I'm Moving, Please come with Me!

Hello wonderful friends who take time to read all my ramblings!

Good news: I shall still be posting all my little bloggity blogs!

Better News: It will be on a new site that is supposed to be better for me to really add some fun aspects to my blog I'm currently limited on.

Bad News: It'll probably take me till Jesus comes back to figure out how to do all those fun things, so presumably the blog will feel the same to you for quite some time. Apologies in advance for our little Millinery site being well, slightly behind the curve in cool technology. I'm just not that kind of girl, much to my dismay.

So dear friends, come on over and follow me at my new site:

http://millineryblog.wordpress.com

I promise it'll just feel like when your favorite little shop moves into a nicer little space!

Bathing Suit Support Groups- An Idea Whose Time Has Come

I have already ventured into the abyss of Lycra and under wires and tropical prints twice this year already. Twice. There were drones of other women, all desperately looking for the last suit in a size 10, or something that will hide all the flaws while simultaneously reveal a slimmer figure. It was not madness exactly. More like resigned fortitude. Must.Get.New.Bathing.Suit. I swear I heard some muffled sobs coming from one dressing room followed by an expletive or two. One woman almost called 9-1-1 after being unable to extract herself from the contraption she had wriggled into (that may or may not have been me.)

Yes, ladies, Bathing Suit Shopping is upon us, unless you were lucky enough to find a decent suit in the past year to tide yourself over. My current swimsuit situation is as follows: one very cute brown tankini that mostly contains me, but is also incredibly faded  AND one maroon one piece with a bandeau style halter top that causes a searing headache from the halter being tied too tight, which is needed for, you guessed it, containment. So, in light of my current dilemma, I will once again venture into the abyss to search for a suit next week.

Here is my proposal, and I am telling you, Dillards or Target or whatever retailer decides to catch on would rake in a fortune if they followed my idea:

What we need is Bathing Suit Shopping Support Groups! For real. Group women together based on sizes and life stages. The "never given births" have differing issues than the "had 2 babies and over 40's" but let's face it- ALL women could use a cheering section while going through this yearly ordeal.They could turn off all the overhead fluorescent lighting, which as we all know makes the most lovely complexion look garish, and replace them with lamps. Also, offering an assortment of snacks and perhaps a little wine, to take the edge off, would be delightful. But here is where I think my idea goes from clever to genius: when we emerge from a dressing room in a potential suit, and ask "does this make my thighs looks fat/my butt look big/my middle look too roly poly?" the resounding answer from your own personal support group is "WHO CARES?" Because you know what we don't need? A bunch of false compliments, or distorted reality. We don't need to find the One Suit to Rule Them All. (yep, Lord of the Rings reference. apologies.) We don't need to believe better things about our bodies- we need to believe different things about our bodies. We need an altered perspective on the importance we place on how we look! So let me say it to you sisters- YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR BODY! Your worth is not based on how well you rock a bikini! I don't care what society, your husband, your boyfriend or your friends think- God created you as he wanted you to be. He gave you a body to take care of, to use for loving and serving others and to enjoy. None of us are perfect stewards of any gift God gives us, and if you haven't taken care of your body in the way you think is responsible, then you can work on that, but you don't have to hide in shame! And let's face it, a lot of what we aren't happy with are parts we can't change anyway, and represent no failure on our parts.

So if you need to go shopping over the next week, grab a couple of women friends, invade the dressing room and tell each other the truth: how you look is not all that important- who you ARE in Christ is what matters. And you are lovely- really, you are. It is impossible for a creation of the King to not contain some piece of His image, some reflection of His love and goodness. And that makes you more beautiful to behold than "a perfect 10" will ever be.

Don't Forget Your Hair Spray, and 5 Other Ways to Enjoy Get-AwayswithYour Husband

We just got back from a little " in town, get away" anniversary adventure. It was the best 24 hours I have spent in months. Some couples are excellent at money management, conflict resolution or DIY house projects. The hubs and I have decided "Celebrating" is one of our strengths as a couple. Now before you chalk us up as "low skills" I'd like to point out that many couples have disappointing date nights, vacations and holidays together. Why? Because it actually takes a certain perspective and a little bit of skill to do well in these areas, especially once you throw a few kiddos in the mix.

