Settled

Much to my unexpected delight, I have managed to get everyone back-to-school with a grand total of 23 pieces of paperwork this year. I don't know why it took 51 last year, but I am not asking questions! And our only mishap was one 4th period study hall paper disappeared in all the stacks (which my middle son was highly displeased about, but I count as a success because I'm only human and it is, after all, study hall. Surely the teacher can't find a new one for me to sign.) I am thrilled to find myself this morning in my home, alone.

AAHHHHH........

I truly adore my family. But by then end of the summer, I long for the silence of a clean house. (Dirty houses feel noisy to me.)  For some reason when everyone is home, I just can't seem to get engaged in projects or cooking or cleaning very efficiently. I think I need the satisfaction of working something to completion and being able to step back and appreciate it, without children and husband puttering around me leaving trails of empty cups, socks, keys and toys. So this morning, after going at 5:30 am to the gym, I shuttled all the people out the door to school/work and then made homemade banana bread (and washed all the dishes involved!), got homemade vegetable beef soup in the crock pot for dinner and did all my meal planning/grocery list for this Friday's shop. Triumphant! It's only 11am!!

On another note, I have decided once a year I need to purchase new organizing items to reward myself for all my careful and thrifty ways. With the kids getting new notebooks and pencils and such, I felt it was a good time (plus it's all on sale right now!) so I bought a new, cute coupon keeper and decided it would be more fun to do my meal planning in a pretty journal, and I had one I haven't used at all yet, so that was free! So, mama got her own back to school supplies for a grand total of $11.83, which in light of the couple thousand I saved in coupons last year seems like a good bonus.

Hope all my mama friends with kids in school are enjoying their new school schedule as much as I am!

Jesus is not another Hat

So here is a little advice: when cleverly naming your blog, make sure you can pronounce it. Just a thought. Moving on. After recently figuring out how to pronounce Millinery, I was sharing with a few friends why I chose the name. It's a hat shop and I loved the idea of a blog to explore all the hats we wear as women and even "try a few on" by reading the experience of others. Then a thought occurred to me: what if you, my readers, have misinterpreted one aspect of my little analogy?

If you've read much of this blog at all, you are aware of my love for Jesus. That I believe the gospel has changed my life and applies to everything- at least, I hope and pray that's obvious. But, I do want to clarify one thing: Being a christian is NOT another hat we put on. You know, time to take off the wife hat and put on the Jesus hat for church on Sunday. Or time to take off the Jesus hat and put on the Soccer Mom hat on Saturday. (As a side note, what would a Jesus hat even look like? Some big feathery wide brimmed hat with a blinking WWJD on the brim and a Lifeway logo on the back?) 

If you thought I was saying Jesus is just another role we play or piece of our identity as women, I have sorely failed. Let me be clear: Jesus, in my analogy, is the hat box. Every other role we play, comes out of that box. He is not just part of my identity; all the parts of who I am are found in and through Him. 2 Peter 1:3 says we have "everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own power and goodness." He called us and he equips us to wear every hat in the shop that we wear. If I try to wear a hat (be a good wife, mom, daughter, employee, etc.) apart from my knowledge of Christ (who He is, what He says about me, what He has done for me) I may succeed but I will miss my Savior. I will instead look to one of those roles to save me, to give my life meaning, to define me. And that is a scary amount of weight to place on anything but Jesus.

Okay, thanks for letting me clarify and now with my worker hat on, I'm off to Branches. 

Titus 2 Four U - Limit Critique

In most women that I know, and in myself, there seems to be a common theme of "relational improvement". Our radars are highly tuned in to any area we can help improve for our husbands or children. We notice if they'd just: call their mom more often, ask their boss how his weekend was, quit interrupting others, sit up straighter, go in to work 30 minutes earlier, stop telling such long stories, spend a little more time with the kids one-on-one, read their bible more, eat better- THEN their lives would be so much better! So we set off on an improvement campaign to help make them the person we believe God wants them to be.

Have you ever read the book of Proverbs? I highly recommend women read this book, because it is full of practical wisdom and principals on how to live. But one thing it is also full of is cautionary descriptions of unpleasant wives. (Perhaps if Solomon had not had so many wives this would have been better... but I digress) Wives are compared to a dripping faucet, called contentious and it's said it would be better to be on the corner of a roof then live in the house with one of these "nagging" women. Now to be fair, Solomon also says finding a wife is a good thing, and then describes in chapter 31, that famous description of a wife with noble character. But on the whole, you get the feeling Solomon had endured (and watched his buddies endure), a whole lotta' nag!

"But, we're not nagging- we're helping!" A few years ago the thought occurred to me that "help" is only such if it is perceived as helpful by the recipient. In other words, would your husband and children say they feel helped or criticized? If the person I'm trying to help walks away feeling defeated, unliked or discouraged- did I accomplish my goal? And are they even likely to take my unsolicited opinion? I will freely admit, I fail often in this area. In fact, I have recently come to the conclusion that this is an area I need to focus more attention on. I had an honest discussion with my husband, that left me with the realization that more often than not, he feels criticized by my attempts to "better him".

