Titus Two 4 U - Learning to Follow

I did not grow up in an era where couples dancing involved memorizing steps and patterns. Our dances did not have names. I always thought the formal dances such as the waltz, or foxtrot, seemed more romantic than the slow-dancing we did in my high school gym, basically consisting of hugging while swaying and occasionally shuffling feet. And do not get me started on dirty dancing, which, while being a romantic and entertaining movie ("Nobody puts Baby in a corner!") was really just "messing around" set to music. No, there was a generation before me that made dancing look fun, and beautiful and seamless.

I think one inclination we lost in both dancing and life was the willingness for a woman to follow a man's lead. About two months ago I was getting really excited about a wonderful ministry in my city. It is a prison ministry for women, with the goal of helping them to transition into life outside jail in a healthy and godly way. It's basically about helping them encounter God through lots of his people reaching out and teaching and serving. Love, love, love it! And, as all good extroverted, excitable types like me do, I called the founder of the ministry to chat about how I could help connect others to them, and how I could be involved myself. The wonderful woman who began the ministry graciously took an hour and poured her heart out about her passion for what God has called her to do. It was inspirational, in a real non-cheesy way. So I left thinking about what role I was going to take, called my husband to tell him of my excitement when he promptly burst my bubble. 

"Um I don't think this is a good time for you to get involved so heavily. You have a lot on your plate and you are tired all the time. I usually support your ideas, but I just don't feel good about this." 

Total joy kill . And I was hurt and annoyed and starting down the path of self-righteousness, when God reminded me I was to follow this man's lead. It was kind of a quiet reminder- a thought that perhaps my repsonse wa not reflecting a wife with a submissive or willing spirit. More joy kill. Not only do I NOT get to be all excited about my fun new ministry opportunity, I don't even get to be mad at my husband for pouring water all over it. (I may or may not have mentioned something along those lines via text before sensing the nudge of God to simmer down and listen to my husband. Sigh- I'm working on not firing off snarky texts anymore.)

So, I will admit this was begrudging, but I decided to email the founder and let her know I'd need to wait for a time to get involved. Fast forward two months. Low and behold my entire body begins to lose a grip on health. I'm noticing fatigue getting higher, starting to run a pretty consistent fever and feeling generally bad. At the same time, Little Miss Fluff and Sparkle brings home two C's on progress report and it becomes clear she needs more attention and structure in homework time. Suddenly, the thought of another weekly committment to a brand new role doesn't look like such a good idea. In fact, it sounds totally overwhelming. I am heading to doctor appointments, work and bed until I can recover. I am cancelling fun plans, busyness and housework just to get through the week. 

Somehow, in God's wonderful plan He set things up to work in a truly good way. My husband is my protection, often and mostly it seems, from myself. I am ever so thankful God reminded me to listen. I am humbled by how my attitude was so crabby with him instead of trusting that he did, in fact, have my best interest at heart and could offer some wisdom where I was blinded by excitement. It's not a common or popular message in our world to allow yourself to be led by a man. But in marriage, God set up a way to be protected, cherished and served, which sometimes looks like my man doing the dishes for me. And sometimes it looks like him telling me to slow down, hold back or stop. I realize not every husband embraces that role and not every marriage is loving. But I also know when both people live out the roles God gave them, it's pretty amazing.

How texting and facebooking are running amuck

I was sitting in a restaurant the other day watching a couple, probably ten years younger than I, at a table near me. They were both completely engrossed in their smart phones, presumably surfing the net although I can't be sure as I'm not that nosy that I would look at their screens to confirm my suspicions. (plus they were too far away to see even I had wanted to, not that I did) It was so strange to observe how they barely spoke to one another during the whole meal. Sad really. Now maybe they were studying, or had some urgent reason they needed to be on their phones- seems unlikely, but I suppose it's possible. But it just reminded me of how completely disconnected and fragmented we are becoming on the whole. I love the internet, texting and movies as much as the next gal- but it seems that anything good left unchecked just runs rampant.