So in honor of Wedding season, and inevitably, anniversary season, here are my pointers to learn to be "Happy Celebrators in Marital Bliss":

1. Plan your dates together for the big occasions. Now, I know this takes a bit of the romance out of having the husband whisk you away to a charming B &B for two nights, but let's face it: he's probably not going to do that. Maybe once in your married life. But think of all those other occasions you were hoping he would read your mind and just know, that you really wanted to take a hot air ballon ride, go camping, try that new sushi place around the corner, and somehow, mysteriuosly you ended up at Olive Garden. Again. Talking about what you both want to do, think you can afford, etc. leads to a more fulfilling experience for you both.

2. Ditch the Hollywood High expectations. You already know in your day in, day out life, marriage is more normal than epic, more regular than extraordinary. But somehow on important celebrations, we revert into thinking this one night will be magic and fireworks and somehow both your bodies will shape shift into a thinner and younger version of who you currently are. And we find ourselves disappointed in an otherwise lovely evening simply because it was not glamorous enough. No one moment can live up to that kind of pressure, nor can one person. You'll both have so much more fun if you expect it to feel like a date night, not a scene from Titanic.

3. Plan your child care way ahead of time and come up with a back up plan for if the kids get sick. Waiting till the week of your big date is too much stress. By the time you get it all figured out you'll be stressed out and not able to enjoy the evening. This is a great time to point out that part of having community in your life is to support you. Marriages need to be nurtured, and celebrating anniversaries, birth day's and such is one way to nurture them. So, find another family in your community and commit to swap kids for each others anniversary.

4. Do things out of order. Typical date night for a married couple looks like dinner, maybe a movie, pick kids up from sitter, come home and then attempt to enjoy the less clothed part of celebrating. But, who says it has to go in that order? For most couples the struggle to have a happy sex life has to do with a. never being alone in the house and b. being too tired. Mix things up!

5. Do one thing to feel more attractive than usual. Date nights are supposed to be more special than "meatloaf Wednesday" so wear your hair in your  favorite style, paint your toes, put on the good perfume. And certainly, do something you know your husband likes as well. If you're always in pants but he loves you in a skirt, wear one! This is great time to borrow from your friends closets. There's no need to buy a new outfit, especially if you can't afford it, but a cute pair of shoes or a different top, go a long way to feeling special and pretty.

6. For overnight trips: bring some snacks for your hotel room, air freshener for the bathroom, the cutest lingerie you have (no borrowing on that one!) and for heaven's sake don't forget your hair products like I did this weekend! I scrounged a clear ponytail holder and one bobby pin from the bottom of my purse, but had no mousse, hair spray or even a comb. Luckily the hotel had both a hair dryer and comb. It was not my best hair day, but that leads to number seven....

7. Remember to laugh and be silly together! No talking about bills, kids, stress or problems in the relationship. This is a time to reminisce, to enjoy, to delight. We always talk about our memories from our wedding weekend on our anniversary, but we also talk about mishaps and calamities that we can laugh at in hindsight. We usually talk about where we see growth in our relationship and how God has answered prayers in the past year.  We hold hands, we kiss at dinner, we tell each other how happy we are to be "us".

Till Death Do Us Part is a Sneaky Vow

It's Anniversary Week for my darling husband and I so naturally I am in full on reminisce mode. We had such a blissful dating, engagement and wedding process. Truly lovely with lots of humor and a little romance and oodles of joy. Makes me smile just to think about it. We were one of those couples who wrote our own vows. I worked diligently to memorize mine, so as to recite them flawlessly during our ceremony. And I did, unless becoming so choked with tears I couldn't speak doesn't count as flawless. The husband, who doesn't really like memorizing things, glanced at his before the ceremony. He said several wonderful things about leading me as Christ leads him but at some point got stuck and ended on, "I just love you so much. Just a lot. I just do." At which point I gave our officiant a look that said, He's done here. Put him out of his misery. We then exchanged rings and recited the traditional ring vows which end with "till death do us part."

