Titus Two 4 U - Learning to Follow

I did not grow up in an era where couples dancing involved memorizing steps and patterns. Our dances did not have names. I always thought the formal dances such as the waltz, or foxtrot, seemed more romantic than the slow-dancing we did in my high school gym, basically consisting of hugging while swaying and occasionally shuffling feet. And do not get me started on dirty dancing, which, while being a romantic and entertaining movie ("Nobody puts Baby in a corner!") was really just "messing around" set to music. No, there was a generation before me that made dancing look fun, and beautiful and seamless.

I think one inclination we lost in both dancing and life was the willingness for a woman to follow a man's lead. About two months ago I was getting really excited about a wonderful ministry in my city. It is a prison ministry for women, with the goal of helping them to transition into life outside jail in a healthy and godly way. It's basically about helping them encounter God through lots of his people reaching out and teaching and serving. Love, love, love it! And, as all good extroverted, excitable types like me do, I called the founder of the ministry to chat about how I could help connect others to them, and how I could be involved myself. The wonderful woman who began the ministry graciously took an hour and poured her heart out about her passion for what God has called her to do. It was inspirational, in a real non-cheesy way. So I left thinking about what role I was going to take, called my husband to tell him of my excitement when he promptly burst my bubble. 

"Um I don't think this is a good time for you to get involved so heavily. You have a lot on your plate and you are tired all the time. I usually support your ideas, but I just don't feel good about this." 

Total joy kill . And I was hurt and annoyed and starting down the path of self-righteousness, when God reminded me I was to follow this man's lead. It was kind of a quiet reminder- a thought that perhaps my repsonse wa not reflecting a wife with a submissive or willing spirit. More joy kill. Not only do I NOT get to be all excited about my fun new ministry opportunity, I don't even get to be mad at my husband for pouring water all over it. (I may or may not have mentioned something along those lines via text before sensing the nudge of God to simmer down and listen to my husband. Sigh- I'm working on not firing off snarky texts anymore.)

So, I will admit this was begrudging, but I decided to email the founder and let her know I'd need to wait for a time to get involved. Fast forward two months. Low and behold my entire body begins to lose a grip on health. I'm noticing fatigue getting higher, starting to run a pretty consistent fever and feeling generally bad. At the same time, Little Miss Fluff and Sparkle brings home two C's on progress report and it becomes clear she needs more attention and structure in homework time. Suddenly, the thought of another weekly committment to a brand new role doesn't look like such a good idea. In fact, it sounds totally overwhelming. I am heading to doctor appointments, work and bed until I can recover. I am cancelling fun plans, busyness and housework just to get through the week. 

Somehow, in God's wonderful plan He set things up to work in a truly good way. My husband is my protection, often and mostly it seems, from myself. I am ever so thankful God reminded me to listen. I am humbled by how my attitude was so crabby with him instead of trusting that he did, in fact, have my best interest at heart and could offer some wisdom where I was blinded by excitement. It's not a common or popular message in our world to allow yourself to be led by a man. But in marriage, God set up a way to be protected, cherished and served, which sometimes looks like my man doing the dishes for me. And sometimes it looks like him telling me to slow down, hold back or stop. I realize not every husband embraces that role and not every marriage is loving. But I also know when both people live out the roles God gave them, it's pretty amazing.

Titus Two 4 U - Use What You've Got!

"Poverty is the mother of Creativity" is a quote from my childhood bestie, Caryn Dahm (of http://www.ragtagrubies.com/  a totally awesome upcycled crafting and art business).

It's true! As I am fasting the "shopping for self" I normally engage in, I am discovering a creative side to me I have always overlooked. So this morning, as I was feeling a bit restless I pulled some items I had around the house and created a little holiday mudroom entrance and it turned out pretty cute and it cost me nothing! Win, win, win!

If you read my blog about Pinterest a few months ago (I have since repented of my non-pinteresting ways) you know I tried to create a letter for an "alphabet wall" as a baby shower gift, which did not quite work out because I could not get the yarn t cover the ends of the letter. BUT as a "homespun" addition to this wreath it was perfect! I rummaged around my garage and found this old sled and a wreath that I was never very happy with, so I stripped it and started over. Anyway, not totally finished with the whole display, but it's got my creative juices flowing.

