Embracing Age

In my younger and sillier years, I wanted to be older so I would have credibility. I felt called to help others, especially women, but didn't think anyone would feel I had anything to say. I was only in my 20's, looked like a teenager, but was a young mom in a dysfunctional marriage and truth be told, I really didn't know what I didn't know. As I aged some and finally learned through life experiences that age doesn't equal wisdom, I quit worrying quite so much about looking credible and began wondering if I was credible. Did I even have anything to offer others? My picture perfect life had fallen apart. I was a divorced, single mom of two boys. How could I help anyone else, anyway?

I realized it wasn't what I had to offer others that mattered, eventually. It was God who qualified me to begin ministering to women, and it all happened quite naturally. One woman at a time, God began to use His work in my life to help others understand His purpose and love for them. I have found that one of the hardest parts of working with women is helping them deal with the tendency to earn love and approval. I know that struggle well, and God has had lots of work to do, removing idols from my heart. I have found also, that the more I share my weakness, lack of faith, sin and struggles- the more credible I become. Mainly because in exposing the real me, God clearly gets the glory for who I am today. It's been the most freeing part of my spiritual journey- letting go of the image I wanted to project and just being myself. Accepted by God, I no longer have to freak out if I suspect someone else doesn't quite approve. I know I am loved because of who God is, not who I am (or am not) and the older I get the more I am confident in that love. So much so, that lately I do not mind so much the visible signs of age that are appearing. Wrinkles around my eyes, obstinate gray hairs to be colored, gravity taking hold. No doubt about it- I do not look like that 20 year old girl anymore, but I am okay with it.

39 and loving it! Trust me girls, it just keeps getting better!

Grace, Mercy and Apple

Two nights ago I received grace and mercy, quite unexpectedly in the form of a brand new Ipad.

Two days ago I was having one of those irrational, hormonal, "don't mess with me pork chop" kind of days. For no good reason, mind you. Nothing bad happening, no drama- just a moody and unbalanced kind of day. Fortunately for the children they were all in school. Not so fortunately for my husband, he was not. Working from home has many challenges for him, not the least of which is his wife interrupting his concentration by asking questions that come to mind or trying to talk him into taking me on a lunch date (although to be fair he is pretty easy to convince on that one). At any rate, on this particular day I was not in the mood to have him home. I wanted the house all to myself because I'm almost never there without someone else. Plus, and this will make no sense to men, I can't clean in peace knowing he's there. But, here's the kicker, I wasn't even planning on cleaning. I just wanted the option to know if I decided to clean in peace, he was not going to be there to annoy my inner zen. (I already admitted to being irrational- just giving you an accurate picture of my self absorption in the moment) So, I began a not-so-subtle campaign to create motivation in him to leave. I wasn't exactly picketing his presence, but close. I whined about how I'm never alone in the house. I reminded him he had some good errands he needed to run. I even became tearful at one point about how I can't get on the computer because he's always working on it. It wasn't pretty and i even knew it was ridiculous, but felt incapable of reeling it in. Finally, as any sane person would do, he got the heck out of there.

About 4 hours later I got a text. "I have a fun surprise for you." Curious, I thought, but fun none the less.

When I came home from picking up the kids from school, waiting on the kitchen counter was a big, red Valentine's bag with heart tissue sticking out of it and a card resting next to it. My husband came out of the bedroom with that look of someone who knew he was about to totally delight me. And he was right. I opened the card, which was super sweet, and then pulled out a brand new Ipad and attachable keyboard. I was completely shocked. For one thing, I have never owned a piece of new technology. I always get hand-me-downs because I'm cheap like that. (Remember, I used a duct taped washing machine for a year) But also, we do not exchange gifts for Valentine's Day normally. And certainly not one so extravagant. As he was telling me all about how he spent several hours comparing devices and talking to the sales guys about which option would fit my needs best, I was thinking, "I am a big fat jerk. I cannot believe he went out and bought me an Ipad in response to my bratty attitude this morning." But, you know, that's how God designed marriage to work. When I am being unlovable, my husband is supposed to mirror God's love for me. And when he is having his "jerky" moments, I am to reflect God's love to him.

Grace is getting what you don't deserve. Mercy is not getting what you do deserve. I deserved my husband to be annoyed or angry with me. Perhaps to withhold his love until I at least apologized. But I got none of that. I did not deserve an overflow of extravagant love, but I got it anyway. In Christ, I receive both grace and mercy every day. I deserve punishment for my rejection of God in my self service. I don't deserve an extravagant inheritance and blessing upon blessing. But Jesus took my punishment, so I could receive His reward. Grace and Mercy.

Lessons from the Six Month Fast

It's official. (drum roll, please) The end of Shopping Fast and Purge-the-House is upon me. On the one hand I'd like to run out and buy some of the boots I've been longing for. On the other hand it feels a little strange. After abstaining from commercialism personally for 6 months, I'm not overly eager to get back into it.