Till death do us part. It's always been kind of a morbid thought to me that we talk about death in our wedding ceremonies. I mean, I understand the idea- we're committing to love the person as long as we're both physically available. However, when you're all dressed in white and lace and flowers, bringing up death has always felt out of place. And, it seems like something that will happen far into the future. But as my marriage has taught me, and continues to teach me, if I want to be around to love when we're 90 and almost done with this life, I better get used to a lot of dying in the present. There is just no other relationship that asks me to die to myself as often and as deeply as marriage. In the beginning, it's not so hard. Sure, it's annoying to have to compromise on so many decisions I used to make alone, but it's manageable. That's because you aren't dying yet. You know you're dying to yourself when there is no way to compromise. You can't live in two different cities at the same time. You can't save and spend the same dollar or go home and go away on the same holiday. One of you will get your way, and one of you will die. But even those moments can be shuffled about in your mind and kept track of who has given in, how many times to even it out. To keep things fair. But then there come the hard moments. The times where there is no way to make it right, to even it out or pay it back. When one of you sins against the other. When you are both in pain and grief and someone has to be the first to reach out. When apologies are needed, but not offered and yet love still needs to be exchanged. These are the moments you really have to die to yourself in order to love. They feel almost impossible at times. My pride and selfishness are so hard wired into my nature. My need to be validated or be right or be better threaten my ability to love often. The only way I have found to really die to myself is to remember the one who died to Himself for me. When there wasn't a way to make up for my mistakes, to even the score, He made the first move. He willingly laid down his perfect life in exchange for my sinful one.

So on this wedding anniversary, I am focusing on the cost of real love. It is not cheap. It is not easy. It doesn't always flow like a love song. But in the moments of surrender, sacrifice and serving- there I get a glimpse of my Lord's love for me. And there I find that God changes my heart toward my husband and my marriage so that even in death, I see life renewed. 

Glimpses are my Manna

I am, as I've been posting, in a new and uncharted season in my mothering. Two teenage boys and one ten year old girl and me, trying to figure out how much to let go- how much to reign in. In the midst of this strange new parenting world, I find myself unsure and unsteady in my role. I recognize failure at times. I see the tension mount between me and both boys as we all try to learn how to relate to each other and yet maintain the feeling of normal. It is in these times I long to see God's grace for me and for my kids, to comfort me as we journey and unintentionally bruise each other's hearts along the way.

In the Old Testament God gave His children a very literal portion of provision, manna, as food on a daily basis during their wandering in the wilderness phase. I'm presuming Moses shared some of my feelings about being in a new and uncharted place as they wandered around trying to find the promised land. God gave them this manna for nourishment, on a practical level. But on a deeper level, it was a way of reminding them that they were utterly dependent on Him to survive. Because, let's face it, you cannot make food fall from the sky! (Total side note, I have always loved the book Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs! Moving on....) So every day, God provided His grace to sustain His children in the form of manna on the ground for them to collect and prepare meals for their families. The only caveat was each person could only collect enough to feed their family for the day. Not for a week, or month. In fact, if they took more than one day's worth it would rot. God knew the tendency to be fearful about the future and try to create false security in stockpiling was very real, so he provided a way to keep His children from indulging that fear.

Yesterday, I got some manna. The hardest part of letting go is not always recognizing the person in front of me. Feeling disconnected and out of the loop of their life. Not knowing why they are responding in a certain way, or what the look on their face really means is difficult when you have studied intently each child from the moment they were placed in your arms in order that you might love them well. So, often I find myself tearful or down because a "normal" parenting moment has become tense and strange and I walk away, not sure if I caused a problem or if the parenting simply highlighted my child's heart issues, or if this is all just the inevitable course of growing up. But yesterday, I got a glimpse of reconnecting. A picture of what we really are below the teenage mood swings and parental tension. It was a normal evening, nothing unusual, and yet for some reason my middle was in a light hearted mood and seemed to want to interact with my husband I. We got some dinner together and he had us both laughing at his antics and even spent some time chatting about his thoughts on various topics. It the feeling of exhaling when you didn't know you had been holding your breath- unexpected relief and comfort. Later my oldest volunteered to be helpful with some things I needed for my yard sale. While making signs he shared about his newfound love for reading God's word. Another glimpse. Inside his head and heart where I do not always have access, God is doing His amazing work of transformation and He let me catch a quick glance at it.

