Something New For You from Millinery

Next week begins the flurry of back-to-schoolness in our home. In our area, there are both city and county schools, which results in two different school calendars. Additionally I have two high schoolers in different schools, and an elementarian so we've got three different room meetings/orientations/sets of paperwork. (I'm not bitter but I did count papers last year and there were 51 separate sheets needing to be signed....ok, I'm a little bitter.) So, this year I have done a better job of prepping ahead of time for the upcoming year and I am actually excited to get everyone back in school and settled into a routine again.  As I have mentioned before, I am a "hamster on a wheel" kind of gal, so I thrive in structure. My husband is more "out of the box" than most, so in the summer I relax a lot to let us all breathe and chill.

As I have been praying this week for our city and our country in general, I have been thinking a lot about the verses that instruct the "older women to train the younger women...." (Titus 2:4) and how blessed I have been in my life to have had generous, kind, wise women to teach me and encourage me when I was a new mom and a young wife. I still love learning from my two mom's who I have recently had some good discussions with about teenagers. But as I listen to women in my office or just friends at church, one sad reality I see over and over, is many young mom's and wives do not have older women to guide them or mentor them. Many women my age don't have it either for that matter. I think in part that is why I began this blog- as a way to share so much of the wisdom and sound practical advice I have been given with others. So, as I have been praying, I see a few areas where women tend to struggle in managing their homes or loving their husbands/children and I am going to do a new weekly feature called Titus 2 Four U, on Sundays. I am excited to use that day to share ideas, scripture and insight I have gained over 16 years of mothering, 17 years of wifery and 5 years of counseling. Be prepared to hear my mistakes because that is mainly how we gain wisdom! And as always, feel free to let me know topics you'd like to hear about in this area. 

August 2nd

Tomorrow, August 2nd, is one of the more important days in my life every year. It is the day God gave life to  the little baby boy who would one day grow up to be the other half of my heart. I could tell you so many stories of who he is and why God brought him to me, but here is one of my favorites:

When we began our dating relationship I was a broken, but hopeful, single mama. I had recently gone through the very painful process of divorce and was still a bit wary of trusting any man besides God. However I am not a cynic by nature so dating was fun and exciting, just a little scary. We met on-line before anyone did that sort of thing so we had been talking via computer for 6 weeks before we finally went on a date in person. During six weeks of talking we had covered a lot of ground. Family history, views on God and theology, football, past romantic relationship highs and lows- you know, all the stuff you talk about when beginning. One little fact he had shared was his toenails had fungus that he couldn't get rid of. I logged it into my brain, but really didn't think much of it. My thighs have cellulite I can't seem to get rid of either, so that's a wash. But, it must have been weighing more heavily on him, because we were in person on our first date weekend, and were stopping to sit on a bench by a lake when he took off his shoes. "There they are, you may as well see them now" as he pointed to his toes. I have to tell you, I think I might have fallen in love right then. Who does that? Throws off the mask and reveals their insecurities so casually on a first date? Not me back then, I can tell you. I had spent hours picking the perfect camouflage for my faults and failures. But he just sat there grinning. I know I laughed at him, and assessed the toes (so not a big deal, and just to report he took meds and got rid of that stuff later- he will want that piece shared!) but I think inside I knew this was the man for me. I needed someone who was willing to be honest, even if it was a risk. I needed someone confident enough in Christ to take risks, but humble enough to admit he wasn't perfect. And I needed someone to make me laugh. I had cried a river in the year before I met Scott. And I have laughed more in the 11 years we've been together than all the years before put together.

So Happy Birthday my wonderful husband! I am ever so grateful you were born, so that you could grow up to be mine. 

Summer Wrap Up

Here are some bits of thought from the last two weeks of my summer, in no particular order, that I found to be interesting upon pondering them:

a. If you choose to look at your husband's behavior from the viewpoint of how you want him to look at yours you are often able to offer more grace (and by you I mean me)

b. It's really hard to raise teenagers, especially if you are unwilling to be humble and apologize when you screw up.

c. Getting a sweet card in the mail is such a delightful treat in this cyber era.

d. Back to school shopping involves buying new summer clothes, which is weird and not as fun.

e. High school football is unbelievably tough on a 14 year olds body! He looks like he got in a wreck from the knees down.

f. Making the decision to get up at 5:30 am to go the the Y to work out may have been delusional.

g. I miss my oldest son now that he has a car. School starting means I get to see him more and I am looking forward to that, with an increased awareness that the clock is ticking down on my time left with him at home.

h. I get more insecure around tan women. weird and true.

i. So many people believe that God just wants them to be happy, even though this idea never appears in scripture.

j. Finding joy in God's providence at all times is a challenge. A good challenge like searching for hidden treasure.

k. Approaching fall always makes me want to read cookbooks. It's a good time to break out of a cooking rut plus I like "fall food" such as apple bread, and chili and spiced cider.

l. I am getting more and more cranky with noise as I age. I think I should start wearing ear plugs at home as a general rule.

m. Having friends who know how to fix cars is an incredible blessing. When making new friends you should consider pre-screening for this quality. (just kidding about the last part. kind of.)

