Listening Well

There is no denying that if you put a big group of women in a room there will soon be chatter. Laughter. More talking, with a rising volume. Hugging and occasional tears. Women, by and large, are pretty skilled at expressing. It's how we bond in general, and talking is a huge part of that. There are lots of books written on how to communicate in healthy ways, and admittedly,  not all the talking that goes on with women is godly or good. Gossip, sarcasm, lying, image management and complaining are all ways we can misuse our "gift of gab". And certainly there are women who struggle to communicate at all. But, as a general rule I think we focus a lot on the expressing part of communication. There is a flip side, and it's one that I am constantly challenged in.

Listening. This would be the receiving part of communication and I will freely admit I do not always do it well.  James 1:19 says we "should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry..." yet so often I am quick to speak, slow to listen and quick to become irritated/annoyed/offended (ie. angry). So, as I have been praying for God to help me learn the art of listening, here are a few things He has been teaching me:

1. Just hold your tongue. (literally if necessary!) When someone is talking to you, wait before responding. Let there be a minute of silence. Think about what you need to say before you respond. In that silence, a very cool thing often happens- the person talking begins to share something more, sometimes deeper in their heart, than what you just heard. It gives you more insight into them before giving your thoughts, advice, opinions. And it gives you time to process what they are saying. This one I do well at work, but poorly with my family, so I am really working on it!

2. Ask questions. Jesus was the master question asker! People would ask him a question and he'd pose one back to them. It's an excellent way to allow others to come to a good conclusion without "telling" them what to do or how to do it. It's also a good way to eliminate assuming or your end. Often we think we know what someone meant until we ask a few questions. What makes you say that? What do you think God thinks about that? How long have you been feeling that way? What has worked well in the past for you in this area? How do you feel about that? How can I help? 


3. Reflect back what you heard. It's also called clarifying and it's shocking how many times I think I know what someone is telling me until I do this. It would sound something like: So, what I hear you saying is...... or What I think you are telling me is..... The key to this is reflecting it back and then allowing them to restate or rephrase if you don't have it quite right.

4. Don't "take away" what God may be saying. Often because we love our friends and family, we try to make them feel better when they share a struggle. In that effort, we may try to convince them they are not feeling a certain way or experiencing a specific issue. If a friend says, "I just feel like I'm a terrible mom" don't answer with "Oh no, you aren't!" Maybe they are struggling to love their kids and need some help. Or if someone says "I'm so depressed" don't say "You have tons of reasons to be happy!" to try to cheer them up. Go back and try numbers 1-3 first.

Is it school time yet?

I can tell it's time for school to start back. I go through the same symptoms every year- it's like clock work and similar to catching a cold. First I start noticing irritation with my floors always being so grubby. Then I begin to feel a constant pressure to get people moving doing something because everyone seems to be stagnating in pj's all day. Then I find myself frustrated by a constant last minute plan being thrown at me by a teenager to spend the night out or have a friend over with the mantra "c'mon mom- it's summer!" tacked on to deflect my resistance. Finally I begin to want to go to bed earlier and make every one else follow suit. Yes indeed girls, this mama has summeritis!

It's such a funny progression from relief to frustration back to relief every year. By May I am so completely "over" the school routine. We all are ready for a break and we sleep in late (by we I mean the children of course, the cat and I are still usually up!) don't make our beds, we eat late dinners and disregard bedtimes in general. It's delightful initially. Then slowly but surely relief gives way to messes. Lots of messes. And foodlessness. If you don't know about this condition it's when you are robbed of food by constantly hungry teenagers who eat at meal times and in between meal times and after meal times. Then I notice an internal feeling of being unsettled over the lack of structure. Are the kids getting their vitamins in the summer? Is Emma getting enough sleep? Am I requiring the boys be helpful and responsible enough? What are they all doing while I'm at work and they're sitting at home?

So as the back-to-school shopping ad's begin to appear, I find myself eagerly anticipating the return of "normal" and the break from our "break".

Conviction

God does not pin himself down to one method of working in our lives. Take for example conviction: the awareness that you are/have been out of God's will for your life in one area or another. Sometimes I feel conviction through listening to teaching at our church service.  Sometimes I feel it through reading my Bible or prayer. Sometimes as I worship God in song I feel it. Other times it's from listening to a friend challenge me, or even confess her own struggles.

Or tonight, through my child reflecting back to me what she experiences in her life as I mother her.

I sent Emma up to her room to get jammified and into bed and told her I'd be up soon. About 5 or 6 minutes later I noticed her milling around the living room in her jammies. So I called her to me and gave her a little hug and said "Are you having a hard time obeying mommy tonight? Or is something else going on?' She mumbled a bit and I said "Honey, something is going on because I asked you to get in bed and you're not. What's up?" "Well, I was just wondering when you would be coming up to tuck me in?" (this made sense to me as Emma gets a little nervous being upstairs at night sometimes.) So I said, "Oh, well you could have just asked me that. That's no big deal. I'll be up in 5." I gave her a big hug and felt pretty good about my mothering in that moment. I was patient. (check) Didn't raise my voice. (check) Got to the issue without drama. (check) While busy congratulating myself on being such a good mom, I looked up to see her with big tears in her eyes, and she said "Well sometimes you're cranky with me about asking things like that." Patting self on the back comes to a screeching halt. My sweet girl has tears of relief that mommy wasn't cranky with her this time.

Yep, just a reminder that I'm not able to live up to perfect. Or holy. Or good. The truth is I'm selfish, but because of Jesus death in my place, my record says I'm not. I get the credit for his righteousness. How amazing is that?

When I was younger I would experience conviction like this:

conviction + guilt = shame

Now that God has been helping me understand grace more and more it looks like this:

conviction - guilt = gratitude


So needless to say, I had to confess and apologize to my girl for being selfish and impatient. I told her our conversation had inspired a blog and she was pleased about that. And I am humbled once again by my own inability to be good, but grateful for the One who was good enough to cancel my debt forever.