These little glimpses into the unseen work of God sustain me. When parenting involves discipline and I feel the loss of closeness to my children in their anger, they help me to remember why I keep at it. When I fail and wonder if my children will be completely screwed up by my mistakes, they remind me that God is sustaining them too. When I wonder what it will be like in he future, I am reminded to only ask for enough for today, because today is all I am promised, and trying to secure the future will pull me away from my Sustainer into Self-Sufficency. There was a time in my life where being showered with gifts or expressions of love on Mother's Day felt paramount. But for now, all I ask for is another glimpse into the harvest God promises He yields from seeds of faithfulness sewn into my children. 

The Inconvenient Signs of Life

Currently no one in the family is allowed to answer or open the front door. Not because there is anything wrong with our door mind you. No, the cause of this unusual ban are six tiny, speckled eggs. In a nest. In my front door floral arrangement. On the one hand, I just have to say kudos to the bird  for building such a solid, compact little place to incubate your babies. On the other hand, it's totally annoying to not access our front door until these birds hatch, for fear of mama abandoning the nest with all the opening and closing of our door. It's a real inconvenience, yet I do it for the sake of six little baby birds who I figure should have a shot at life in spite of the fact that their parents need a new realtor.

Life is full of inconveniences, isn't it? Crumbs on the floor, crumbs on the stairs, cat hair on the carpet, spills any and everywhere, papers to be signed, repairmen to be called, bills to be paid and on and on. Do you know what the common denominator is in most inconveniences? People. I have decided it's possible to live a neat, tidy and orderly life. It's just not possible with other people in it. Just as blood pumping through my veins is proof I am alive, these inconveniences show the metaphorical pulse that my life, is indeed full of life. Not only that, they show me that there is more to life than my short term comfort and security. It is through the inconveniences that God burns the selfishness, immaturity and pride out me so I am ready to sacrifice for, battle with and love deeply the people He has put around me.

I'll post a picture of our front door guest's arrival, but in the mean time, if you need something, come on by and meet me at the mudroom.

Saving Sanity - Seven Ways to Make it Through Tough Moments

Let's face it girls- some days it's just hard to keep it all together. You know those days where you squeeze into pants that are too snug, after over sleeping by 15 minutes so you get out the door just in time to hit all the horrible traffic, while leaving behind a sink full of last night's dishes, an unmade bed, wet laundry still in the washer (that will smell funny by the time you get home) and your wallet, which you forgot on the dresser.

Or days where your kids are totally ungrateful, disrespectful and downright ornery while you are trying to find a way to salvage the dinner you just burned after reading the email that your checking account over drafted because you had unexpected car repairs and medical bills in the same week.

And sometimes, even though you know deep down this is not stuff that matters in the big picture of life, it feels like all you can see is Polaroid snapshots, not panoramic views. And it is at precisely these times when you must keep handy a little list of ways to stay sane on days that are not. Here is my list:

1. Breathe deep. 10 deep breaths slow and steady. It clears your brain, slows your heart rate, improves your oxygen sat's and lowers your blood pressure.

2. Laugh. There's no excuse with YouTube and Netflix to not have something funny to watch. Laughter is good medicine. I personally laugh at my kids, my husband and Brian Regan- my favorite comedian. Ooh and Tim Hawkins singing. And also Strongbad. And Ask-A-Ninja. Or in a pinch, like say if your Internet is down, you can imagine that the squirrels are arch enemies. And some speak in English accents and some in Mexican accents. And they trash talk each other for intimidation. (Clearly I have a lot of days I need to laugh....)

3. Baseball Bat Therapy. This is a fabulous way to get rid of pent up frustration and stress. Get a baseball bat. Find a big tree. Make sure it's in your yard. Beat the heck out of it. Trust me on this- feels.so.good.