the laptop I do all my facebooking from

I have, ever since my kids got cell phones, had various rules that "no one else's parents have" such as cell phones charge over night in the kitchen and get turned in before you go to bed. Or no texting during dinner. Or no texting while we are all engaged in some family activity, like a game night or movie. And of course, NO TEXTING WHILE DRIVING, which I have to remind and enforce upon myself as well. So these are general restrictions about using the phone, but I am beginning to see we all need to have some other standards as well if our marriages and relationships are not going to be undone by technology. Here is my list so far- not complete by any means, but a start:

1. No texting about tense, painful or emotional topics. Face to face, or at the very least by phone, is necessary. Too much miscommunication and loss of tone, body language etc. if you can't see or hear the person speaking to you.

2. No texting members of the opposite sex to "chat" or vent. Period. (If married)

3. No texting to scold, fuss at or otherwise correct ones children.

4. Unless it's an emergency, no texting or taking a call while otherwise engaged in a relational activity such as- on a date with one's spouse, in church, in the middle of a conversation with a friend, etc.

5. No using facebook to passive-agressively vent about other people. Again, face to face conversations are needed to deal with hurt and anger.

6. No re-connecting with past romantic relationships, "just to see what they're up to" or any other reason. I cannot tell you how many marriages have been devastated by one partner finding an old flame on facebook or some other social media, and ending up in an affair.

7. When posting a status, ask yourself: is this sarcastic, complaining, bitter, passive aggressive, gossip, divisive or impure? If it is, get off facebook and go seek the lord about what is going on in your heart. The bible says "out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" and very often our "innocent venting" is really a reflection of a heart that is not focused on Christ.

Ultimately every part of our lives as Christ followers is meant to bring honor and glory to Him. This is my attempt to bring glory to God in the way I use technology and not invite destruction into my life through foolishness. I'd love to hear your thoughts or decisions in these areas. 

It's Your Move

Sometimes in marriage, you just have to decide to make the first move. To get past whatever argument or disagreement or hurt feelings there are, and reach out to reconnect. Maybe you grab their hand, or you begin with some "normal" small talk or you say "I'm sorry"- but whatever it is, the easiest thing is to keep holding back and waiting for them to bring it up. After all, it's their fault anyway, right? If they had only said (or not said) this, if they would just pay more attention to you, if they would just be perfect, perhaps we would not be in this little mess in the first place.

In chess when one person has gone, they tell their opponent "it's your move". This lets them know the game cannot move forward unless the correct player makes a move. Also it's let's them know, I'm waiting on you. As in, Move It! (In chess, they are more civilized sounding than I am when waiting on my husband to come to the car so we can leave to get to church on time for example....) But marriage, is not a game. We are not keeping score, there are not winners and losers. At least, there aren't supposed to be. Either person is free to make a move toward the other at any time. It's hard to do because we give in to pride and fear. Pride says, make them take that step. You didn't do anything wrong, or at least not as wrong as them. Fear says, if you move toward them you'll never reconcile the problem- it'll just be swept under the rug so you have to pull away until they see it your way or agree you were right. But here's the thing: Love says, lay down your rights for the good of your relationship. For the good of your partner. In marriage like no other relationship, you have to decide what voice you will listen to- pride, fear or love.

But, remember, you are not the first one to ever take a risk on love. God loved you first. He initiated a reconciliation that you didn't even acknowledge you needed! The Bible says we were His enemies when he chose to love us. Not only that, but it also says His perfect love drives out fear. When I know I am completely loved by God, I can quit being in fear of not having my needs met, or not being in perfect agreement with my husband. God's love for me, allows me to love my husband better. If I let it. 

Titus 2 Four U - Limit Critique

In most women that I know, and in myself, there seems to be a common theme of "relational improvement". Our radars are highly tuned in to any area we can help improve for our husbands or children. We notice if they'd just: call their mom more often, ask their boss how his weekend was, quit interrupting others, sit up straighter, go in to work 30 minutes earlier, stop telling such long stories, spend a little more time with the kids one-on-one, read their bible more, eat better- THEN their lives would be so much better! So we set off on an improvement campaign to help make them the person we believe God wants them to be.