I have been thinking a lot about the point of some of my recent ventures. Wondering and questioning myself as to why I am even doing things like "purging seven items a day". What is the point? Emma asked me the very question as we were setting items on the dining room table to photograph for tonight's blog. I told her about how I wanted to help our family be free from materialism- loving things more than God or people. Then it hit me- my stuff is not my problem, my heart is. If I love my things more than God or his mission, it's not because of the things themselves. In fact, you can be consumed with greed while living in poverty, or abundantly generous while living in plenty. I don't need to purge items from my home, but idolatry from my heart, if I want to be free from materialism.

So was my experiment an unnecessary exercise? Foolish? I don't think so. Because attachment to things is an outward symptom of an inner problem- so I suppose in some ways this experiment was exposing places in my heart that need exposing. The places I can usually overlook and rationalize. Every time I said no to my usual course of spending and accumulating stuff, I had to deal with the desires I was starving. There is no denying that my shopping or "treating myself" (as I like to call it) often flows out of frustration, exhaustion or insecurity. And while buying a new pair of boots will make me feel better momentarily, it's not meant to be my primary source of comfort or encouragement. And far too often, it is. In fact, without shopping or getting little treats like a Sonic diet coke, I noticed I actually felt sorry for myself sometimes. As if it was a terrible thing to have a stressful day with no way to alleviate that stress. (Really?? I have the King of the Universe I can talk to any time, who has rescued me from all of my sin and death and I think I need something from Altar'd State to make me feel better?)

I'll be the first to tell you I did not hold perfectly to my fast or purge. But since perfect is not my goal, and utterly impossible anyway, I am not concerned about that. I set out to see if by removing some of my normal life I could create a space for wanting more of Christ. And that was absolutely a success. Not in some noble, clouds parting and sunbeams shining on me kind of way. More in a cranky, annoyed, humbling realization that I am weak and tend to seek comfort and security in so many things besides God, and yet He loves me all the same. And from that awareness I am gratefully driven back to Him.

some of the 217 items we are selling from this month

proud of my whole family for joining the purge!

Some Thoughts on Being Healthy

It's like I blinked and missed January. Have you ever had that experience? You're just plugging along in your little life and suddenly it feels like you entered a time warp and lost days or weeks with no real awareness of how. So hi. Glad to be back into normal time and my bloggy adventure.

In honor of the annual "Get Back to the Gym, Eat Healthy, Lose Weight" month (otherwise known as January) that begins our year in American culture, I have been thinking about the pressure to deal with our health as women. On the one hand, God is very clear that our lives are a gift and we are to reflect gratitude and exercise good stewardship for these ever-aging bodies while we can.  On the other hand, exactly what does that mean? Can I still eat a cheeseburger sometimes? Do I have to cut out all high fructose corn syrup, non-organic veggies, Blue Dye 40 and aspartame? And what about exercise? And how do I decide which voice to listen to in making these decisions??? (I vote Pinterest because there are constant reports of how simple it is to be healthier and most of it seems to involve crock pots, 10 minute workouts before you shower and detox water's full of yummy. Plus in all the pictures the girls abs are ROCKIN!)

So, at the risk of stepping on toes, I'd like to offer a few ideas for how to approach the concept of being healthier. Not necessarily which step for you to take, but how to evaluate taking them. And what that might look like in the realistic life of a mom/wife/worker/student.

Idea One: we can only deal with one change at a time. It's just the way most people grow and learn. We tend to make lasting changes if we pick one thing and allow ourselves to adapt to it, rather then completely overhauling everything at once. So, if you think you need to eat more vegetables, drink more water, cut out fast food and exercise 3 times a week- as slow as it feels, just pick one to begin with. Let your life and schedule and brain adapt to it. Let it become "normal" before you move on.

Idea Two: quit making it a moral issue. This is where I could risk stepping on toes, but I'm going there anyway. Unless it is a command of God's, we have personal choice to evaluate and decide what we believe works best for our life. God never says "thou shalt avoid GMO's" or "thou shalt exercise daily". Do you know where legalism comes from? It comes from taking a principal of God (like modesty, generosity, stewardship) and creating rules about how to live out that principal. I can't tell you how you should best steward your health any more than you can tell me about mine. I know you need to consider that question, as do I. But I may come to a different conclusion than you, or mainstream media or my doctor or my natural health inclined friend.

Idea Three: start with either- your most troubling area OR the one that sounds the easiest. This speaks to motivation. Depending on personality, you may be motivated more by attacking the area of your health that causes the most stress. (In my life this was my lack of energy for several years. I needed to have this problem resolved so I was willing to hit the gym at 5:15am for months to get into an exercise groove.) On the flip side, you may be more motivated by attacking the thing that feels easiest to start with. Sort of the dip-your-big-toe-in-the-pool approach. So maybe you think, I need to exercise, drink water and quit consuming large amounts of bacon. Pick the one that sounds the least difficult. (Water obviously. Bacon is delicious and exercise is hard.) Once you have some success and your water intake is up, you can move on to cutting back on pig.