So, aside from just decorating, this got me to thinking about the bigger principal of using what has already been provided instead of asking for more. Whether it's showing hospitality to friends or ministering to the needy or using your gifts to serve your family or reaching out to those who do not know Christ- God has provided each of us with a set of "talents" and "treasures" to use to accomplish his purposes for us. It's easier to keep looking at other's treasures and saying "If only I was a better cook, or a more skilled teacher or a more impactful writer....." as a way to deflect the responsibility of obedience. Or as a way to avoid fear of failure. Or both.

But, remember, God gave YOU talents and treasures that others don't possess. They are meant to be used. Perhaps clumsily or even inadequately, but it is not you who is really working them. God works through you. You are the steward, He is the giver. You begin but He finishes. 

Titus Two 4 U - Develop a Job Description

Nobody ever interview's you from HR before you take on the biggest job of your life. There is no explanation of benefits, call back's for second interviews or checking your references. Basically God decides you are qualified and nine months after beginning the process you are hired as "Mom".

So from then on there is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job you are responsible to complete.

That seems almost impossible. And certainly it requires utter dependence on God to give you grace and strength daily. But, I have also come to see that the mom's I have known who are the most joyful and least stressed have given themselves a more defined job description than "All related tasks to Little Johnny are the sole responsibility of this woman 24/7." It might look something like this-

Mother shall be responsible for the feeding and care of Little Johnny daily from 6am until 8pm. During alternate hours she will share on-call duties with Father. She will maintain a safe environment for him, provide emotional and spiritual development and see that his basic needs are met. This mother does not participate in school projects, costume making or exposure to loud noises- such as parades or monster truck races. Those needs will be met by father, or hired out. All hair cuts and shoe shopping shall also fall under father's responsibilities. In the event that the child becomes sick, mother will cease any other normal functions and see completely to the care of the child, and shall be expected to accomplish normal daily tasks on an "as able" basis, such as cooking dinner, doing laundry, taking a shower, etc. As the child ages, morning hours shall change to reflect the mother's need to sleep and the child's ability to help himself to a bowl of cheerios and turn on cartoons for an hour. Mother will create and maintain traditions for the child, such as Sunday morning pancakes, but all traditions are subject to revision as seen fit by the mother. Mother always shares with father: doctor visits, parent-teacher conferences, Christmas Eve construction jobs, interviewing potential team members (ie, babysitters and coaches). Mother receives one night a month and two weekends a year "off duty" paid leave. Mother always chooses a restaurant to be taken to on Mother's Day for lunch. Mother gets first pick of photo opp's upon completion of raising child at high school graduation. And in the year following release of child into adulthood, Mother shall be given the option to take a trip to Europe.

Now, I'm not saying this reflects my particular job description, but I will say I don't do parades. The bottom line is every mom is unique and has parts of the job she does really well and other parts she can't tolerate. Recognizing which parts you need to hand off to dad/grandparents or hire out frees you up to enjoy and excel in the areas you love. And deciding ahead of time it's okay to have some basic "hours" gives you the mental break needed to endure. 

Titus Two 4 U - Needs vs. Wants

I was so happy to get an extra hour of sleep this morning! Resetting my clocks after daylight savings time ends is quite thrilling. It's 7am- wait, no, it's only 6am!! I am always thinking if I could just add a 25th hour to my day it'd be "perfect". (Which I realize is like saying, essentially, God should have added an extra hour to the whole earth rotation, which I'm pretty sure fringes on heretical) Anyway, that whole inner dialogue got me thinking about how often I say "I need _________" but when I break it down, it's really not true. I want ___________. But I don't need it. Sometimes it's "stuff" I think I need. But my current "shopping fast" is proving to me it's not true. (Let me add, as a side note, this is becoming VERY challenging as we approach holidays!! I keep forgetting, truly. Then I remember. Then I have to remind myself why this seemed like a good idea.) Sometimes it's things for my kids. Sometimes it's more rest or less stress. Sometimes I think I need more fun in my life. But God was bringing to mind the verse in Proverbs 31 about the wife of noble character last night, and a thought hit me. One of the reasons her family is so taken care of is she prepares for their needs.

I think as an American mama, I sometimes get it backward. I am busy preparing for wants, then the needs get pushed to the back. My kids want fun, new stuff, food they like, time to play. They need spiritual guidance, emotionally present parents, nutritious food/basic clothing. Now these are not necessarily opposed to one another. Sometimes I can provide all of them. But, when I can't do it all, the needs should trump the wants. It's easier to see this with my kids than myself however.