4. Sing to Jesus. On days when what you know to be true, simply doesn't feel true, worship lets you focus on the only One who can help you reconnect to truth. He is sovereign, He is faithful, He loves you, He has saved you, He is constant, He is working all things together for your good and His glory. I personally have learned if I will sing to Him, really worship Him- it transforms my heart and renews my mind.

5. Talk to Another Woman. When you're on the brink of completely flipping out over running out of nail polish remover, or your kid's messy room or a voice mail your mother left you- this is no time to involve men or small children. Only another woman can talk you off that precarious ledge without making you feel completely unfit for human interaction. Some issues in life defy logic. The need to have women in your life who understand and can tactfully, ever so carefully, calm you down is paramount. "You are planning to throw the entire dinner into the front yard and make your family eat it like the wolves that they are? Well, of course, of course. But......they probably won't eat it, ungrateful people that they are, and then they'll be whining about how hungry they are later. Sooooo, maybe just go ahead and serve it to them at the table and go get in the bath while they eat. And, you know, perhaps you should just not speak to anyone until like, oh say, next Tuesday. I mean, just to teach them a lesson, and ahem, prevent any calls to the authorities."

6. Keep a stash of really good chocolate hidden for these moments. This requires no further explanation.

7. Pray and Journal. Lamentations says to "pour out your heart like water before The Lord" and sometimes I can do this in my mind. But sometimes my mind is so jumbled, it helps to write my prayers down. And even just write down all the stresses and hurts and worries and then pray about them. This is different from worship slightly. While worshipping I focus on who God is.
In prayer I tell Him who I am and allow Him refine, redirect or mold those beliefs so they are in line
with what the gospel teaches me.

So, these are mine. Tried and true. What keeps you sane when life feels crazy?

Who's the responsible adult around here?

I heard a shocking statistic a week or so ago. Psychologists say that in America the phase of "adolescence" has now been extended into the early 30's for a majority of people. There are a variety of causes and that friends, is a whole discussion for another day. But essentially what this means is we have a whole bunch of adults who still behave, believe and respond like teenagers. (Cue the guy in his mom's basement gaming at 3am on a Tuesday night....) 

It got me thinking, the typical or what we have always called "normal" development in a person is from childhood to adolescence to responsible adult. Somewhere around 25 we assume this will occur. We accept that this is as it should be, and generally speaking, we responsible adults are shocked and aghast by the folks who still live in the self absorbed, impulsive and immature state we left behind after high school or college. So here's what I have been really asking myself: Who decides what responsible really means? Does culture? My parents? My current peer group? Or does my relationship with God through Christ help me define what a responsible adult looks like? I think, more and more that as I look at my life, I let culture tell me what responsible looked like, and yet in many ways I have lived my adult life still self-absorbed, impulsive and immature. Here are some examples of things I used to believe it meant to grow up and be an adult:

go to college, graduate and get a career started
buy a house
get married
have children
make sacrifices so said children can have the best of whatever I can give them
be involved as a leader in my church and community
get raises, then buy a nicer house

Yours may have looked similar. And none of these are bad or sinful, in fact some are good things, but most are not actually instructions from scripture. The bible does address what to do when you have a family, but never instructs us that we must marry or have children in order to live a life that honors God. Nope, the truth is, I believed all these things because it's what the world told me I was supposed to do. And yet all the while, I continued to ignore many of the commands in scripture that actually address responsibilities I need to embrace. I have been self absorbed- I have lived largely unconcerned about the global impact of my lifestyle. I have not cared deeply about the spiritual condition of people enough to sacrifice personally to make sure they have a chance to hear the gospel. I have been mainly concerned with my temporary comfort and convenience rather than the basic needs of starving, sick and lost people all around the world. I have been more concerned with my children's ability to feel normal and fit in (ie. shop at American Eagle), than allocating resources to children with no families at all. I have mostly been relieved to be an American where it's easy to live, rather than asking what God wants me to do with that gift of freedom.  I have been impulsive- I purchased things I couldn't afford on credit to feel normal. Like part of the collective "adult club"- people who eat out regularly, go on vacation yearly and buy bigger houses with every pay raise. I have been immature- rather than face conflict head on, I have avoided and placated. I have complained about blessings, forgotten to remember and left people out so I'd feel more in. (Hi, my name is Debi and I've been a teenager for the past 26 years...)