Idea Four: use common sense. The internet is full, I mean FULL, of information. Some of it good, some of it nonsense. Be cautious and be aware. Listen to those whom you respect and who are generally very healthy people. Some things just make good sense- eat real food with as little chemicals as possible, over all. Move your body regularly. Sleep every night. Drink a lot of water. Get variety in your diet. Practice gratitude by thanking God for your body and how it allows you to serve Him, your family and others. Allow times for both feasting and fasting in your life, as both have value. (I feast from Thanksgiving till New Years! Then I fast, till my pants fit properly.)

Hope your 2013 is off to a bang!

Purge the House Update #2

Here are the original 56 items for my first 8 days!

So we got a family computer for Christmas from my super tech-savvy computer-smart brother-in-law Kyle and miracle of all miracle's- I can locate all the pictures I upload! (delight!) So this photo is a bit delayed but I am on track with my house purge. In fact my next post about it will probably include a picture of two weeks worth of items.  To be honest, the thing I am finding the most surprising is I am not struggling to get rid of things at an alarming rate. Now, to be fair, I have never been accused of being a pack rat. I've always followed the "if you haven't used it in a year- toss it" principal anyway. Still I thought at some point this would begin to feel tough or sacrificial, and it's strange to write, but it hasn't yet.

To me the most obvious point from that truth is- I don't need all this stuff. It's not even bothering me to get rid of it, for crying out loud! I've grown up in American suburban culture and it teaches you to stockpile stuff. Directly, indirectly and sneakily. One of my friends just posted a quote that stated:

Every advertisement you have ever watched is designed to nurture your discontentment.

Yep. And paradoxically we become more discontent the more we posses, not less. The more stuff I have, the more stuff has me. I'm not advocating sell-all-your-belongings-and-join-a-commune. Well, not exactly. It's more of a strip-away-the-needless-things-that-keep-us-from-knowing-we-need-the-Lord + be-willing-to-give-away-anything-that-someone-else-needs-when-you-don't. It's a combo of Hebrews 12 and Acts 2.  

Don't forget, if you live in my area and want to join the simplify plan too- I'll be happy to sell your items to fund my son's Nicaragua mission trip this May!             

Purge the House Update

Here it is in a nutshell- so far I have decided on 56 items from my home to clear out into our Nicaragua yard sale and it hasn't even been difficult yet. Really. 

I am shocked to be honest, and humbled. What I call normal, most people around the world call excess.  There are so many people who don't even own 56 items and I can part with that many without even feeling it. So, I press on with the purge. I want to live this life unfettered to possessions. I long to have space to allow God to fill with Himself. I desire a single focused life and I am a long way from it. But this is a step in the right direction for me. 56 down, 161 to go. 

Oh, and sorry there is no picture to post with this- I uploaded one of all the stuff on my table, (so you'd know that I'm being honest!) and then my computer has misplaced it into some unknown region of itself. Computers are so weird......

New Year Challenge

I love the first day of January because it is a clean slate. A brand new year lays out in front, ready to be lived and loved and experienced. It makes me want to clean my house so that everything is crisp and ready for a fresh start. Today however I am not bustling about cleaning because I have decided to enjoy  my last day off work for the holidays. So instead I've been mentally considering what areas need a good purging and reorganizing. I found a cool pin on pinterest about "21 days of organizing" that I think I will try. (look out medicine cabinets- I'll deal with you in an hour) 

All the thoughts of organizing and cleaning gave me an idea. It's not even my idea- it's an exercise from Seven that coincides nicely with my current urge to purge. As I considered trying this idea, it occurred to me maybe some of you would like to try it with me- a group adventure of sorts. Here's the plan: for the month of January we all commit to purge items from our home on a daily basis. In Seven, Jen Hatmaker eliminated seven items daily for one month. I am taking that challenge. So for the math challenged, such as myself, that is 217 items by January 31. But perhaps you are already fairly minimalist, and you could commit to three items a day. It really doesn't matter how many items- just that you challenge yourself to reduce excess stuff. No area of your home is off limits- garage, attic, drawers, under beds, closets, cabinets- and if I'm going to get rid of 217 items I will need to go through each of them!

So, what will you do with all those items? Glad you asked! You can obviously throw some things away or recycle, as well as donate to Goodwill or others ministries in your town. OR if you live in middle TN you could donate them to me. Because in early spring I will have a giant yard sale to raise money for Kyler's mission trip to Nicaragua in late May.

I will be posting a picture weekly to show you the 49 items collected that week. I'd love, love to hear from any of you that are taking the challenge with me. Leave me a comment telling me you're in and what your daily purge goal will be. Let's start our January's with a tangible commitment to reduce the waste in our lives and the "stuff" that traps us in materialism and commercialism.