I need daily time with Jesus- I want to surf facebook or blog. I need nutritious food- I want dark chocolate and diet coke. I need meaningful relationships with other women who speak truth and love me well- I want friends who like me and are impressed with my efforts. I need a husband who loves me unconditionally- I want a husband who agrees with me.  I need to get a good night's sleep- I want all the dishes out of the sink or the floor vacuumed. Again, these are not always opposed to one another. But too often I choose what I want over what I need. So as we are in the month of Thankfulness I want to take a minute to thank God for meeting my needs. And ask for His help in choosing to take that portion of provision instead of passing over it to find what I want.

Titus Two 4 U - Spider Webs

It's October and I'm feeling inspired by all the creepy decor popping up around town. Currently I'm staring at a web that is attached on one side to my living room lamp and the other side to my living room wall. I have no idea how long this little web has been there but to make myself feel better, I shall assume it was created overnight, and not three weeks ago. Here's the interesting thing about spiders in Tennessee- they are shockingly fast at creating their webs! One time I left my car window down over night, and I kid you not, the entire window was filled with a web in the morning when I went to get in my car. Not only are they fast- they are persistent. I had this one spider (I assume it was one- maybe it was several which would explain a lot, but ruin the example, so..... let's move on) that would create a new web every day after I would knock the old one off my mailbox. Every day. For a really long time- maybe a year. I'd go out to get the mail, brush off the web and go inside. Next day, I'd go back out to get the mail, and new web. Exact same spot. It was a battle of wills with that spider. I think I won- it's hard to be sure with spiders.

So, these industrious Tennessee spiders got me thinking about life. Here's the thing: spiders just do what they're made to do, regardless of the result. Knock down their web and they will build another one. No gripping about how hard they worked or how awful failure feels. No pouting or complaining or saying "I quit!" They just keep right on making their webs.

In my life, sometimes I have worked really, really hard trying to follow God's leading, only to feel like all my efforts were for naught. The relationship didn't get better, the checkbook is still crazy tight, the kids are still going through whatever stage of rebellion or frustration, the laundry- oh the laundry! You know what I mean. It's as if all the hard work and emotional energy and conversations and planning and praying have not quite succeeded in accomplishing the beautiful "web" my mind was set on. It's sad, and hard and it makes me want to shake my fist in the air (Scarlet O'Hara style) and say "I quit!" But what that really shows is I am most concerned with the results of my life- not the process. God however, is more about the  process. Excuse the stretch here but it's kind of like Mr. Miagi in Karate Kid. Ralph Machio is so mad about having to "wax on- wax off" and "paint the fence" he wants to quit. It all seems so pointless as his goal is to learn some tricks he can use to keep from getting beat up on a regular basis, but Mr. Miagi is teaching him everything he needs, even though he can't see it.

So, sweet friends, keep doing what God made you to do. Be the wife, mom, friend, worker, sister, daughter, aunt that God has called you to be. Mostly and mainly, be a worshipper of Him! Perseverance, the Bible says, produces character, which in turns produces hope. You don't get hopeful by giving up and throwing in the towel. You get there by continuing to do the next right thing, over and over and over, until one day your character is changed. And it is in that change that hope appears. 

Titus Two 4 U - Make the Most of Time

There is an old, famous poem (and I'm sure most people know who wrote it, but alas I do not) that says "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may...." I don't even know the rest of it- just that line. The significance of it hit me tonight. We came home from church and the boys went off with a friend to hang out instead of having dinner with us. "Doing their own thing" is a theme in my house right now. So it was just Emma, the husband and I around the table- and it hit me. I am at a crossroads in motherhood.

Two nights ago after a particularly tough conversation with my 15 year old I was feeling down. And to be honest, somewhat sorry for myself. It's hard work loving a teenage boy who is not in the mood to love you back, but rather to let you know just how much he thinks you should be different. Less or more of anything than who and what you are. Ouch. Then today my oldest walked in to announce how delicious his friend's mother's birthday cakes are. "Not that yours are bad, but hers are just so much better" (I'm paraphrasing but that was the jist) This is the same child who I overheard telling a friend that his birthday party is kind of a disappointment this year. Sigh.