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Last month I had my second subpoena to appear in court for my job as a counselor. Having only been one time before, which went well considering I was quite nervous, I felt more confident about this particular case. I do not like going to court mind you. But, as I DO like being free to go about my life, I obey subpoena's. So this is just my story of how you never really know something until you do.

I arrived at the courthouse at 8:45 am, scheduled for 9 am, and feeling good about my timing. I remembered my cell, keys, planner and client case file. Last time in court I learned you can't bring any kind of purse or bag, so you carry everything in a big pile with you. I went to the courtroom listed on the subpoena, and took a seat. I've never met the particular attorney who called me to court, so I begin scanning for my client. No sign of them, so I settle in and observe the people. That alone was both sad and funny depending on who I was watching. A few minutes tick by. It's now 8:50 and the courtroom is filling up. I am sandwiched in between two men in a back row and mildly uncomfortable, but also becoming nervous about not seeing my client. I'm in the room it listed, right? I debate with myself about getting up to crawl over the people in my row and the potential of losing my seat, but at 8:55 with no sign of my client, I am certain I have made a mistake but don't know what it is. I mumble "excuse me's" and inch my way out of the row and exit the room. Yep, that's the room listed, but where are they? I make a quick call to the attorney's office and explain my dilemma to the receptionist, who tells me I need to find a clerk to tell me what room the case has been assigned to (what?), and the clerk's office is probably on the 3rd floor. So I make a mad dash up one flight of stairs to find a clerk, thinking A- why is there a blasted room listed on the subpoena anyway and B- why did I wear these unbelievably tall heels?! I find the clerk thankfully and it's now 9 am. I'm late. And there are two men in line in front of me who, no kidding, are speaking slower than any humans I have ever heard. Tick, tick, tick. At 9:05 I'm feeling panicked. I don't know what happens when you are late for court and it certainly can't look good to the judge. I finally interrupt the slow-talkers and explain my problem. Ah, yes, your courtroom is on the 5th floor. Stairs are faster than the elevator.  I thank the clerk, who really looked more like a grandma than whatever I pictured a clerk looking like, and ran up two flights of stairs, causing me to break a sweat but not my neck. I see the other courtroom and realize there are only the defendant and my client and other witnesses in the courtroom. Great, no way to slip in unnoticed. I walk in trying to not huff and puff and look somewhat composed, and everyone (judge included) stops to look at me. Weak smile, mumbled apology. The attorney for my client leans toward and whispers, And you are....? I tell him my name and he looks relieved and asks the judge for a few minutes to confer with his expert witness who was in the wrong courtroom.

Sigh. Not my most shining moment. Well, unless you count the shine on my forehead from running up three flights of stairs. Because as we all know, unless there's a bear chasing me, I don't run. But I suppose I will have to amend that sentence now to include "a bear chasing me OR late for court". So girls, learn from my minor fiasco: a. wear comfy shoes to court b. find a clerk and never believe the subpoena c. bring extra powder just in case.

Facing the "E" word

Yo-yo-ing is the best way to describe my health and fitness journey.  I have spent years outsmarting my love of foods and disdain for exercise with clever little tricks, but they always leave me in a state of flux. I have to tell you, thankfully and gratefully, my parents did a wonderful job of helping me with my sense of self, and thus I arrived in the real world feeling pretty cute and loved. I realize many women do not share that particular part of my story and my heart aches for those who simply cannot see how beautiful God created them to be. But for me, I truly do not struggle on a regular basis with body image. Oh sure, every so often while shopping under fluorescent lights I begin to panic over some trouble spot I notice. But I generally think, "hey- not bad for 38 and three kids...." when looking in the mirror, and since I am not a perfectionist, "not bad" is good enough for me! As a result, after giving birth to my third baby, I had a considerable amount of unneeded weight left over. (I ate an inordinate amount of fast food during that pregnancy. I have never been that tired in my whole life and I napped every day from 3-5pm so we ate out a lot! Terrible but true.)  The truth is, without appearance as a motivator, I tend to make unhealthy choices. I love rich, cheesy, salty food. I love chocolate. I love flavored coffee creamer and Indian food and ice cream. I also deeply dislike exercise. I was never an athlete, and not for lack of effort. There were way too many "last picks" for the kick ball team in my childhood due to my general lack of athletic ability, and plus I just don't like getting sweaty. Or getting hit by balls. (whoever named it a softball obviously never got hit in the eye with one!) Bottom line, I am not set up internally to age well without an intervention. After the third baby, I decided it was time to shed the extra and worked out faithfully for a year with a friend at the YMCA. I was an elliptical queen. Once I was down to a reasonable size for good health and personal comfort, I made a decision. Throw out all the bigger sized clothes AND never buy a bigger size again. When the clothes stop fitting, time to watch the calories for awhile. And since I truly loathe the feeling of being a sausage stuffed into my clothing, this is a boundary that has worked for weight management for 7+ years. However, recently I'm coming to the conclusion that this boundary isn't really working wonders for my overall health. While it does keep me in a healthy range which is one factor in wellness, it really doesn't do much else. No heart health, no muscle tone, no flexibility and no endurance. Annoying, but true. It seems as I have my eye on 40, I am going to have to face my dread and found a boundary that I can live with regarding exercise. Sigh.