Have you ever read the book of Proverbs? I highly recommend women read this book, because it is full of practical wisdom and principals on how to live. But one thing it is also full of is cautionary descriptions of unpleasant wives. (Perhaps if Solomon had not had so many wives this would have been better... but I digress) Wives are compared to a dripping faucet, called contentious and it's said it would be better to be on the corner of a roof then live in the house with one of these "nagging" women. Now to be fair, Solomon also says finding a wife is a good thing, and then describes in chapter 31, that famous description of a wife with noble character. But on the whole, you get the feeling Solomon had endured (and watched his buddies endure), a whole lotta' nag!

"But, we're not nagging- we're helping!" A few years ago the thought occurred to me that "help" is only such if it is perceived as helpful by the recipient. In other words, would your husband and children say they feel helped or criticized? If the person I'm trying to help walks away feeling defeated, unliked or discouraged- did I accomplish my goal? And are they even likely to take my unsolicited opinion? I will freely admit, I fail often in this area. In fact, I have recently come to the conclusion that this is an area I need to focus more attention on. I had an honest discussion with my husband, that left me with the realization that more often than not, he feels criticized by my attempts to "better him".

So what's a woman to do? I'll tell you what the Lord has laid on my heart in this area, and you take what feel might be helpful for you:

1. When I notice something I want to suggest or feel concerned about: pray about it for two weeks. No bringing it up until I have fully prayed it through. Sometimes God shows me that my motives for concern are purely selfish. Sometimes the "problem" resolves itself. And then occasionally I still feel the need to discuss a concern.

2. Limit, absolutely, critique to one item per week. Once you've reached your limit, go back to #1.

3. Focus energy on praise. Studies say for every one negative, we need ten positives to balance it out. I find that whatever I focus on, expands. When I retrain my mind to be more tuned in to the good, positive, successful traits and qualities in my loved ones, the areas of concern get smaller naturally. Phillipians 4:8 tells us to think on the positive, and this applies to our view of others as well.

4. Focus heart on Christ. All throughout scripture, we are told to set our hearts on Christ. To remember Him in our day to day life. How does this help with not being a nagging wife/mom? Well, when I focus on Christ I am reminded of His great love and grace for ME! I am full of faults and flaws and sin and weakness, but Jesus doesn't constantly nit-pick me. In fact, He says His grace is sufficient for me and when I am weak, then I am strong. As I experience His grace to me, it overflows to my family. It's not saying they don't have areas they need to improve. It's realizing it's not my job to show them or condemn them for where they are currently. 

August 2nd

Tomorrow, August 2nd, is one of the more important days in my life every year. It is the day God gave life to  the little baby boy who would one day grow up to be the other half of my heart. I could tell you so many stories of who he is and why God brought him to me, but here is one of my favorites:

When we began our dating relationship I was a broken, but hopeful, single mama. I had recently gone through the very painful process of divorce and was still a bit wary of trusting any man besides God. However I am not a cynic by nature so dating was fun and exciting, just a little scary. We met on-line before anyone did that sort of thing so we had been talking via computer for 6 weeks before we finally went on a date in person. During six weeks of talking we had covered a lot of ground. Family history, views on God and theology, football, past romantic relationship highs and lows- you know, all the stuff you talk about when beginning. One little fact he had shared was his toenails had fungus that he couldn't get rid of. I logged it into my brain, but really didn't think much of it. My thighs have cellulite I can't seem to get rid of either, so that's a wash. But, it must have been weighing more heavily on him, because we were in person on our first date weekend, and were stopping to sit on a bench by a lake when he took off his shoes. "There they are, you may as well see them now" as he pointed to his toes. I have to tell you, I think I might have fallen in love right then. Who does that? Throws off the mask and reveals their insecurities so casually on a first date? Not me back then, I can tell you. I had spent hours picking the perfect camouflage for my faults and failures. But he just sat there grinning. I know I laughed at him, and assessed the toes (so not a big deal, and just to report he took meds and got rid of that stuff later- he will want that piece shared!) but I think inside I knew this was the man for me. I needed someone who was willing to be honest, even if it was a risk. I needed someone confident enough in Christ to take risks, but humble enough to admit he wasn't perfect. And I needed someone to make me laugh. I had cried a river in the year before I met Scott. And I have laughed more in the 11 years we've been together than all the years before put together.