They are pulling away. It's time and it's normal. And it hurts. I want them to grow up and become men. And I want them to always be close to me. But I have to let go of the one to allow the other. So as I'm feeling all this emotion I look up after dinner to see my nine year old twirling around the living room with her daddy, dancing and laughing. In a split second, my boys were nine and seven and we were around the table listening to music and cracking jokes at dinner every night. They were imitating daddy and vying to get our attention with jokes. I blink and they are annoyed, distant teenagers, struggling with all their might for independence and freedom. I realize with a sudden feeling of panic and a lump in my throat that hurts when I swallow that very, very soon my nine year old will be in the same place. Oh I know it's a few years off- but considering that 17 years has felt like a slow blink, that hardly comforts.

when my children were all littles....

So this is me on a sad day. Not all days with teenagers are like this. Mainly I have loved my sons journey's into these years. But today I feel the loss. How I want so badly to slow time down and let me make sure I poured enough love and faith into them. What if I didn't? What if I missed something terribly important? How I worry that our relationship will never quite be as close as those early years when they could climb up in my lap for hugs. How I wish I could know what goes on in their heads and hearts, but understand the need for them to keep some feelings and thoughts private. And the need to share some with anyone but mom.

So, I have many rosebuds I can no longer gather. And I have some left to pick. I intend to make the most of the few short years I have left with my sons at home, and continue to treasure every second I'm given with my whole family under one roof. And pray like crazy for the grace to hold them with an open palm.

Titus Two For U - Making Space to Want

Well, I told you about the book Seven that rocked my world this summer. It led me to deep thoughts about the way I see my role in this world and who God calls his children to be when He says we are "salt" and "light". I began recycling which is going great (other than the first three weeks when I forgot to put the tub out by the curb so by week three I had too much to fit in the tub and had to just throw it away. That was a fail. BUT otherwise, it's been lovely) .

So now God has been stirring another thought in me for a few months about how I fill up my wants so quickly. I'm actually quite a pro at it. I really can't remember a time I deeply wanted anything that I wasn't hatching a plan to fulfill it. The plan usually revolves around buying something, eating something or creating a plan to buy or eat something in the near future. None of these are wrong, of course. But at the same time, I hear God whispering to me, "Why won't you just wait on me to fill you up?"

So, as we head into the busiest shopping, eating out season of the year, I made a small resolution to answer God's whisper. It's a little bit exciting and a little bit daunting. I, Debi Russell, will buy nothing for myself for the next 6 months. I really thought it through and determined it was a good way to create a little space to want and let God fill. To allow Him to move in my heart in ways I can't when I feel all satisfied and stuffed and quenched. I just don't let myself be very hungry or thirsty, metaphorically. (or otherwise) When David says in Psalms "My soul thirsts for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water" I cannot relate. Not really. But I long to.

So, just to be honest, I began the resolution a month ago, meaning I have five more months to go. Here's what's included in my non-buying plan: clothing, home decorations, jewelry, books, shoes (no new fall boots, sigh), purses, lunch out alone or little gifts for others "just because" (as these are essentially for me, because I love doing that, and I can easily replace it with baking something or writing a note). Here's what I'm not including: gifts for birthdays/christmas for others, lunch with a friend, my nails (they're already part of my grocery budget so I'm going with them), a new planner in January, replacement of an item that breaks if it's my only one (like the hair dryer I bought last month).

Wish me well bloggy friends. I've taken off the shopper hat. I will absolutely keep you posted on the ups and downs over the next five months. Praying for God to give me His comfort and His joy as I say goodbye to my watered down versions of it for a bit.

Titus Two 4 U - Embrace Weird

You know what's not weird in this world? Being on a band wagon against something. Everyone has some cause or issue they are against- abortion, republicans, democrats, taxes, gluten, Lance Armstrong, Lady Gaga, GMO's, public schools, homeschooling, and on and on and on. I will be honest and say I find it exhausting and overwhelming to listen to all the internet rant on why people ought to be against whatever particular thing the ranter is against.

