Titus Two 4 U - Needs vs. Wants

I was so happy to get an extra hour of sleep this morning! Resetting my clocks after daylight savings time ends is quite thrilling. It's 7am- wait, no, it's only 6am!! I am always thinking if I could just add a 25th hour to my day it'd be "perfect". (Which I realize is like saying, essentially, God should have added an extra hour to the whole earth rotation, which I'm pretty sure fringes on heretical) Anyway, that whole inner dialogue got me thinking about how often I say "I need _________" but when I break it down, it's really not true. I want ___________. But I don't need it. Sometimes it's "stuff" I think I need. But my current "shopping fast" is proving to me it's not true. (Let me add, as a side note, this is becoming VERY challenging as we approach holidays!! I keep forgetting, truly. Then I remember. Then I have to remind myself why this seemed like a good idea.) Sometimes it's things for my kids. Sometimes it's more rest or less stress. Sometimes I think I need more fun in my life. But God was bringing to mind the verse in Proverbs 31 about the wife of noble character last night, and a thought hit me. One of the reasons her family is so taken care of is she prepares for their needs.

I think as an American mama, I sometimes get it backward. I am busy preparing for wants, then the needs get pushed to the back. My kids want fun, new stuff, food they like, time to play. They need spiritual guidance, emotionally present parents, nutritious food/basic clothing. Now these are not necessarily opposed to one another. Sometimes I can provide all of them. But, when I can't do it all, the needs should trump the wants. It's easier to see this with my kids than myself however.

I need daily time with Jesus- I want to surf facebook or blog. I need nutritious food- I want dark chocolate and diet coke. I need meaningful relationships with other women who speak truth and love me well- I want friends who like me and are impressed with my efforts. I need a husband who loves me unconditionally- I want a husband who agrees with me.  I need to get a good night's sleep- I want all the dishes out of the sink or the floor vacuumed. Again, these are not always opposed to one another. But too often I choose what I want over what I need. So as we are in the month of Thankfulness I want to take a minute to thank God for meeting my needs. And ask for His help in choosing to take that portion of provision instead of passing over it to find what I want.

Happy Trick or Treat Day!

2012- the Fox and the Bat(girl)

Just for fun, I've been reminiscing about Halloween's past and remembering some of my favorite kid's costumes of yester-year.....

when I only had two babies....

happy ladybug girl

princesses!

he was a great ninja

being goofy, literally and figuratively

Zorro, no costume and ladybug

Look at her sweet smile...

this one just looks awkward all the way around....

another sweet face- and no I cannot figure out how to turn this!

"a blessing in disguise"

Elfeba from Wicked

Chef Hat- French Onion Chicken

This is a great weeknight dish for me because I can prep it before I leave for work and then someone can throw it in the oven and cook the rice and ta-da! Dinner is waiting on me when I get home at 8ish.

1-2 lbs boneless, skinless chicken breast cubed
2 cans reduced fat cream of mushroom soup
2 cans french style green beans, drained or 1 bag frozen green beans
1 envelope onion soup mix
1 can french fried onions (optional)

Layer cubed chicken, green beans in glass baking dish. Combine onion soup mix with soups and spread on top. Cover with foil and bake at 350 for 45 minutes. Uncover (and top with french fried onions of using) and bake 5-10 minutes more until bubbly. Serve over rice.

This serves 6 and makes very yummy leftovers- in fact, it's what I just ate for lunch before heading into work!

Bookend Birthdays

So today is my last day at 38. Tomorrow I will be 39 and officially living my last year of this decade. It is the book end on a really great period in my life. I have loved, loved my 30's. God has worked me through lots of emotional and spiritual junk, I began a career, I gave birth to my bookend baby, traveled to Brazil and India to make Jesus famous and it has generally been a time of great blessing by God, full of transitions. In these nine years I have changed houses, churches and work life. I went from a mom of "littles" to a mom of teens + one big girl. I went from working part-time to full-time. My friendships have shifted. Thankfully, my primary relationships are stronger and my love for God is deeper than they were when I began this decade. What a blessing!

