you really want your friendship to be free from sin (gossip, complaint, lies, people pleasing, competition) and full of God's grace and truth. This would look like telling the truth about yourself. It would look like serving each other. It would look like holding in confidence your friend's thoughts and feelings. It would be full of freedom to be who you are. However, if I am really your friend, and I see you eating rat poison, and I love you- then chances are good I'm going to ask you "what they heck are you doing???" right? It's part of a God-honoring friendship to care about sin is our friends lives. But that does not give you license to confront them about your opinion. Big difference between the two.

Learn the difference between alligators and roses. Dee Brestin, in her book The Friendships of Women, presents this concept. A rose is worth having, even though sometimes you get pricked by the thorns. An alligator is always going to be dangerous, even though they smile sweetly. Some women are not healthy. They are in a place emotionally and spiritually that would be dangerous for you. You can certainly love them, but to try to develop  deep friendship will surely end in a deep wound for you. Most women are roses. Beautiful, worth investing in- and yet, you'll discover that in every person there are parts of them that may hurt you. A really big clue as to the difference: healthy women can take responsibility when they fail and make changes to their behavior. (If you find yourself running into a lot of alligators, you may need to do a little study. A really great book is Safe People, by Henry Cloud and James Townsend.)

Recognize that everyone wants to be loved and liked- just like you. It doesn't matter how "together" someone appears, we all have insecurities. We all wonder if people will think we look foolish at times. We've all been hurt by sin and brokenness in this world. A big part of becoming closer friends is affirming your "like" and "love" of the person. Let them know you are excited to get to know them better. That you see good things in them. The things you would want to hear yourself.

A good friendship feels like a see-saw. There should be an ebb and flow in any relationship. You give a little, they take. They give a little, you take. If it feels like you are always on one end or the other, think about that. It may be that you are trying to be friends with someone who does not have the time to have a deep relationship with you. And that is not a rejection of you- simply a reality. Not everyone will like you or want to be a close friend. But some people will! The key is to not give up or get discouraged. If you initiate plans once or twice and the other person does not reciprocate, take a step back and invest in someone else for awhile. You can't force a friendship.

Once a friendship is established, nurture it. Like any other relationship, you have to invest time, energy, thought and prayer into your friend. Prayer, in fact is a huge blessing in friendship, because in prayer God can open your eyes to needs your friend has, ways you can bless, but also when you need to step back and let the friendship breathe a little. Nurturing and smothering are not the same thing, and God can help you to see if you are becoming possessive, needy or controlling. (This would indicate a heart issue in yourself that should be addressed!)

I am ever so grateful for the wonderful, talented, Jesus loving, unique friends God has given me through the years. I have been blessed with lots of new women in my life recently, but one very precious friend, who has walked with me the longest is who I was thinking of as I wrote this blog. We have traveled 27 years of life together.....through middle school, high school, youth group, college, marriages, babies, death......... She knows me through and through. I have not always been the best friend to her. I have failed many times to love her as Christ loves me. But she saw me as a rose and hung in there in my prickly moments. And I have done the same with her. And I can tell you, beautiful friendships exist in this life through Christ, because I have had this with Caryn. Love you friend!

Caryn and I at her home two summers ago- makes me smile just to look at this picture!

Some stuff you should know before you get married

I have had an idea forming in my head for a few weeks now. I've been thinking about all the advice we give women and men before marriage and how much of it is good and true, yet how often we forget to tell them some very practical ideas and hints about how to function together. As a couple. And how sometimes the solutions to common problems aren't nearly as deep and difficult as we imagine them to be. So, here it is friends, Debi's list of: Stuff They Should Have Told You Before You Said "I Do" (but will still be helpful now)

My handsome husband on our wedding day....

1. Whatever side of the bed you pick on the honeymoon will be yours forever, so choose wisely.

2. You will probably get in your first married argument on your honeymoon. About something dumb. Don't sweat it- you're both running on high expectations and exhaustion.

3. There are basically two kinds of arguments: arguments about something that is on the surface unimportant, but under the surface a much deeper issue AND arguments that mean nothing more than one or both of you are being a sinful human being. Women tend to think ALL arguments are in the first category. Men tend to think ALL arguments are in the second. A huge task will be for both of you to learn which is which.

4.Social media is dangerous, friends. All that friendly, witty banter back and forth is often flirting in disguise. Be cautious and careful about what you say, to whom you say it and the ability to keep secrets. (I have said it before, but in marriage, everybody should be an open book!)

5. If one of you likes to be early, and one of you likes to be late you can either: argue a lot OR pout OR take separate cars. (pick C, I swear, you'll decide it's worth it)

6. Your sex life, like every other aspect of your relationship, is one you will grow in. Don't expect it is be magical all the time. Unlike every other aspect of your marriage it is intended to be kept sacred and private between the two of you. It is meant to be a safe space where you can be completely vulnerable and exposed. If you share details with others, you ruin the safe space. It will NEVER be skyrockets at night, if you ruin the safe space.