You know what is weird? Quietly going about being for something. I have so many highly inspiring friends who have determined to serve people. To reach out and show others the love of Christ by actually doing something about the problems they see in this broken world. My old youth pastor used to say being a person who did not: drink, smoke, have sex, curse, see the wrong movies, lie, cheat or steal made you no more spiritual than a department store mannequin. Biblical Christianity has always been defined by active obedience, not passive abstinence. Yes, there is a place and time to take a stand against sin and injustice in this world. But I find it utterly ineffective if not accompanied by a life lived for the good of others. Jesus did not just stand around telling everyone how wrong they were. He got his hands messy as he touched sick lepers and ate with drunken fishermen and sat with the town harlot. He fed hungry people, healed the hurting and cared for children.

Being a suburban wife and working mom of three has it's challenges. One of them is how to get off bandwagons and onto the business fighting for people. I have found that there are really great ways to do this in my community through several ministries where I can be hands on relationally with folks who need some love and encouragement. I'll give a shout out to GreenHouse Ministry, Doors of Hope, Branches (where I also get to work!) and The Journey Home.

I personally had to embrace weird a long time ago because I'm married to a guy who was weird enough to think he should quit a job with benefits and a salary to work instead as a church planter in India and raise his own salary. (Still no benefits unless you count the really amazing chai he brings home) I work for a non-profit where the question is occasionally are we going to buy toilet paper or light bulbs. We decided to let go of the "American dream" for a bigger one and it's often terrifying but God has overwhelmingly changed us. 

Titus Two 4 U - Eat Up

I once heard it said that trying to grow in Christ by reading only devotional books, is like trying to nourish your body by watching a cooking show. You may be entertained, you might even learn some good things about food, but ultimately, you have to actually eat something in order to be nourished.

I have, throughout my 38 years, been round and round and round with "quiet times" and read-through-the-bible-in-a-year programs and reading one verse a day and well, any other type of Bible reading system you can imagine. I've had guilt and dread and pressure at times. I've also had delight and comfort and encouragement. It finally hit me one day that I have been viewing this whole Bible reading process wrong! It's not something I "have to do" or even something I "want to do". God calls His word bread. In other places His teaching are called milk or meat. In other words, God's word is the food my spirit needs. In my physical self there are days I'm more hungry than others, but I always feed myself. I accept the fact that I need to eat in order to be healthy and strong physically. Being around other people while they eat is simply not going to help me. Hearing about another person's meal is not going to help me.

Time to dig in for myself! God's word is rich and varied and so chock full of goodness! It mainly points me back to Jesus, and that is what I need most of all. If you've ever felt like the Bible was confusing or too hard to understand, just remember- it all points to the story of God coming to rescue us from ourselves. I suggest starting to read in the book of John. Try not to approach reading the bible like a book of rules. Listen instead for the story of God's love. You really can't go wrong as long as you are taking it in! 

Titus Two 4 U- Kindness

Tonight's Titus Two 4 U is brought to you by Ibuprofen. Because let's just face it, sometimes being a woman hurts.

Sometimes it's a headache after a particularly trying discussion with your 14 year old about why, in fact, he is NOT going to do what he wants to do but will instead do what you've asked him to do and then he huffalumps around the kitchen to let you know how totally disgruntled he is with your parenting until he finally goes to bed. (insert me rolling my eyes behind his back)

Sometimes it's a heartache when you and your spouse aren't seeing eye to eye and cross words are exchanged and the tension creates distance. Which, in the heart of this woman, feels like love has sailed across the ocean, taking your ordinarily handsome and wonderful husband with it. And even though you know it isn't true, it still feels sad until one of you says I'm sorry and the making up can begin.

Sometimes it's the aches and pains of working hard to clean a house that will only be dirty again momentarily. But hey, aching back- at least my bathtubs are clean for now!

But, for tonight, as real as these are, I want to encourage you to remember these are first world problems. There are other problems that women face, here in the US or around the world, that make my hurts look really small. There are mother's grieving because they haven't had any food to feed their hungry children in days and days. There are women sold into the slavery of sex traffic, and every day their bodies are used for someone else's purposes. There are women in homeless shelter's because they had no where to go to get away from their abusive husband's with no means to make a living and no tangible idea of how to start over.

One of the principals presented in Titus 2:4-5 is kindness. It is taking action upon the feeling of compassion. It is recognizing hurt and need in others and responding to it. We were sitting at the kitchen table tonight after church, and the above mentioned 14 year old asked why are we seeing so many shooting rampages, after hearing about the shooting at the Empire State Building. So we started talking about how as a society, people have no one to comfort them when they go through pain and they get alone and isolated and that pain can turn to hatred. Or how people get wounded by parents or friends and with no one to guide them toward healing, they naturally turn that destruction toward others over time. And of course, there is mental illness, addiction and selfishness that can play roles as well. At one point he just looked at us and said, "Well why don't we help them before it gets to that?" Indeed.