This is my pantry which looks pretty organized, but I've already found three items to purge!

The darkness is fading

Winter solstice passed yesterday, so the darkest night of the year will be giving way to ever so slowly longer days. I love Winter Solstice because my husband proposed to me on that very day years ago, so it's a nostalgic reminder of God's gift in sending me him.

But I've been thinking about how dark our world has been of late, and I wanted to take a minute to remind you, Jesus acknowledged this very fact. He knew what a dark world He left glory to enter. And He chose to come to bring His light to lead us back to our Creator. But He didn't leave us in the darkness alone- He left His light in us, who are His children. He told us in fact, to "let our light shine before men" so that they too could find their way back to their Creator. It's tempting when we face the blackness to huddle together and keep our light to ourselves.

But if we claim to follow Jesus, we must go where He went. He left the brightest best place, to come into our brokenness. He leaves us no option for retreat. This is a battle and if you call yourself a christian, you've enlisted in the ranks. We must bring our light out front and center- not to battle against people but for them. We are against hatred, hopelessness, poverty, injustice, ignorance, selfishness, greed, idolatry and apathy. We are for broken, messy, sinful, sad, confused people- people who were and very much are like us. We've simply been bought out of the prison we put ourselves in and it's our job to bring the news to others. The same news the angels burst into the darkness to bring so many Christmas's ago:

"Do not be afraid! We bring you good news of great joy! Unto us this day a Savior has been born- He is Christ the Lord!"

In the thick of it....

Help! I am in withdrawls. There is shopping mania abounding via internet and TV commercials and mailers and facebook posts. It's all I can see. I cannot imagine at this moment why I ever decided to go on a six month shopping fast. Why didn't I even consider how cheaply I could get a cute new holiday dress? Or how much I love to go through the drive through of Starbucks while out shopping for gifts? Why didn't any of you intervene?? I am 2 1/2 months into this idea and I'll tell you right now, it stinks.

I suppose, it's possible that in the deprivation I feel, God may be speaking. Whispering something to me about how "stuff" doesn't really satisfy- as evidenced by all the stuff around me I acquired prior to this moment. How I could sometimes, occasionally use shopping as a diversion to dealing with feelings or issues. I mean, I guess that could be part of what God is trying to tell me. But right now with all the Target jingles ringing in my ears it's hard to tell.

A new thought for me on thanks

Read a quote today I liked in keeping with the facebook "Thankful November" theme so many of my friends are participating in:

"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." -G.K. Chesterton

Today has not started off as my favorite. It was incredibly cold so I waited to go work out till after I took Emma to school, which has thrown off my usual morning-before-long-work-day routine. My sweet middle son is still home sick with strep throat and that means I will leave him here with a TV tray stocked with meds and drinks, but still, fending for himself for the afternoon. I am feeling a tiny, little bit run down myself, but am refusing to give that much thought as we are heading to Thanksgiving and I cannot even entertain the notion of missing out on the fun and spending my 5 days off work in bed. (shudder)

So when I came across this quote it stopped me in my tracks for a second. I'm not feeling overly thankful or grateful today, yet this way of looking at "thanks" as a form of thought was uplifting- thanks is more than a specific thought- it is a way of thinking. And when I consider gratitude as happiness doubled by wonder it resonates. It is full of wonder indeed, that God loves me. That in fact, though I am not deserving, He sent His Son Jesus, to die in my place and give me credit for His perfect life. All to reconcile me back to God. There has never been more wonderful news. When I frame my thoughts through that wonderful news- well, my happiness and thankfulness seem to inflate. To rise up in me and expose many more blessings my heart might tend to miss when I simply try to find something in the current moment to give thanks for. 

Update on Voluntary Wanting

Update: it's harder to want things than I guessed. So far this week I've had to remind myself five times that I'm not buying new things for myself. There was the sale at the Garden Patch Thrift Store (Go Greenhouse!) for 50% off women's clothing; then there was the whole conversation with myself about needing another belt; then I got the email from Funtiques full of lovely household items......

I have decided to buy two mums and two pumpkins for my front steps however. This falls under "seasonal decor for the enjoyment of the whole family" and yes, that's a category I just created when I realized I needed pumpkins now and a Christmas tree in a few months.

So far the response to my "shopping fast" has been a range of "oh, that's cool" to "wait, this isn't going to punish us is it?" (from my soon-to-be 15 year old.) My response has been disappointment, attempts to rationalize and also, peace. My one thought from this week as I debated about a belt with myself was, this would be a normal way to live in most parts of the world. So I'm letting that one marinate awhile.

Off to work and then an afternoon with my girl enjoying a shopping free activity of exploring an historic village in our town. Happy October!

