Motherhood Mixed

Got up this morning to the site of one very excited girl, in her new Justice top, asking to "please wear my hair down today" looking every bit as grown up as she's feeling. First day of school is always mixed for me. I love, love, love all the new school supplies and new sneakers and excitement of possibilities. I always ache a little at seeing one more year begin and my kids all growing up and away before my eyes. Yet, I feel settled that it is good and every season of motherhood brings a new joy. I have not always felt this way however.

 I remember gripping my babies tightly, not wanting to see them grow up, yet wishing for the day when we would be a "diaper free" home. I remember how I loved singing them night-night songs and tucking them in, while simultaneously longing for the day I could hug them good night from the place I had plopped down on the couch while they put themselves to bed. There are countless tasks I loved and dreaded all at the same time. I look back and think it is funny that I spent so much time in two places in my mind: enjoying the present while wishing it away for an easier future.

Over the years I have been reminded over and over, how God calls us, urges us, commands us and reminds us to live in the present. Why is it so hard to be where we are? I'm not sure I can answer for any woman other than myself, but I am seeing more clearly that I live in the future to control and to escape. I live in the past to grieve and escape. But, contentment does not exist in any place but the present. To fully embrace life, I have to train my mind to be where I am, fully present for every sorrow and joy. It is here, in this moment where God meets me and gives me grace. Where He provides insight or wisdom or peace. Where I can experience His presence.

So today on August 7, 2012 I am living at 8:43 aware that my house is quiet. Aware that my sweet girl is still little enough to snuggle with her mama, but big enough to get herself dressed. Aware that all my children are good gifts from God, and I am undeservedly blessed to be their mom. 

Titus 2 Four U- Rise Early

When you give birth to your first baby, you come home from the hospital on a whole new schedule: sleeping and feeding are what a typical day revolves around and if you manage to shower it's a bonus. For about six to eight weeks depending on your little bundle of joy, this becomes normal life. You don't need an alarm clock because the baby sets your wake up time. This works well with baby number one. As more children make their appearance, or as baby one grows, in order to function well as mama, there comes a time when the alarm clock needs to re-emerge. This lesson took me a long time to learn. I used my boys as alarm clocks forever, because they were such early risers. The main problem with this method is we were both waking up at the same time, but they responded to the arrival of morning with enthusiasm and energy. Mom responded with a groan. (Have I mentioned I am decidedly not a morning person?)

One day, and I think my kids were 9, 7 and 2 at this point, I was reading Proverbs 31 in part admiration, part irritation (yeah, but she had servants!) when it hit me that this woman was up before the rest of her family. "She rises while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls." (Proverbs 31:15) She was up and preparing for her family, which in those times revolved a lot around food. (I live in the South, and that still holds true to a large degree!) I decided that I would try as an experiment setting my alarm for 15 minutes before my earliest riser, Emma, awoke on a normal day. So, alarm set for 6 am and I began to groan my way out of bed to the coffee pot and begin my day as the earliest riser. At first it was hard, because I was just so accustomed to hitting snooze and sleeping in till I had to get up. But after a week or so, I began to see the pay off. You can accomplish so much more in 15 minutes without children around than you can in 45 minutes with them! And in reality that 15 minutes of sleep wasn't really giving me that much more rest.

Here's what I discovered could be accomplished in 15 minutes of peace and quiet: fully awake mama to greet waking children, coffee already made and one cup consumed, five minutes praying for my day, aware of what the day has in store because of checking my day planner including prep for dinner, one load of laundry started and lunches packed for school. As they got older and I began working more, I exchanged "lunches packed" for "dishwasher unloaded" and added Jesus Calling in with my prayer time. The double bonus was with all that done, I could actually visit with my kids while they ate breakfast instead of scurrying around trying to multi-task. What could you do in 15 minutes of quiet that would make your day run smoother?