So what's a woman to do? I'll tell you what the Lord has laid on my heart in this area, and you take what feel might be helpful for you:

1. When I notice something I want to suggest or feel concerned about: pray about it for two weeks. No bringing it up until I have fully prayed it through. Sometimes God shows me that my motives for concern are purely selfish. Sometimes the "problem" resolves itself. And then occasionally I still feel the need to discuss a concern.

2. Limit, absolutely, critique to one item per week. Once you've reached your limit, go back to #1.

3. Focus energy on praise. Studies say for every one negative, we need ten positives to balance it out. I find that whatever I focus on, expands. When I retrain my mind to be more tuned in to the good, positive, successful traits and qualities in my loved ones, the areas of concern get smaller naturally. Phillipians 4:8 tells us to think on the positive, and this applies to our view of others as well.

4. Focus heart on Christ. All throughout scripture, we are told to set our hearts on Christ. To remember Him in our day to day life. How does this help with not being a nagging wife/mom? Well, when I focus on Christ I am reminded of His great love and grace for ME! I am full of faults and flaws and sin and weakness, but Jesus doesn't constantly nit-pick me. In fact, He says His grace is sufficient for me and when I am weak, then I am strong. As I experience His grace to me, it overflows to my family. It's not saying they don't have areas they need to improve. It's realizing it's not my job to show them or condemn them for where they are currently. 

My Unusual Hobby

I spent close to two hours browsing through our local Hastings tonight. I was alone in a book store with no time limit which equals lovely in my world. As I have discussed in earlier blogs this is my year of becoming a "real" reader. So in part, my agenda was hunting down a new book for fun reading, and also hunting for bargain books to keep in my office at work. (Found both! Will report in later about how they turned out.) While I was there I made my usual trek to the cookbook aisle. I think I spent the bulk of my time scanning titles and browsing for a bargain cookbook.

A few years ago I decided I needed a hobby. Not sure why exactly, but it seemed like something I was missing. I tried crafty things- but it always felt like pressure to get something produced. I tried exercise- miserable fail. I tried collecting things- turns out I hate having too much stuff, so that was no good either. But in the course of trial and error, I discovered one thing I love to do: read cookbooks. Admittedly, this is not very "productive", but all the same I was relieved to at least identify a hobby. I have decided my love of skimming through volumes of Southern Living and Gooseberry Patch is the nurturing of my family and fond memories of my own childhood. My mom was (and still is) a wonderful homemaker. She loved to open our home to friends and folks visiting our church and cook them a meal. She would set a lovely table and prepare a full course meal regularly. There is a sweet and warm connection for me as I read recipes. I think of how I might use them- a dinner party, holiday meals with family, when having a new couple from church over for dinner or more commonly, for our family dinner night. Reading cookbooks inspires my creative side and helps me get out of the dinner rut it's true, but my real joy is imagining serving meals that keep us all at the table a little longer. Where the kids can grow up with their own "warm and fuzzies" of mom's cooking and mealtimes together.

So, I was delighted to find a Taste of Home hardback full color cookbook called Dinner on a Dime for $3.49. And for the rest of the evening, as my chores for today are done, I shall be curled up with my new cookbook and a few Milano's and a glass of milk.

Judge Not

So in the wake of the Chik-Fil-A controversy (that I will not touch in this blog or any other social media outlet) I have been pondering the subject of judging. I used to be quite judgemental in my younger years, and now I attempt to be honest and authentic without passing judgement.  I do not succeed of course, because inside all of us is the temptation to rank ourselves compared to others and decide who is "better" or "righter" (I know it's not a word but I like it, don't judge me!) We do it in marriage, friendships, work and church relationships. We do it with politics, Hollywood celebrities, homeless people and addicts. It matters not whether I know a person deeply or saw them in a TV ad, I am just as able to judge if I so choose. It's a temptation Jesus addresses in scripture with a very simple statement: Judge not, lest ye be judged. (Apparently I memorized that verse from the King James Version, which is weird because I never used the KJV) Bottom line: stop judging people! But it's so hard isn't it? It's so easy to look at someone else's mistakes, or reactions and form opinions about what they are like, why they are wrong, what they ought to do differently. Perhaps the most amusing form is those who judge the "judgers".