Titus Two For U - Making Space to Want

Well, I told you about the book Seven that rocked my world this summer. It led me to deep thoughts about the way I see my role in this world and who God calls his children to be when He says we are "salt" and "light". I began recycling which is going great (other than the first three weeks when I forgot to put the tub out by the curb so by week three I had too much to fit in the tub and had to just throw it away. That was a fail. BUT otherwise, it's been lovely) .

So now God has been stirring another thought in me for a few months about how I fill up my wants so quickly. I'm actually quite a pro at it. I really can't remember a time I deeply wanted anything that I wasn't hatching a plan to fulfill it. The plan usually revolves around buying something, eating something or creating a plan to buy or eat something in the near future. None of these are wrong, of course. But at the same time, I hear God whispering to me, "Why won't you just wait on me to fill you up?"

So, as we head into the busiest shopping, eating out season of the year, I made a small resolution to answer God's whisper. It's a little bit exciting and a little bit daunting. I, Debi Russell, will buy nothing for myself for the next 6 months. I really thought it through and determined it was a good way to create a little space to want and let God fill. To allow Him to move in my heart in ways I can't when I feel all satisfied and stuffed and quenched. I just don't let myself be very hungry or thirsty, metaphorically. (or otherwise) When David says in Psalms "My soul thirsts for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water" I cannot relate. Not really. But I long to.

So, just to be honest, I began the resolution a month ago, meaning I have five more months to go. Here's what's included in my non-buying plan: clothing, home decorations, jewelry, books, shoes (no new fall boots, sigh), purses, lunch out alone or little gifts for others "just because" (as these are essentially for me, because I love doing that, and I can easily replace it with baking something or writing a note). Here's what I'm not including: gifts for birthdays/christmas for others, lunch with a friend, my nails (they're already part of my grocery budget so I'm going with them), a new planner in January, replacement of an item that breaks if it's my only one (like the hair dryer I bought last month).

Wish me well bloggy friends. I've taken off the shopper hat. I will absolutely keep you posted on the ups and downs over the next five months. Praying for God to give me His comfort and His joy as I say goodbye to my watered down versions of it for a bit.

Titus Two 4 U - Embrace Weird

You know what's not weird in this world? Being on a band wagon against something. Everyone has some cause or issue they are against- abortion, republicans, democrats, taxes, gluten, Lance Armstrong, Lady Gaga, GMO's, public schools, homeschooling, and on and on and on. I will be honest and say I find it exhausting and overwhelming to listen to all the internet rant on why people ought to be against whatever particular thing the ranter is against.

You know what is weird? Quietly going about being for something. I have so many highly inspiring friends who have determined to serve people. To reach out and show others the love of Christ by actually doing something about the problems they see in this broken world. My old youth pastor used to say being a person who did not: drink, smoke, have sex, curse, see the wrong movies, lie, cheat or steal made you no more spiritual than a department store mannequin. Biblical Christianity has always been defined by active obedience, not passive abstinence. Yes, there is a place and time to take a stand against sin and injustice in this world. But I find it utterly ineffective if not accompanied by a life lived for the good of others. Jesus did not just stand around telling everyone how wrong they were. He got his hands messy as he touched sick lepers and ate with drunken fishermen and sat with the town harlot. He fed hungry people, healed the hurting and cared for children.

Being a suburban wife and working mom of three has it's challenges. One of them is how to get off bandwagons and onto the business fighting for people. I have found that there are really great ways to do this in my community through several ministries where I can be hands on relationally with folks who need some love and encouragement. I'll give a shout out to GreenHouse Ministry, Doors of Hope, Branches (where I also get to work!) and The Journey Home.

I personally had to embrace weird a long time ago because I'm married to a guy who was weird enough to think he should quit a job with benefits and a salary to work instead as a church planter in India and raise his own salary. (Still no benefits unless you count the really amazing chai he brings home) I work for a non-profit where the question is occasionally are we going to buy toilet paper or light bulbs. We decided to let go of the "American dream" for a bigger one and it's often terrifying but God has overwhelmingly changed us. 

Neighbors

It's a weird world we live in. I live in a cul-de-sac where there are only 4 houses. You would think I would know my neighbors really well as a result, but sadly we barely speak to one another. There are tons of logistical reasons for this- one guy parks in his garage and I only catch glimpses of briefly as he does his yard work early on Saturday's. One family seems to be coming and going a lot but head's are down and they always seem to be in a hurry. I have actually met our newest neighbor's when they moved in, did the Southern "bake some banana nut bread and take it over" thing- which they seemed to appreciate, but we haven't really interacted since. We are absolutely guilty of the hurried coming-and-going as well. And no one on the street has kids my kids ages/genders. These are all "normal" reasons we haven't really connected, but I keep thinking about the verse in the Bible that says, "Love your neighbor as yourself." I realize this is a much bigger mandate than loving the people who share Grand Court with me- but shouldn't it include them?