As I have been in this system for several years now, I'll tell you I do not rise early on weekends if I can help it because I do really love sleeping in. So on Saturdays currently I sleep till I'm ready to get up, unless we have a commitment. This helps me care for myself and catch up on sleep I may have missed during the week. Obviously, this is a system you need to wait to use until babies are a bit older and sleeping through the night mainly. For my family, the blessing of mom rising earlier than the rest to begin our day has been huge. I would love to hear what you accomplish in your 15 minutes and what blessings you notice for yourself or kids by trying this idea!

Something New For You from Millinery

Next week begins the flurry of back-to-schoolness in our home. In our area, there are both city and county schools, which results in two different school calendars. Additionally I have two high schoolers in different schools, and an elementarian so we've got three different room meetings/orientations/sets of paperwork. (I'm not bitter but I did count papers last year and there were 51 separate sheets needing to be signed....ok, I'm a little bitter.) So, this year I have done a better job of prepping ahead of time for the upcoming year and I am actually excited to get everyone back in school and settled into a routine again.  As I have mentioned before, I am a "hamster on a wheel" kind of gal, so I thrive in structure. My husband is more "out of the box" than most, so in the summer I relax a lot to let us all breathe and chill.

As I have been praying this week for our city and our country in general, I have been thinking a lot about the verses that instruct the "older women to train the younger women...." (Titus 2:4) and how blessed I have been in my life to have had generous, kind, wise women to teach me and encourage me when I was a new mom and a young wife. I still love learning from my two mom's who I have recently had some good discussions with about teenagers. But as I listen to women in my office or just friends at church, one sad reality I see over and over, is many young mom's and wives do not have older women to guide them or mentor them. Many women my age don't have it either for that matter. I think in part that is why I began this blog- as a way to share so much of the wisdom and sound practical advice I have been given with others. So, as I have been praying, I see a few areas where women tend to struggle in managing their homes or loving their husbands/children and I am going to do a new weekly feature called Titus 2 Four U, on Sundays. I am excited to use that day to share ideas, scripture and insight I have gained over 16 years of mothering, 17 years of wifery and 5 years of counseling. Be prepared to hear my mistakes because that is mainly how we gain wisdom! And as always, feel free to let me know topics you'd like to hear about in this area. 

August 2nd

Tomorrow, August 2nd, is one of the more important days in my life every year. It is the day God gave life to  the little baby boy who would one day grow up to be the other half of my heart. I could tell you so many stories of who he is and why God brought him to me, but here is one of my favorites:

When we began our dating relationship I was a broken, but hopeful, single mama. I had recently gone through the very painful process of divorce and was still a bit wary of trusting any man besides God. However I am not a cynic by nature so dating was fun and exciting, just a little scary. We met on-line before anyone did that sort of thing so we had been talking via computer for 6 weeks before we finally went on a date in person. During six weeks of talking we had covered a lot of ground. Family history, views on God and theology, football, past romantic relationship highs and lows- you know, all the stuff you talk about when beginning. One little fact he had shared was his toenails had fungus that he couldn't get rid of. I logged it into my brain, but really didn't think much of it. My thighs have cellulite I can't seem to get rid of either, so that's a wash. But, it must have been weighing more heavily on him, because we were in person on our first date weekend, and were stopping to sit on a bench by a lake when he took off his shoes. "There they are, you may as well see them now" as he pointed to his toes. I have to tell you, I think I might have fallen in love right then. Who does that? Throws off the mask and reveals their insecurities so casually on a first date? Not me back then, I can tell you. I had spent hours picking the perfect camouflage for my faults and failures. But he just sat there grinning. I know I laughed at him, and assessed the toes (so not a big deal, and just to report he took meds and got rid of that stuff later- he will want that piece shared!) but I think inside I knew this was the man for me. I needed someone who was willing to be honest, even if it was a risk. I needed someone confident enough in Christ to take risks, but humble enough to admit he wasn't perfect. And I needed someone to make me laugh. I had cried a river in the year before I met Scott. And I have laughed more in the 11 years we've been together than all the years before put together.