"I can't believe the way they are so judgemental of _______" (homeless, gays, addicts, republicans, democrats, Muslims...) "I would never act that way!" (pot, meet kettle)

What God has taught me in my years of humbling and growing in this area, is my judgement of others is usually a reflection of my lack of understanding about my own sin and need for grace. There is not a sin another person commits that when you boil it down I have not committed against God in some form. I may have never robbed a bank, but I have definitely wanted instant gratification. I may have never abused my children, but I have allowed myself to hurt others with my anger. It took me years and years of God revealing the wickedness in my heart to be able to understand that I needed grace as much as any other sinner. I find that now that I am really aware of how much I needed saving, I am so much more empathetic with others who struggle against sin and brokenness. It's hard to judge others when I see us as being in the same boat. It was during these humbling years that I stumbled upon my favorite quote about my identity: I am just a beggar, leading other beggars to the Bread of Life. -Charles Spurgeon

Motherhood Mixed

Got up this morning to the site of one very excited girl, in her new Justice top, asking to "please wear my hair down today" looking every bit as grown up as she's feeling. First day of school is always mixed for me. I love, love, love all the new school supplies and new sneakers and excitement of possibilities. I always ache a little at seeing one more year begin and my kids all growing up and away before my eyes. Yet, I feel settled that it is good and every season of motherhood brings a new joy. I have not always felt this way however.

 I remember gripping my babies tightly, not wanting to see them grow up, yet wishing for the day when we would be a "diaper free" home. I remember how I loved singing them night-night songs and tucking them in, while simultaneously longing for the day I could hug them good night from the place I had plopped down on the couch while they put themselves to bed. There are countless tasks I loved and dreaded all at the same time. I look back and think it is funny that I spent so much time in two places in my mind: enjoying the present while wishing it away for an easier future.

Over the years I have been reminded over and over, how God calls us, urges us, commands us and reminds us to live in the present. Why is it so hard to be where we are? I'm not sure I can answer for any woman other than myself, but I am seeing more clearly that I live in the future to control and to escape. I live in the past to grieve and escape. But, contentment does not exist in any place but the present. To fully embrace life, I have to train my mind to be where I am, fully present for every sorrow and joy. It is here, in this moment where God meets me and gives me grace. Where He provides insight or wisdom or peace. Where I can experience His presence.

So today on August 7, 2012 I am living at 8:43 aware that my house is quiet. Aware that my sweet girl is still little enough to snuggle with her mama, but big enough to get herself dressed. Aware that all my children are good gifts from God, and I am undeservedly blessed to be their mom. 

Titus 2 Four U- Rise Early

When you give birth to your first baby, you come home from the hospital on a whole new schedule: sleeping and feeding are what a typical day revolves around and if you manage to shower it's a bonus. For about six to eight weeks depending on your little bundle of joy, this becomes normal life. You don't need an alarm clock because the baby sets your wake up time. This works well with baby number one. As more children make their appearance, or as baby one grows, in order to function well as mama, there comes a time when the alarm clock needs to re-emerge. This lesson took me a long time to learn. I used my boys as alarm clocks forever, because they were such early risers. The main problem with this method is we were both waking up at the same time, but they responded to the arrival of morning with enthusiasm and energy. Mom responded with a groan. (Have I mentioned I am decidedly not a morning person?)

One day, and I think my kids were 9, 7 and 2 at this point, I was reading Proverbs 31 in part admiration, part irritation (yeah, but she had servants!) when it hit me that this woman was up before the rest of her family. "She rises while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls." (Proverbs 31:15) She was up and preparing for her family, which in those times revolved a lot around food. (I live in the South, and that still holds true to a large degree!) I decided that I would try as an experiment setting my alarm for 15 minutes before my earliest riser, Emma, awoke on a normal day. So, alarm set for 6 am and I began to groan my way out of bed to the coffee pot and begin my day as the earliest riser. At first it was hard, because I was just so accustomed to hitting snooze and sleeping in till I had to get up. But after a week or so, I began to see the pay off. You can accomplish so much more in 15 minutes without children around than you can in 45 minutes with them! And in reality that 15 minutes of sleep wasn't really giving me that much more rest.

Here's what I discovered could be accomplished in 15 minutes of peace and quiet: fully awake mama to greet waking children, coffee already made and one cup consumed, five minutes praying for my day, aware of what the day has in store because of checking my day planner including prep for dinner, one load of laundry started and lunches packed for school. As they got older and I began working more, I exchanged "lunches packed" for "dishwasher unloaded" and added Jesus Calling in with my prayer time. The double bonus was with all that done, I could actually visit with my kids while they ate breakfast instead of scurrying around trying to multi-task. What could you do in 15 minutes of quiet that would make your day run smoother?

As I have been in this system for several years now, I'll tell you I do not rise early on weekends if I can help it because I do really love sleeping in. So on Saturdays currently I sleep till I'm ready to get up, unless we have a commitment. This helps me care for myself and catch up on sleep I may have missed during the week. Obviously, this is a system you need to wait to use until babies are a bit older and sleeping through the night mainly. For my family, the blessing of mom rising earlier than the rest to begin our day has been huge. I would love to hear what you accomplish in your 15 minutes and what blessings you notice for yourself or kids by trying this idea!