So Happy Birthday my wonderful husband! I am ever so grateful you were born, so that you could grow up to be mine. 

5 Ways to Wreck Your Marriage

Ladies, (I assume you are all ladies except my dad who reads this- hi dad!) tonight I am on a soapbox of sorts. Not really a soap box exactly. More of a plea than an indictment. I am going to address ways women destroy their marriages. Why? Because I work with marriages in crisis. Because I see people who truly want to do the right things, but are doing the wrong things out of ignorance or hurt or anger. Because marriage is meant to be a beautiful picture of God's faithfulness, but I see so many dark pictures being painted. So, here we go friends, 5 sure fire ways to wreck/rob/destroy/tear down an otherwise healthy marriage:

1. Become friends with a man who is not your husband. I know, I know- everything in our culture says that intelligent, educated and well meaning people should be able to be married and have friends of the opposite sex and this is not a problem. But, our culture is wrong. Here's why this doesn't work for women: because we fall in love based on emotional connections. To be loved as a woman you have to be known and accepted. When I have a friend, who is not my husband, he hears my story about my boss treating me badly (or my kids driving me crazy or worse, my husband forgetting my birthday) and he empathizes. Then, I feel connected to him. Now that I have been "heard" I don't need to re-tell my story to my spouse, hence my connection to him lessens because he now knows me less. Over time, this eats away at intimacy between my husband and I. I may or may not actually "fall" for the guy I'm friends with, but my marriage is in jeopardy because I am less connected and vulnerable.

2. Text, email, facebook, chat or hang out with men, without your spouse. A bit of expounding on the first point, I realize, but this is a boundary that matters. Obviously, in business you may have to email or call a man, but it should always be kept professional and not personal in nature. Again, bonding to other men, weakens your connection to your husband. Also, there is a form of flirting that is easier to get sucked into via facebook and text than you would naturally engage in in person. When I counsel couples I tell them to have no room or way to keep secrets. The best policy is to always have each others passwords and have an "open book" approach. No one, I repeat no one, is above having an affair if the boundaries get dropped along the way.

3. Compare your husband to your dad, your pastor, your boss, your ex. Nothing will alter your perception of your spouse like mentally comparing all their faults to all the strengths you see in other men. You married a sinful person. (So did he.) Comparing in your mind, or out loud, is dangerous, because you will tend to devalue as a result. What might have seemed like an irritation or quirk in your husband becomes a glaring flaw when we hold him up to someone else as a standard. There is no other relationship on earth that allows you to know another person as deeply and as closely as marriage. As a result you see the good, bad and ugly in your spouse. You only see the good in the person you are comparing them to usually. Remember, they have a bad and ugly side too, that you aren't privy to. Whatever we focus on expands, so focus on the strengths and good traits in your husband. Find the positive comparisons in your spouse with Christ. Ask God to give you His eyes to see your husband.

4. Threaten to leave/divorce. When you got married you made a covenant before God to commit your life to this man. When we sew seeds of insecurity into our marriage through our words or actions, we erode the very love that brought us into the commitment in the first place. Additionally it does not paint the picture God intended marriage to be. Marriage is meant to mirror God's covenant with us- everlasting. Often in anger or frustration we speak words of doubt and unfaithfulness. "If you don't get your act together I'm out of here." or "I'm not sure if I can stand much more of this." Instead a wiser and more healthy choice is to speak commitment INTO your painful or difficult issue. "Because I am going to be married to you until I die, we are not going to continue in this pattern." or if you're really mad, "Because I have to spend the rest of my life with you, we are going to figure this issue out." It expresses the frustration, without creating insecurity. (As a side note, we are talking about a generally healthy marriage here. If you are dealing with active addiction, abuse or adultery- you may need to seek a separation for your safety. A good christian counselor can be very helpful in those situations.)