So Happy Birthday my wonderful husband! I am ever so grateful you were born, so that you could grow up to be mine. 

Summer Wrap Up

Here are some bits of thought from the last two weeks of my summer, in no particular order, that I found to be interesting upon pondering them:

a. If you choose to look at your husband's behavior from the viewpoint of how you want him to look at yours you are often able to offer more grace (and by you I mean me)

b. It's really hard to raise teenagers, especially if you are unwilling to be humble and apologize when you screw up.

c. Getting a sweet card in the mail is such a delightful treat in this cyber era.

d. Back to school shopping involves buying new summer clothes, which is weird and not as fun.

e. High school football is unbelievably tough on a 14 year olds body! He looks like he got in a wreck from the knees down.

f. Making the decision to get up at 5:30 am to go the the Y to work out may have been delusional.

g. I miss my oldest son now that he has a car. School starting means I get to see him more and I am looking forward to that, with an increased awareness that the clock is ticking down on my time left with him at home.

h. I get more insecure around tan women. weird and true.

i. So many people believe that God just wants them to be happy, even though this idea never appears in scripture.

j. Finding joy in God's providence at all times is a challenge. A good challenge like searching for hidden treasure.

k. Approaching fall always makes me want to read cookbooks. It's a good time to break out of a cooking rut plus I like "fall food" such as apple bread, and chili and spiced cider.

l. I am getting more and more cranky with noise as I age. I think I should start wearing ear plugs at home as a general rule.

m. Having friends who know how to fix cars is an incredible blessing. When making new friends you should consider pre-screening for this quality. (just kidding about the last part. kind of.)

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Last month I had my second subpoena to appear in court for my job as a counselor. Having only been one time before, which went well considering I was quite nervous, I felt more confident about this particular case. I do not like going to court mind you. But, as I DO like being free to go about my life, I obey subpoena's. So this is just my story of how you never really know something until you do.

I arrived at the courthouse at 8:45 am, scheduled for 9 am, and feeling good about my timing. I remembered my cell, keys, planner and client case file. Last time in court I learned you can't bring any kind of purse or bag, so you carry everything in a big pile with you. I went to the courtroom listed on the subpoena, and took a seat. I've never met the particular attorney who called me to court, so I begin scanning for my client. No sign of them, so I settle in and observe the people. That alone was both sad and funny depending on who I was watching. A few minutes tick by. It's now 8:50 and the courtroom is filling up. I am sandwiched in between two men in a back row and mildly uncomfortable, but also becoming nervous about not seeing my client. I'm in the room it listed, right? I debate with myself about getting up to crawl over the people in my row and the potential of losing my seat, but at 8:55 with no sign of my client, I am certain I have made a mistake but don't know what it is. I mumble "excuse me's" and inch my way out of the row and exit the room. Yep, that's the room listed, but where are they? I make a quick call to the attorney's office and explain my dilemma to the receptionist, who tells me I need to find a clerk to tell me what room the case has been assigned to (what?), and the clerk's office is probably on the 3rd floor. So I make a mad dash up one flight of stairs to find a clerk, thinking A- why is there a blasted room listed on the subpoena anyway and B- why did I wear these unbelievably tall heels?! I find the clerk thankfully and it's now 9 am. I'm late. And there are two men in line in front of me who, no kidding, are speaking slower than any humans I have ever heard. Tick, tick, tick. At 9:05 I'm feeling panicked. I don't know what happens when you are late for court and it certainly can't look good to the judge. I finally interrupt the slow-talkers and explain my problem. Ah, yes, your courtroom is on the 5th floor. Stairs are faster than the elevator.  I thank the clerk, who really looked more like a grandma than whatever I pictured a clerk looking like, and ran up two flights of stairs, causing me to break a sweat but not my neck. I see the other courtroom and realize there are only the defendant and my client and other witnesses in the courtroom. Great, no way to slip in unnoticed. I walk in trying to not huff and puff and look somewhat composed, and everyone (judge included) stops to look at me. Weak smile, mumbled apology. The attorney for my client leans toward and whispers, And you are....? I tell him my name and he looks relieved and asks the judge for a few minutes to confer with his expert witness who was in the wrong courtroom.