I was walking outside this morning to roll my trash can up looking, well, sketchy is the word that comes to mind. Tank top, capri pj pants, no make up, hair not fixed- not exactly my favorite look for myself, but this is how I roll in the mornings. I was truthfully planning to speak to no one. But my next door neighbor was outside washing his car. His back was to me so I really could have just walked back in without being considered rude, but I decided to just holler over a "good morning". (Side note- love the word holler. Did not grow up with holler, but after living in TN 10 years I think I've earned the right to use it.) So, my neighbor waved back and then he proceeded to tell me he's home from work because he is recovering from neck surgery he had last week. We ended up standing in our front yards talking for about 15 minutes. My thoughts while we conversed ranged from concern about his recovery, guilt that I hadn't even known and would have loved to have prayed for him or taken them a meal or something, self consciousness about my appearance, including but not limited to, worry that I was not really covered appropriately by the tank top. Conversation ended with me telling him to take it easy and let us know if they needed anything, and we both went inside.

I am confessing I need to do a better job of loving my Grand Court neighbors. I admit I get deterred by non-receptiveness on their parts. But, since I claim to (and do) follow Jesus, perhaps that is not really a valid excuse as the Bible says we "were his enemies" when he died for us. So I'm just going to start by reaching out with some chicken salad sandwiches as a little "glad-you-are-mostly-recovered-but-I-still-want-to-let-you-know-the-Russell-family-cares-about-you" offering. I'll keep you posted on where it all leads.....

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Today as I dropped Klynt off at school he was singing "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson. I like that song. It's kind of a combo of ideas presented in God's word. Both "get the plank out of your eye, before trying to remove the speck in someone else's" and "if you look in the mirror and walk away and forgot what you saw, that's like hearing God's word and doing nothing about it" and throw in some sha-na-na's and you've got it. Anyway, I've been humming it all day, and it got me thinking about what women see in the mirror.

Yesterday I was thinking about how tough it is to be a teenage boy. You know what I think is tougher? Being a middle-aged woman. I counsel a lot of them. I am one myself. In our culture, it's the spot where women begin the descent down the "beauty curve". Our world doesn't value wrinkles, or age spots or gray hair or jiggly arms. Our world values lean, tight, smooth. So as middle age begins the climb toward old age, and the devalued traits appear, we can no longer hide behind physical beauty for a sense of self worth. I mean, you can take up running and get firmer, but it won't take away wrinkles. (By the way, unless a bear is chasing me, I don't understand running. Why? What is the crazy love of running? It's like I missed a class in middle school where they handed out a running pill that everyone swallowed that promised to digest in 20 years.) You can dye the gray's but they'll be back in 6 weeks.

We don't just see our aging bodies in the mirror though. We see every real and imagined failure. We notice ridiculous details and get all our flaws and quirks out of proportion. We imagine no one has the same feelings of insecurity or unworthiness as us, so we make valiant efforts to cover and hide. We take up tweeting every clever thought to impress. We make sure to "check in" on facebook from any place we think will up our cool factor. We use humor to deflect- sometimes we tear ourselves down in jokes to beat everyone else to the punch. I'm painting a bleak picture, and I know we don't do all these things every day, but we do them sometimes. I do them sometimes, (except tweet, because I really don't get it at all).

Mirror, mirror on the wall- who is the fairest one of all?

So, are you the wicked queen trying to gain your worth by eliminating all the competition? Are you Snow White hanging out waiting on a prince to come and save you? Maybe a little of both.....

 The King already came to rescue you, by the way. Not because you were Snow White, beautiful and fair, but because the part of you that is more like the Wicked Queen than you or I would like to admit, needed rescuing. And He loves you. So much more than anyone in this world can or will. He sees you more clearly than you see yourself. The wrinkles, the jiggly arms, the bad attitude, the jealousy, the fear- all of it. He also sees the beauty, the talent, the effort you make, the desire to serve, the noses you wipe and the tears you dry- all of it. And yes, He loves you.

Girl's Nite Out, Part One

Just got home from a lovely Girl's Nite Out with my sweet friends I work with. It was very relaxing after a week spent having to remind myself to breathe. (see 2 blogs ago) We ate dinner at Cheesecake Factory and wandered into cute shops and oohed and aahed about perfect sandals, cute tops, the very item I needed to find for a baby shower tomorrow and adorable aprons. (I'm seriously considering the need to purchase an adorable apron at this point, just so you know.) The temperature outside was exactly right for window shopping- Emma describes that temperature as "It feels like nothing" which is completely accurate but doesn't sound nearly as pleasant as it feels. A totally needed night away from responsibility and men and dirty dishes and shedding cats.