As I sit here, sipping my coffee and thinking of this last year in the 30's I feel somewhat excited and motivated to close this era with gusto. You know, to look back and say my 39th year really reflected all that my 30's taught me and blessed me with. So, to that end I have a few small (or big, depending on your perspective) goals for life over the next 365 days:

to be in better shape physically than I was when I began this decade- since I've been very open about my struggles to exercise faithfully, you know this will be a challenge. But since I have come to the conviction that I want to be a good steward of the body and health that God has given me, it has been a little easier. My plan to reach this goal is to continue to work out four days a week, cut back even further on diet cokes and bring some strength training into my cardio.

to try something new- I am a self professed "hamster on a wheel" so trying new things is always in intentional choice. But I am keeping my eyes and ears open to an opportunity God might present to grow me through attempting something I've never done. I'll keep you posted.

to faithfully spend time connecting to God- this is another pattern of inconsistency I deeply desire to change. This is my year to do it! My church is a beautiful encouragement to me in this area as we are memorizing God's word together and studying through books of the bible in sermons. I am serious about becoming a woman who depends on God and not my own strength, personality or gifting. My plan is to simply spend time in prayer and reading God's word on a very consistent basis. I won't say every day, because for me that tends to become legalism- something to check off a list that proves I'm "good" but I do want my life to be characterized by a pattern. In fact, I guess the goal would be at the end of the year to feel my day was not quite normal if I hadn't spent intentional time with God.

to rejoice in the gifts of the moment and spend less time wasted on worry- I read a quote recently, I think it was Donald Miller, which said "God created this wonderful world full of awe and beauty and placed you in it to learn from it, care for it and see His glory. And you can't do that sitting on the couch watching TV all the time." So true! To which I would add, you can't do that worrying about what tomorrow might bring. This moment is a gift. Right now, sitting here with this laptop and my cozy blanket and my needy cat. My lungs work, my heart works, my kidneys work. My family is safe. My needs are met. These are gifts I don't deserve. I have not earned the right to have them. I want to live in such a way that as I enter my 40's I am constantly aware that every moment- the fun, the tiring, the good, the painful, the sweet, the sad, the ordinary and extraordinary- are all from God and all to be lived to His glory.

Me and the hubs going out for my 39th Birthday Date!

I am closing this blog with a prayer of thanks to my Lord:

Dear Father, thank you for giving me life- both physically 39 years ago and spiritually! What a blessing to live knowing who you are and what you have done for me. I thank you for all my gifts, but most importantly for your son's death and resurrection that gives me hope, and life and joy. This has been such a good year. I have cried a bunch with you over hurts of letting go. Over tensions in relationships. And in those tears you have taught me so many good things about myself and my need to be loved that I try to fill in many ways outside of you. Thank you for teaching me to depend on you to fill my heart. I have also delighted in my children growing up and seeing their lives unfold. Thank you, thank you, thank you for allowing me to be their mom another year. Thank you for challenging me to hold them "open palmed" and preparing me for them to spread their wings soon. I have treasured times with both my moms this year. Thank you for giving them another year of life and health, that I may love them better and learn to honor them more for who they are in my life. I have learned so much this year about myself in my marriage. Thank you for giving Scott and I the grace to love one another through the good, bad and ugly. He is still my very best friend and I am deeply grateful for every day we are given together. Finally I am amazed that you have given us a church family where we are challenged and loved. City Church has been one of my very favorite presents from you this year- may I be as much a blessing to this family as they have been to me and my family. In Jesus' Name- Amen.

Style and Acceptance

I enjoy being a stylish girl. I really do. But I find that I am always a little slow with catching up to whatever the newest "look" is. When flat ironed hair came "in" about 12 years ago, I was still getting spiral perms. When pointed-toe shoes came in, I was still loving my snub-nosed clogs from 2 seasons before.  And when belts made a huge come back, well, I'm still getting used to them- I currently only own one and I'm not convinced I'm wearing it right.

I have to really watch how people are wearing the latest look and study it and watch blog outfit posts to gain the confidence to try it. I think I lack an innate sense of style, so I mimic others. I would have been kicked off Project Runway immediately. (which would have been fine with me because there seem to be unnecessarily high levels of drama involved in every episode.....)

As a teenager, I could disguise this lack of style awareness by spending large amounts of time shopping and paying attention to others. When I first had babies, I went through a period of not really caring about staying current in fashion, because I just figured, "oh well, I'm a mom now and that doesn't matter". Then when I was suddenly single again, I got concerned about how "dated" I looked and how that might affect "dating". I got remarried and have spent my late 20's through late 30's trying to figure out what my style is, and how to be current without being too young or too trendy. I'm too busy to spend hours trolling the internet or reading magazines. If I had to give my style a label it might be "cute and girly meets classic off the clearance rack" I find myself asking:

 at what age do I stop wearing actual shorts? can I shop at Forever 21? Is it really ok for my bra straps to show a bit from under my tank top straps? How long are we going to be "belting" because I don't want to buy a bunch of belts if they'll be "out" in a season or two. Are skinny jeans already out, or can I keep wearing them? 