Sigh. Not my most shining moment. Well, unless you count the shine on my forehead from running up three flights of stairs. Because as we all know, unless there's a bear chasing me, I don't run. But I suppose I will have to amend that sentence now to include "a bear chasing me OR late for court". So girls, learn from my minor fiasco: a. wear comfy shoes to court b. find a clerk and never believe the subpoena c. bring extra powder just in case.

Facing the "E" word

Yo-yo-ing is the best way to describe my health and fitness journey.  I have spent years outsmarting my love of foods and disdain for exercise with clever little tricks, but they always leave me in a state of flux. I have to tell you, thankfully and gratefully, my parents did a wonderful job of helping me with my sense of self, and thus I arrived in the real world feeling pretty cute and loved. I realize many women do not share that particular part of my story and my heart aches for those who simply cannot see how beautiful God created them to be. But for me, I truly do not struggle on a regular basis with body image. Oh sure, every so often while shopping under fluorescent lights I begin to panic over some trouble spot I notice. But I generally think, "hey- not bad for 38 and three kids...." when looking in the mirror, and since I am not a perfectionist, "not bad" is good enough for me! As a result, after giving birth to my third baby, I had a considerable amount of unneeded weight left over. (I ate an inordinate amount of fast food during that pregnancy. I have never been that tired in my whole life and I napped every day from 3-5pm so we ate out a lot! Terrible but true.)  The truth is, without appearance as a motivator, I tend to make unhealthy choices. I love rich, cheesy, salty food. I love chocolate. I love flavored coffee creamer and Indian food and ice cream. I also deeply dislike exercise. I was never an athlete, and not for lack of effort. There were way too many "last picks" for the kick ball team in my childhood due to my general lack of athletic ability, and plus I just don't like getting sweaty. Or getting hit by balls. (whoever named it a softball obviously never got hit in the eye with one!) Bottom line, I am not set up internally to age well without an intervention. After the third baby, I decided it was time to shed the extra and worked out faithfully for a year with a friend at the YMCA. I was an elliptical queen. Once I was down to a reasonable size for good health and personal comfort, I made a decision. Throw out all the bigger sized clothes AND never buy a bigger size again. When the clothes stop fitting, time to watch the calories for awhile. And since I truly loathe the feeling of being a sausage stuffed into my clothing, this is a boundary that has worked for weight management for 7+ years. However, recently I'm coming to the conclusion that this boundary isn't really working wonders for my overall health. While it does keep me in a healthy range which is one factor in wellness, it really doesn't do much else. No heart health, no muscle tone, no flexibility and no endurance. Annoying, but true. It seems as I have my eye on 40, I am going to have to face my dread and found a boundary that I can live with regarding exercise. Sigh.

This past week at work during our staff meeting we were all sharing something God was showing us in our lives right now. (perks of working at a christian counseling center!) I was talking about how I am becoming aware that God wants me to be thankful for his providence in each situation I face. For a time at work, I was low on hours (equaling low on money) and I kept asking God to fill my schedule. Now I am slammed crazy busy, and I am asking God for time. Instead of seeing that low hours was His provision of time in my life, and busy schedule is His provision of finances. So in keeping with that theme, I'm asking God how my lack of love for fitness IS His provision in some way...... Here is what I see so far: it is his provision for growth in self discipline, and for humility. (These are not areas I am ever really excited to grow in mind you....) So friends I shall keep you posted on how I proceed into the new realm of being active, or something like it. And more interestingly, how God shows me Himself in that.