This past week at work during our staff meeting we were all sharing something God was showing us in our lives right now. (perks of working at a christian counseling center!) I was talking about how I am becoming aware that God wants me to be thankful for his providence in each situation I face. For a time at work, I was low on hours (equaling low on money) and I kept asking God to fill my schedule. Now I am slammed crazy busy, and I am asking God for time. Instead of seeing that low hours was His provision of time in my life, and busy schedule is His provision of finances. So in keeping with that theme, I'm asking God how my lack of love for fitness IS His provision in some way...... Here is what I see so far: it is his provision for growth in self discipline, and for humility. (These are not areas I am ever really excited to grow in mind you....) So friends I shall keep you posted on how I proceed into the new realm of being active, or something like it. And more interestingly, how God shows me Himself in that.

Listening Well

There is no denying that if you put a big group of women in a room there will soon be chatter. Laughter. More talking, with a rising volume. Hugging and occasional tears. Women, by and large, are pretty skilled at expressing. It's how we bond in general, and talking is a huge part of that. There are lots of books written on how to communicate in healthy ways, and admittedly,  not all the talking that goes on with women is godly or good. Gossip, sarcasm, lying, image management and complaining are all ways we can misuse our "gift of gab". And certainly there are women who struggle to communicate at all. But, as a general rule I think we focus a lot on the expressing part of communication. There is a flip side, and it's one that I am constantly challenged in.

Listening. This would be the receiving part of communication and I will freely admit I do not always do it well.  James 1:19 says we "should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry..." yet so often I am quick to speak, slow to listen and quick to become irritated/annoyed/offended (ie. angry). So, as I have been praying for God to help me learn the art of listening, here are a few things He has been teaching me:

1. Just hold your tongue. (literally if necessary!) When someone is talking to you, wait before responding. Let there be a minute of silence. Think about what you need to say before you respond. In that silence, a very cool thing often happens- the person talking begins to share something more, sometimes deeper in their heart, than what you just heard. It gives you more insight into them before giving your thoughts, advice, opinions. And it gives you time to process what they are saying. This one I do well at work, but poorly with my family, so I am really working on it!

2. Ask questions. Jesus was the master question asker! People would ask him a question and he'd pose one back to them. It's an excellent way to allow others to come to a good conclusion without "telling" them what to do or how to do it. It's also a good way to eliminate assuming or your end. Often we think we know what someone meant until we ask a few questions. What makes you say that? What do you think God thinks about that? How long have you been feeling that way? What has worked well in the past for you in this area? How do you feel about that? How can I help? 


3. Reflect back what you heard. It's also called clarifying and it's shocking how many times I think I know what someone is telling me until I do this. It would sound something like: So, what I hear you saying is...... or What I think you are telling me is..... The key to this is reflecting it back and then allowing them to restate or rephrase if you don't have it quite right.

4. Don't "take away" what God may be saying. Often because we love our friends and family, we try to make them feel better when they share a struggle. In that effort, we may try to convince them they are not feeling a certain way or experiencing a specific issue. If a friend says, "I just feel like I'm a terrible mom" don't answer with "Oh no, you aren't!" Maybe they are struggling to love their kids and need some help. Or if someone says "I'm so depressed" don't say "You have tons of reasons to be happy!" to try to cheer them up. Go back and try numbers 1-3 first.

Is it school time yet?

I can tell it's time for school to start back. I go through the same symptoms every year- it's like clock work and similar to catching a cold. First I start noticing irritation with my floors always being so grubby. Then I begin to feel a constant pressure to get people moving doing something because everyone seems to be stagnating in pj's all day. Then I find myself frustrated by a constant last minute plan being thrown at me by a teenager to spend the night out or have a friend over with the mantra "c'mon mom- it's summer!" tacked on to deflect my resistance. Finally I begin to want to go to bed earlier and make every one else follow suit. Yes indeed girls, this mama has summeritis!

It's such a funny progression from relief to frustration back to relief every year. By May I am so completely "over" the school routine. We all are ready for a break and we sleep in late (by we I mean the children of course, the cat and I are still usually up!) don't make our beds, we eat late dinners and disregard bedtimes in general. It's delightful initially. Then slowly but surely relief gives way to messes. Lots of messes. And foodlessness. If you don't know about this condition it's when you are robbed of food by constantly hungry teenagers who eat at meal times and in between meal times and after meal times. Then I notice an internal feeling of being unsettled over the lack of structure. Are the kids getting their vitamins in the summer? Is Emma getting enough sleep? Am I requiring the boys be helpful and responsible enough? What are they all doing while I'm at work and they're sitting at home?

So as the back-to-school shopping ad's begin to appear, I find myself eagerly anticipating the return of "normal" and the break from our "break".