 I'm so thankful for the women in my life who make life better. This little group is my affirmers. When I spend time with them I come away feeling encouraged. For example, I shared a story with them about this attempt I made at crafting, and how it was a fail and I was so irritated by the entire thing. And they said, "You don't need to be a crafter. You be you. You are just fine without crafting." Which is true, and good to be reminded of. And when I say, "Oh that top is cute" they say "It is cute. You'd look great in that." You know, good friend stuff. I think I am more aware of the sheer delight of time spent with women because I have been through transitions in the past few years in friendships and have spent some seasons lonely. My husband is, in many ways, my best friend. But he doesn't use words like adorable, he doesn't understand why an apron would possibly be a wonderful addition to my life and he does not know why, when one top is perfect for me, another similar one is exactly wrong. He also doesn't connect to how spending time doing something frivolous like window shopping can actually encourage my spirit, as that is not how he is wired. Oh but it does- lift my spirits, that is. Not really the shopping, but the camaraderie and the feeling of being understood. My friends get why I might need to have an adorable apron, even if they don't need one. It goes deeper than that though. These women truly care about me. And I truly care about them. We pray for each other, cry together, vent frustrations, laugh a lot, ask about each other's families, get mad for each other, teach and learn, delight in successes and generally love each other. At dinner tonight we were talking about how the longer you work with a group there are two things that can happen: either little quirks and flaws become things that get under your skin about the people until you no longer even like them, or you just learn to love them enough to cover over that stuff. I am so deeply grateful that God gave me this little group of women to love me enough to cover over my quirks and flaws. They show me a piece of who God is in that and it lifts my spirits much more than window shopping.

Breathe

I just finished a very intense Intensive Week at work. I love Intensive Week, but this particular week felt heavier. Some of it had to do with struggles the clients had faced. Some of it had to do with my personal and work schedule colliding. Some of it was the sheer number of hours I worked. But all week long I found myself stopping to breathe.

I have a special connection to breathing these days. Now before you get all sarcastic in your head, I am aware that we all have a special connection to breathing as it keeps us alive. But, about a year and a half ago I learned something new about myself. I struggle with anxiety. I never knew it because it felt normal to me. It's a fairly mild level, so it never caused me any significant disruptions, so it went mainly undetected. But my husband spent a month in India in Jan 2011 and I decided to take Valarian Root which is an herbal supplement for anxiety, specifically as it interrupts sleep. I had such a good month, in spite of the kids all getting the flu, a million snow days while I had to work and trying to be a single mom. When he got home, I quit taking the Valarian Root because I knew I'd be able to sleep again, and something funny happened. I could feel the difference. I was anxious and tearful and waking at night some. I finally put the pieces together that this is how I felt before but I'd never had a comparison. I was not shocked, but it was strange to say, "I have anxiety" when I never had known it before.

So, the counselor in me set about learning what works well for me in reducing my anxiety. Here's what I've found: following Jesus' instruction to live in the present and not worry about the future is very important. My friend at work Chandy reminds me to live on the day of the calendar I'm on, not try to live my whole week at once. It's so true when you have anxiety, you tend to get overwhelmed by looking too far ahead on your calendar. Jesus addresses this tendency in His word a lot by telling us that no one knows what the future holds, and we need to instead seek Him in the present moment. We are instructed to pray for "daily bread" not weekly or monthly bread. Why? Because God only gives you what you need for the moment you need it. He wants us to depend on Him every minute of every day.

The other thing I figured out is so simple it's elemental. Literally. Air and water. They are essential for everyone but especially helpful for the anxiety prone. Deep breathing has become a wonderful calming tool and I use it whenever I need it. Free, simple and you can do it anywhere. The studies say 10 deep breaths lower blood pressure, lower heart and rate and give you better oxygen sat's. Deep breathing is simple: close your eyes and picture a place where you feel completely relaxed and safe. Imagine yourself in that place (mine is the beach at dusk) and breath slowly and deeply in through your nose. Hold it for a count, then blow out through your mouth slowly. 10 times. It's amazing.

I drink much more water than I used too. Water helps absorb adrenaline in your system, so you feel more calm. Anxious people produce more adrenaline often times, so the water is a simple way to get back to a calmer place.

Here's the thing about being a christian and dealing with anxiety: I used to feel guilt or shame about it. Now I remember that God doesn't call me to be strong or perfect or together. In fact, it's when I come to Him in brokenness that He is most able to help me heal. And I do see Him using all kinds of things to help me heal. Including the air and water He created, and His word and His presence. 

5 months later....

I am homesick for India and cannot explain that as this is my home and I was in India for a short time, but somehow I left a bit of my heart there. Today we ate Indian food and I have been nostalgic ever since. So, will you indulge me by looking through some of my pictures and memories?

sweet children listening to stories about Jesus

this pastor and his wife run an orphanage- they were precious!

banjera (gypsy) women and new sisters in Christ

the first family I got to share the gospel with

best trip leaders ever: Amy, Abraham, Scott and Timothy

Ok, just a snap shot of my memories and doesn't really do it justice, but thanks for reminiscing with me. If you've never been on an international mission trip I cannot stress enough how incredible it is. On our trip we saw 300+ people profess their faith in Christ, 6 new churches planted and many pastors encouraged! 

worth

I just think women in our culture have a really hard time establishing or maintaining a healthy self-esteem. We either swing from the extreme of self-absorbed and constantly finding ways to maintain an exterior image to cover an interior sense of insecurity to being completely selfless and throwing all our energy into lifting others up while pushing ourselves further down. It's no wonder though. With pornography, sexual abuse, anorexic models on magazine covers and a slew of other cultural assaults, it's hard to stay clear about what our value and worth comes from.