Kindness is like ointment to emotional pain. It soothes and begins the healing. I recognize it's hard to know where to start, but here are the places God is laying on my heart: with my husband and children; with my kids friends; with my immediate neighbors and community group and any time I hear of a person struggling and alone I am going to attempt some action of kindness as my response, instead of my usual "I'll be praying for them". This week alone I heard of two different single mother's in difficult situations and have determined a tangible way to show them kindness that will hopefully point them toward the God who loved them enough to send His son for them. To remind them they are not alone and that God sees them, so He's sending me as a messenger of that fact. With chicken casserolle, because after all, this is the South and kindness and cassrolle's are intrinsically linked.

Titus Two 4 U - Picky Eater Solution

(Note: this is the best picky eater solution I have ever heard of anywhere. It was inspired I believe directly from the Holy Spirit after a particularly awful dinner and some subsequent prayer.)

All families have one or more children that seem to be reluctant to try new foods, complain about mushrooms in the casserole or refuse to eat peas. But some families have a child whose fear of finding an unpleasant food in their mouth goes to a level that seems to only be real in a sitcom. We were that kind of family.

In part I blame myself because when I was a single mom, we ate out a lot. The boys were little and could share one kids meal between them, and I was tired from working so eating at fast food restaurants was a regular part of our life. But whatever the reason, by the time my middle son was seven, he was without question the most dramatic picky eater I've ever seen. Dinner time would look something like this:

Me: Okay guys, dinner's ready! Come sit down.

Middle (with look of suspicion): what's for dinner?

Me: It's something you've had before. There's nothing weird in it. You'll like it. It's called Poppy Seed Chicken.

Middle: I don't like poppy seeds.

Me: You can't taste poppy seeds.

Middle: It looks weird. What's in the sauce?

Me: It's just sour cream and soups mixed together. Now quit asking so many questions. It's a very normal chicken casserole and you'll like it.

Cut to 30 minutes later, after pushing casserole around his plate and not eating.

Dad: Now that's it. Take a bite of this dinner your mom made. We're not asking you to eat anything weird or bad- it's food. The rest of us ate it. Do it now!

Middle: (with tears) I'm trying dad. (more pushing food around plate) I ate some of my salad.

Me: Just take one bite. You can wash it down with your drink if you don't like it.

After finally putting the smallest amount possible you could still technically call a bite into his mouth, he begins gagging. Then proceeds to throw up onto his dinner plate. We are angry. He is in tears. Lovely family dinner, done.

That is how dinner played out for about six months at the height of his extreme pickyness. So one night I was praying about what to do with this child. I hated how dinner time had become such a dramatic power struggle and yet, I did not feel good about just letting him continue to only eat three foods and cater to that. I had other children and how could I tell them it was okay for their brother to only eat what he wanted, but not for them? Not to mention I was legitimately worried about him becoming nutritionally deficit. And irrational. And spoiled. Then it hit me- straight from the Holy Spirit, because I am not this clever- a way to end the struggle, but maintain parental authority:

"Non-Eater Status"

Here's how it works: the child placed on non-eater status does not have to eat anything they don't want to. No more guilt, pressure or threats of punishment. However, since there is no guarantee they will be getting adequate variety and nutrition, they cannot eat a single bit of "junk" food. No candy, ice cream, gum, pizza, chips, fast food. And if a child is placed on non-eater status it's for a minimum of three months. So for three months the battle is over. The picky eater has relief that they don't have to put yucky foods in their mouth. But they also have no options for junk. Eat what you want of the healthy food offered, or be hungry. Now I will tell you, I was really rigid with the junk part. The goal was not to figure out how to find a comfortable way for my child to maintain his pickyness. The goal was to get him to realize "on his own" that being picky wasn't worth missing cake at a birthday party and to decide he was brave enough to try some foods.