I realize none of these thoughts are very deep or particularly life altering. They are simply reflection of the fact that I have never outgrown the desire to be lovely or stylish. What I have (thankfully) learned is that my acceptability and worth cannot be fulfilled by achieving either desire. I listened to some friends today talking about the struggle to feel acceptable in their own skin, after babies or age catching up with them or simply because they are overweight currently. It struck me as we all talked that being lovely is a good desire- but unless you believe you are already seen in that light be the One who will always love you perfectly, insecurities will surface. One of the good gifts of aging is the greater acceptance of myself for who God made me to be- small, curvy, girly. And style challenged. 

Totally Terrific Tuesday

Reasons in no particular order that Tuesday was good:

1. I got to go work out with my two teenage sons at 5:30 am, which means a. I have two children God has blessed me to love for 17 and 15 years respectively b. both are healthy enough to work out c. both are motivated and have goals d. they like me enough to be seen with me (at least by the 13 other people at the Y)

2. My energy lasted all day. As my friend Doris says, Thank-the-lujah!

3. During my shopping fast I'm being forced to think outside the box about my outfits. Today I pulled off a new one that was, as a bonus, totally comfy for my long day.

4. My friends are having an adoption benefit to raise money for their adoption from Colombia. This excites me. I enjoy thinking about what wonderful parents they will be. I also enjoy thinking about how adoption is a beautiful picture of the gospel. They have been waiting for two years on this process- anything that feels like it moves them forward is good.

5. My friend at work did beautifully in her surgery yesterday and the doctors caught the cancer early. (Still praying for her total recovery)

6. My husband is handling planning my birthday. I do not feel like planning my own this year, so I am delighted.

7. Gave Emma the photo of Welly the cat curled up on a suitcase (which is his very favorite thing to sleep on) that my parents developed, even adding a soft focus effect (hilarious). Emma was delighted and made immediate plans to hang the picture in her locker at school for all to see her beloved cat.

8. Gorgeous, flaming red sugar maple tree I see on my way to work. (love, love, love fall!)

9. Was reminded today that it's never too late to change your thinking or habits. The line from the Switchfoot song went rumbling through my head- "This is your life. Are you who you wanna be?" I'm so thankful that God has done so much transformation in my thinking which has led to changes in the way I feel and act. I like who I am becoming, and I feel free to admit I have so much work yet to do.

10. French Onion Chicken for dinner. Healthy, frugal and tasty= my kind of dinner!

Titus Two 4 U - Spider Webs

It's October and I'm feeling inspired by all the creepy decor popping up around town. Currently I'm staring at a web that is attached on one side to my living room lamp and the other side to my living room wall. I have no idea how long this little web has been there but to make myself feel better, I shall assume it was created overnight, and not three weeks ago. Here's the interesting thing about spiders in Tennessee- they are shockingly fast at creating their webs! One time I left my car window down over night, and I kid you not, the entire window was filled with a web in the morning when I went to get in my car. Not only are they fast- they are persistent. I had this one spider (I assume it was one- maybe it was several which would explain a lot, but ruin the example, so..... let's move on) that would create a new web every day after I would knock the old one off my mailbox. Every day. For a really long time- maybe a year. I'd go out to get the mail, brush off the web and go inside. Next day, I'd go back out to get the mail, and new web. Exact same spot. It was a battle of wills with that spider. I think I won- it's hard to be sure with spiders.

So, these industrious Tennessee spiders got me thinking about life. Here's the thing: spiders just do what they're made to do, regardless of the result. Knock down their web and they will build another one. No gripping about how hard they worked or how awful failure feels. No pouting or complaining or saying "I quit!" They just keep right on making their webs.

In my life, sometimes I have worked really, really hard trying to follow God's leading, only to feel like all my efforts were for naught. The relationship didn't get better, the checkbook is still crazy tight, the kids are still going through whatever stage of rebellion or frustration, the laundry- oh the laundry! You know what I mean. It's as if all the hard work and emotional energy and conversations and planning and praying have not quite succeeded in accomplishing the beautiful "web" my mind was set on. It's sad, and hard and it makes me want to shake my fist in the air (Scarlet O'Hara style) and say "I quit!" But what that really shows is I am most concerned with the results of my life- not the process. God however, is more about the  process. Excuse the stretch here but it's kind of like Mr. Miagi in Karate Kid. Ralph Machio is so mad about having to "wax on- wax off" and "paint the fence" he wants to quit. It all seems so pointless as his goal is to learn some tricks he can use to keep from getting beat up on a regular basis, but Mr. Miagi is teaching him everything he needs, even though he can't see it.

So, sweet friends, keep doing what God made you to do. Be the wife, mom, friend, worker, sister, daughter, aunt that God has called you to be. Mostly and mainly, be a worshipper of Him! Perseverance, the Bible says, produces character, which in turns produces hope. You don't get hopeful by giving up and throwing in the towel. You get there by continuing to do the next right thing, over and over and over, until one day your character is changed. And it is in that change that hope appears.