7. For the men- leading your wife is important. But, leading her to the right place is essential. You cannot lead her someplace you are not headed. If you want her to manage money better, run the house better, meet your needs better- you must decide if you are willing to do for her what Christ did for you. Also, sometimes you will be leading her well, and she will pout, cry, yell and generally respond horribly. Lead her anyway. She needs to know that you will head toward Christ even if she is standing stubbornly behind you. This creates both security and inspiration.

8. For the women- respect is what drives your husband. Do not tell his mistakes, foolish moments and flaws to others. Instead tell his strengths and successes. Brag on him in front of him and behind his back. Brag on him to your parents and your children. He will not always earn your respect. Show him respect anyway. He needs to know that even when he is a jerk or a failure, you are still beside him believing he is more than that one moment. That you trust God to work through him.

Loved the day I became Debi Russell!

9. One of you is probably better at paying the bills and will tend to take charge. This is okay, but the other person still needs to be "in the loop" on a monthly basis. Budgets still need to be agreed upon together and not dictated by the bill payer. The one who is not primarily paying the bills should not feel as though they are a child asking permission for $10 to grab some lunch nor should they feel at liberty to spend whatever they want knowing the other person "will handle it". This is why monthly communication and agreed goals are very important.

10. It's really good to periodically take some time away from one another to allow time to miss each other. It will not threaten the marriage to have some separateness. Each of you having a hobby or time you get away from the house is fine and even healthy, as long as you are mindful of the need to balance that with time together.

11. For the men- sometimes, when your wife is really emotional, all she needs is for you to approach her and hug her. Don't solve the problem. Just hug her and let her know you love her. She's a pretty smart gal anyway- or you wouldn't have picked her, right? So don't worry about fixing the problem- she'll handle it. She just needs to know that in the moments where she is overwhelmed and hormonal and dramatic- that you still love her. (When in doubt: hug+I love you. Seriously, this will help)

12. Marriage is crazy hard. Fighting is inevitable. You will not always even like the person you married. Sometimes you will worry you made a mistake. That, in fact, this person was just hiding all their flaws and they duped you into marrying them. But, the truth is, YOU bring out the flaws in them. Believe me, they are as shocked as you are in what they are discovering in you and themselves. There is no other relationship that quite exposes our selfishness like marriage. It's annoying and humbling and freeing. Stick with it! Get with a good christian counselor when you need to. Read books when you need to. But mainly, love your spouse deeply- the way God loves you. This will get you through the rough times and enhance the good times.

What it's Like to be a Christian Counselor- Part 2

Today has been a heavy day around the office here at Branches. Some intense life situations for clients playing out as we attempt to help them navigate storms. Not every day is like that of course, but today has felt a little extra stressful. I decided to write on just such a day, because it is helpful I think, to be honest that at times, counseling can be hard. Weighty. At these times I take great comfort in this verse...

This sits on my bookshelf in my office to remind me on stressful days, that God is still in control. (and I am not)

One of the distinct differences between christian counseling and other types of counseling, is the use of God's word in our healing. I have a bible in my office that I regularly use to apply God's truth to a situation a client is facing. Whether we are talking about boundaries, trauma, death, addiction, relational struggles, parenting or anxiety and depression- God's word has real truth and real application for my clients lives. Some of my favorite moments are when I am listening to a client share a thought or story, and God brings to mind a perfect verse to help them gain insight or understanding. I know it is God who brings the scripture to mind because: A. ever since giving birth to children my memory is ridiculous and B. Luke 12:12 tells us that the Holy Spirit brings to mind what we should say when we don't know what to say.

My favorite recovery verse sits framed on a table- it was a gift from a client who found that verse freed her to make some needed changes.

Another highly wonderful part of working as a christian counselor is the fellowship and wisdom I gain from my fellow counselors. I work with very gifted and compassionate people, who love Jesus and want to see His work done in the lives of our clients.

Mike Courtney, who founded Branches out of his own journey into recovery and leads (fearlessly, tirelessly, lovingly) our Branches crew, and Bill Robison, my "office neighbor" who I regularly barge in on to ask his opinion on lots of issues and who is usually watching a sermon on- line at that moment (thanks for always pausing your sermon for me!)

Trish Wilson, one of our LPC's (Licensed Professional Counselor) who helps me remember my boundaries and encourages me to be gracious with myself and Chandy Powell, my other "office neighbor" and fellow mom of teenage sons- who is a few years ahead of me and who reminds me, "this too shall pass" when needed

Tracey Robison, our Clinical Director and an LPC who left private practice for the world of non-profit, because "God told her to" and who subsequently told me to "quit messing around and come be a counselor at Branches too!" (my paraphrase, but it's basically true, as she is sometimes known for bossing us like a mama bear) and little ol' me!

This is Bob Schwartz. Bob does not counsel. If he did he might say things like "just stop it!'  (true story) No, Bob volunteers hours upon hours to simply help Branches manage our finances well and with integrity and with the ability to pay the light bill. There are countless other volunteers like Bob who were not around for me to snap their picture, but who bless all our clients, albeit indirectly.