5. Turn your husband into your god. There is only one who can satisfy your every need, never fail you and love you perfectly. And you are NOT married to Him. Your relationship with God is the only way to truly experience the ind of love your soul has been craving your whole life. Your husband may be a great man- but he cannot be your god. If you expect him to do things that only God can do, you have set him up as a idol. This will destroy you both because he will never live up to your expectations, you will become needy and clingy and never satisfied. I know about this one personally because I struggle with this. I have to constantly remind myself to seek God, not my husband for my deepest needs. I can tell I have displaced God with my husband when I am disappointed by some action or lack of action. I tend to freak out and over react when I have my husband on the throne of my heart, but when God is in His rightful place I can express my feelings, forgive and move on. This lesson has been a painful one for me, and I am still learning it but I have been blessed to have women around me who help me "get over myself" and point me back to Jesus.

My love and I in India last fall

April Fool's Day

I happened to be pregnant with Emma when April Fool's Day rolled around in 2003. So I decided to play a little joke on the hubs, by calling him and telling him I had gone into labor early. (It would have been about 6 1/2 weeks early) Scott was totally startled, believed me and was worried which surprised me because it didn't seem like anything to be worried about really. But, since he was worried, I had to tell him it was just April Fool's thereby ending the whole little joke. So all I'm saying is: think through your pranks, so as not to cause alarm to loved ones. It's all fun and games till somebody has to end up apologizing for not being as cute and funny as they thought they were......

Lava Lamps and Women

The longer I'm married the more clearly I see I am like a lava lamp and my husband is like, well, a regular lamp. (For the purposes of this analogy only. Not trying to impune his originality or creativity. In case he reads this.) So a regular lamp is only "on" when you turn it on. Otherwise it's off. Very straightforward. It shines at one level of brightness, or is completely dark. A lava lamp on the other hand has all these globs of who know's what? floating around in varying stages of light and it changes constantly. Kind of mesmorizing but also, not exactly the best light to say, read or sew or look for your missing birth control pill that fell out of your hand onto the floor (happened this morning).

So, in my world, when I start off my day it's like turning on a lava lamp. All these pieces of information begin moving around in my mind bumping into each other and sometimes combining into new ideas. One thought sparks another, often unrelated to the current thought at hand, and I just add to the globs as the day goes on. So, if for example, I'm thinking about "did I remember to send in Klynt's football forms", it leads to "I'm going to have to change my counseling hours when football season starts so I can be at the games", which leads to "what am I planning for dinner tonight". (Because last year during football season, planning dinners on game nights was challenging.) Which then leads to a deeper thought on "whether I'm doing a good job balancing caring for my family and working" and "do they feel nurtured" and "are we really sharing meals together the way I believe is good". And all this goes on between the time I wake up and pour my first cup of coffee.

Enter my husband, sleepy and non-globby brained who is, at the moment, thinking "Breakfast". He then asks, "do we have any of that good juice left that I liked?" It's really an innocent question, but unfortunately for him he just threw a blob in my lamp that hit my last thought about not knowing if my family feels nurtured. New blob: defensiveness. "Well, we would have more but our grocery budget only stretches so far and I told you if you'd drink a little less we wouldn't run out." Poor guy just wanted a glass of juice. He looks at me like I'm sort of cute and cranky and continues about the process of breakfast. My husband is unfailingly patient. Meanwhile 3 new blobs have appeared including: guilt "I was being defensive for no good reason", time "I have got to get Emma moving or we'll never get out the door" and football forms have reappeared "must ask Klynt if I gave him the forms". Now that I'm more awake the blobs get brighter and move around faster, but they're all still there. In fact, that little blob of guilt will reemerge when I see my husband later that evening. Now here's the proof that he doesn't carry all his thoughts about everything he is connected to all day in his brain: when I apologize for being defensive in the morning, he will inevitably ask "for what?" Every time. He had turned that thought off as soon as he finished breakfast: "Cranky wife" was replaced with "Shower and Get to Work", and it never reappeared. I love this about him for many reasons.

Thankfully, the Lord is always moving around in my mind as well. Reminding me which blobs to throw out, which ones to pay attention to and that he created me this way for a good purpose.