So what are you worth? My pastor says, "You were so bad that Jesus had to die for you, and you were so loved that he wanted to do it." In our capitalistic society, we say an item is worth what people are willing to pay. Supply and demand and all that. How do we know an Ipad is worth $399? Because people keep buying them. Guess what? Our worth was settled by the price that was paid for us as well. 1 Cor. 6 says "You were bought with a price" and 1 Peter 1:18 says "It was not with silver and gold that you were redeemed from your empty way of life, but with the precious blood of Christ" If you've ever felt unloved, unworthy, undesirable- these verses eliminate those thoughts as possible truths about you.

So how do we flesh that out? How do we internalize a sense of healthy self-esteem? First, we accept God's love. It's an act of faith to simply believe that He loves you. The Bible says He does, but you have to choose to receive it. Then you need to practice loving yourself and others. Jesus says to "Love your neighbor as yourself." In other words, you are not more or less valuable than anyone else. We are all equally valuable in God's eyes and it is important to validate that truth in the way you treat yourself and those around you. Pride is an inflated view of self that says I am more important than others, or I was/am good enough to earn God's love. Selflessness says I am worth less than others and God could never really love me. Self esteem/humility says I am loved by God because He chooses to do so, and I am as important as those around me.

On a practical note, things like how you speak to and about yourself matter. Proverbs says, the tongue has the power of life and death. You can tear yourself down with your words. Also, being busy doing the things God has gifted you to do will build your self esteem. God created each of us to do good works and we feel best when we are doing them.

For me a very common struggle is comparing myself to others to find my sense of "ok-ness". I find that when I do this my self esteem fluctuates. If I'm around someone who I feel less together than, I begin to see myself negatively. If I feel more together than whomever I'm with, I feel better. This is essentially what happens in our supply and demand. Products lose value when compared to something newer, shinier, more advanced. Comparing always effects value. Resist the temptation to base your value on anyone else. Always return to the price that was paid and the One who paid it. 

Validation

So this morning all the members of my family took turns asking if I felt ok. Clearly I do not look well today. I explained in brief, and avoiding the word uterus entirely which I want some kind of points for, that mom has "woman stuff" going on. They all very sweetly gave me the sympathetic look and a "sorry, mom" and we proceeded to get people out the door to school. Currently I'd like to crawl back into bed, but I have clients in 45 minutes, and as with all things, it'll pass.

My "woman stuff" has progressed nicely from an inconvenience into an issue. Manageable issue, to be sure, but an issue none-the-less. I find myself feeling the need to talk about it with my husband and occasionally the children, and today I realized why. I mean, there's really nothing they can do for me- and I'm not even asking to be let out of my daily responsibilities. I want to be validated. I want them to say, "Man, mom has been feeling so yucky, but look at this nice dinner she stood in the kitchen for 45 minutes making us." or "Wow, my wife packed me a lunch this morning even though she wanted to lay down with the heating pad." I want credit for pushing through discomfort. (I'm feeling less noble by the minute, as write this mind you.) But it's true.

What I notice about getting validation from people is that it never seems to be enough. Now, I don't think it's wrong to want to be known and understood by those you love. In fact, explaining how you feel and being honest is good and healthy. But, in the end, no one really understands how you feel. Not completely. Except God. Proverbs says, and I'm paraphrasing here because I can't remember the reference to look it up (and I have clients in 38 minutes now), that no man really understands your sorrow or joy completely. That each heart experiences those feelings in such a personal way that no one else can exactly empathize. Which is why I think finding validation in others doesn't quite satisfy. Plus, throw in the obvious fact that sometimes your loved ones have their own issues going on and they really don't care at the moment. Which is not to say they are failing you (or me). They're just people and let's face it, when I'm in my issue, I'm not really feeling too empathetic about their issue either.

So, this brings us back to God. Through Christ, we have this great path to take all of our weakness, hurts, pitiful moments and neediness before God. The Bible says, we can approach God with confidence "to find help in our time of need." And, God completely understands. Is utterly interested. Has exactly what I need to get through each moment of joy or sorrow or pain or "woman stuff". So today I'm asking God for perspective. To see my need to depend on Him when I feel yucky and not ask my family to meet my needs of validation. To realize it's all temporary and He uses this earthly stuff to teach and change me. To remember to talk to Him about it. (If only I would always remember!)