At first, he just skipped meals a lot. He was so relieved to not be "forced" to eat, he opted not to. And we didn't battle him on it at all. He usually like our breakfast options and would at least eat a sandwich at lunch, so I knew he was not going to starve to death. But after the first week, he began eating some dinner. Not the dreaded casserole's, of course, but he'd eat some salad or his peas. Eventually, it began working. He missed out on cupcakes at a class party, chips and salsa when we went out for Mexican, sodas during movie night. After two months, we were approaching September and I began to fret a little about Halloween. If he didn't come off non-eater status at the end of three months- would I be able to stick to my word and make him skip trick-or-treating? No Halloween candy at all? So I began to drop some little comments like, "you know, after this month you get to pick to be an eater again. I sure hope you feel ready, because I'd hate for you to miss out on your brother's birthday treats and Halloween." It worked. At the end of September, he decided he was ready to eat again. The rules were:  no drama at meals times. You eat some of everything on your plate. You did  not cry or gag or complain. If these rules were not followed, parents would place you back on non-eater status for another three months.

Well I am happy to report that we all survived this period in my middle son's life. He is now a mostly normal eater- he has occasional panic about mayonnaise and has consistently refused eggs his whole life. But otherwise he will eat a wide variety and has generally conquered the fears associated with food. We laugh about the whole non-eater status now, but at the time, it rescued meal time and eliminated a ton of stress for all of us.

Titus 2 Four U - Limit Critique

In most women that I know, and in myself, there seems to be a common theme of "relational improvement". Our radars are highly tuned in to any area we can help improve for our husbands or children. We notice if they'd just: call their mom more often, ask their boss how his weekend was, quit interrupting others, sit up straighter, go in to work 30 minutes earlier, stop telling such long stories, spend a little more time with the kids one-on-one, read their bible more, eat better- THEN their lives would be so much better! So we set off on an improvement campaign to help make them the person we believe God wants them to be.

Have you ever read the book of Proverbs? I highly recommend women read this book, because it is full of practical wisdom and principals on how to live. But one thing it is also full of is cautionary descriptions of unpleasant wives. (Perhaps if Solomon had not had so many wives this would have been better... but I digress) Wives are compared to a dripping faucet, called contentious and it's said it would be better to be on the corner of a roof then live in the house with one of these "nagging" women. Now to be fair, Solomon also says finding a wife is a good thing, and then describes in chapter 31, that famous description of a wife with noble character. But on the whole, you get the feeling Solomon had endured (and watched his buddies endure), a whole lotta' nag!

"But, we're not nagging- we're helping!" A few years ago the thought occurred to me that "help" is only such if it is perceived as helpful by the recipient. In other words, would your husband and children say they feel helped or criticized? If the person I'm trying to help walks away feeling defeated, unliked or discouraged- did I accomplish my goal? And are they even likely to take my unsolicited opinion? I will freely admit, I fail often in this area. In fact, I have recently come to the conclusion that this is an area I need to focus more attention on. I had an honest discussion with my husband, that left me with the realization that more often than not, he feels criticized by my attempts to "better him".

So what's a woman to do? I'll tell you what the Lord has laid on my heart in this area, and you take what feel might be helpful for you:

1. When I notice something I want to suggest or feel concerned about: pray about it for two weeks. No bringing it up until I have fully prayed it through. Sometimes God shows me that my motives for concern are purely selfish. Sometimes the "problem" resolves itself. And then occasionally I still feel the need to discuss a concern.

2. Limit, absolutely, critique to one item per week. Once you've reached your limit, go back to #1.

3. Focus energy on praise. Studies say for every one negative, we need ten positives to balance it out. I find that whatever I focus on, expands. When I retrain my mind to be more tuned in to the good, positive, successful traits and qualities in my loved ones, the areas of concern get smaller naturally. Phillipians 4:8 tells us to think on the positive, and this applies to our view of others as well.

4. Focus heart on Christ. All throughout scripture, we are told to set our hearts on Christ. To remember Him in our day to day life. How does this help with not being a nagging wife/mom? Well, when I focus on Christ I am reminded of His great love and grace for ME! I am full of faults and flaws and sin and weakness, but Jesus doesn't constantly nit-pick me. In fact, He says His grace is sufficient for me and when I am weak, then I am strong. As I experience His grace to me, it overflows to my family. It's not saying they don't have areas they need to improve. It's realizing it's not my job to show them or condemn them for where they are currently. 

Titus 2 Four U- Rise Early

When you give birth to your first baby, you come home from the hospital on a whole new schedule: sleeping and feeding are what a typical day revolves around and if you manage to shower it's a bonus. For about six to eight weeks depending on your little bundle of joy, this becomes normal life. You don't need an alarm clock because the baby sets your wake up time. This works well with baby number one. As more children make their appearance, or as baby one grows, in order to function well as mama, there comes a time when the alarm clock needs to re-emerge. This lesson took me a long time to learn. I used my boys as alarm clocks forever, because they were such early risers. The main problem with this method is we were both waking up at the same time, but they responded to the arrival of morning with enthusiasm and energy. Mom responded with a groan. (Have I mentioned I am decidedly not a morning person?)

One day, and I think my kids were 9, 7 and 2 at this point, I was reading Proverbs 31 in part admiration, part irritation (yeah, but she had servants!) when it hit me that this woman was up before the rest of her family. "She rises while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls." (Proverbs 31:15) She was up and preparing for her family, which in those times revolved a lot around food. (I live in the South, and that still holds true to a large degree!) I decided that I would try as an experiment setting my alarm for 15 minutes before my earliest riser, Emma, awoke on a normal day. So, alarm set for 6 am and I began to groan my way out of bed to the coffee pot and begin my day as the earliest riser. At first it was hard, because I was just so accustomed to hitting snooze and sleeping in till I had to get up. But after a week or so, I began to see the pay off. You can accomplish so much more in 15 minutes without children around than you can in 45 minutes with them! And in reality that 15 minutes of sleep wasn't really giving me that much more rest.

Here's what I discovered could be accomplished in 15 minutes of peace and quiet: fully awake mama to greet waking children, coffee already made and one cup consumed, five minutes praying for my day, aware of what the day has in store because of checking my day planner including prep for dinner, one load of laundry started and lunches packed for school. As they got older and I began working more, I exchanged "lunches packed" for "dishwasher unloaded" and added Jesus Calling in with my prayer time. The double bonus was with all that done, I could actually visit with my kids while they ate breakfast instead of scurrying around trying to multi-task. What could you do in 15 minutes of quiet that would make your day run smoother?

As I have been in this system for several years now, I'll tell you I do not rise early on weekends if I can help it because I do really love sleeping in. So on Saturdays currently I sleep till I'm ready to get up, unless we have a commitment. This helps me care for myself and catch up on sleep I may have missed during the week. Obviously, this is a system you need to wait to use until babies are a bit older and sleeping through the night mainly. For my family, the blessing of mom rising earlier than the rest to begin our day has been huge. I would love to hear what you accomplish in your 15 minutes and what blessings you notice for yourself or kids by trying this idea!

Something New For You from Millinery

Next week begins the flurry of back-to-schoolness in our home. In our area, there are both city and county schools, which results in two different school calendars. Additionally I have two high schoolers in different schools, and an elementarian so we've got three different room meetings/orientations/sets of paperwork. (I'm not bitter but I did count papers last year and there were 51 separate sheets needing to be signed....ok, I'm a little bitter.) So, this year I have done a better job of prepping ahead of time for the upcoming year and I am actually excited to get everyone back in school and settled into a routine again.  As I have mentioned before, I am a "hamster on a wheel" kind of gal, so I thrive in structure. My husband is more "out of the box" than most, so in the summer I relax a lot to let us all breathe and chill.

As I have been praying this week for our city and our country in general, I have been thinking a lot about the verses that instruct the "older women to train the younger women...." (Titus 2:4) and how blessed I have been in my life to have had generous, kind, wise women to teach me and encourage me when I was a new mom and a young wife. I still love learning from my two mom's who I have recently had some good discussions with about teenagers. But as I listen to women in my office or just friends at church, one sad reality I see over and over, is many young mom's and wives do not have older women to guide them or mentor them. Many women my age don't have it either for that matter. I think in part that is why I began this blog- as a way to share so much of the wisdom and sound practical advice I have been given with others. So, as I have been praying, I see a few areas where women tend to struggle in managing their homes or loving their husbands/children and I am going to do a new weekly feature called Titus 2 Four U, on Sundays. I am excited to use that day to share ideas, scripture and insight I have gained over 16 years of mothering, 17 years of wifery and 5 years of counseling. Be prepared to hear my mistakes because that is mainly how we gain wisdom! And as always, feel free to let me know topics you'd like to hear about in this area.