What strikes me about all this is that we all call this normal. It's why it ruffles our feathers when someone suggests we act "radical" and give away possessions or move to another country to take in foster kids- even though those are all just actually obedient behaviors to scripture. We have exchanged the truth- that following Christ is NOT about our comfort, success or happiness in this life, for a lie. We have churches full of adolescent believers and just a few "radicals". I have been one of them. But slowly, God has been gracious to open my eyes and heart to what He asks of me. To allow me to see myself and ask hard questions about what I see. Over the past few years, and especially this last year, I have begun to see my responsibility as a mature adult christian with new vision. It is not my job to save anybody (that belongs to Jesus) or change the whole world. That is too big for me, and overwhelming, quite honestly. It is my job to follow in the example of Christ and effect change in situations and people as I come to them. Responsibility means my ability to respond. I cannot do everything, but I can do whatever I am able. I fail often, but when I do not, I see God changing me from a selfish and immature woman, into someone new. He uses all the brokenness in this world to refine us as we reach into it to bring His light. 

Women and Friendship

Very few subjects are trickier for many women than developing friendships (except perhaps that pesky submission business). In fact, in my experience in ministering to women, I'd say during the teen years a lot felt dating to be easier than becoming friends with their female peers. On many levels, women are complicated, are we not? I kind of love that about us. I mean, it does make us rather mysterious, but at the same time it can make opening your heart to another female problematic.

Do they really like me, or do they just need something?

Can I trust them with my past, struggles, vulnerabilities?

Are they going to gossip about me?

They seem so together, and I'm afraid I will seem so awkward and ridiculous if I open up.

I often feel pressured when I'm with this person but I don't know why?

I feel let down over and over by this woman, but everyone else seems to love her- what's wrong with me?

Recently I've heard these statements, or ones like them from friends. All around me women are crying out for community, but can't figure out how to find it. And of course, we're not talking about "male community"- the kind where men get together, joke around non-stop, eat something hideously unhealthy, talk about sports and work, laugh some more, give each other the chest-bump-one-armed hug and call it "relationship". Because that just won't cut it for us. While all that is fun and fine, and the men are actually building relationships that way, we want to walk away from coffee or lunch feeling we know something deeper than when we started. And most especially, that someone knows us and still likes us. And we're not talking about superficial, "see and be seen", social climbing either. Because let's face it- that's not friendship, that's nonsense. (Ain't nobody got time for that!) No, we are talking about sisterhood. Beautiful, vulnerable, truthful, you've-got-my-back, cry together, laugh together, love Jesus together friendship. Possible? Absolutely! Difficult? Yep. So here are some pointers if you find yourself struggling against fears, and hurts and just lack of friendship skills to help get you moving in the right direction.

Make the goal of your friendship honoring God. What does that mean practically? That you really want your friendship to be free from sin (gossip, complaint, lies, people pleasing, competition) and full of God's grace and truth. This would look like telling the truth about yourself. It would look like serving each other. It would look like holding in confidence your friend's thoughts and feelings. It would be full of freedom to be who you are. However, if I am really your friend, and I see you eating rat poison, and I love you- then chances are good I'm going to ask you "what they heck are you doing???" right? It's part of a God-honoring friendship to care about sin is our friends lives. But that does not give you license to confront them about your opinion. Big difference between the two.

Learn the difference between alligators and roses. Dee Brestin, in her book The Friendships of Women, presents this concept. A rose is worth having, even though sometimes you get pricked by the thorns. An alligator is always going to be dangerous, even though they smile sweetly. Some women are not healthy. They are in a place emotionally and spiritually that would be dangerous for you. You can certainly love them, but to try to develop  deep friendship will surely end in a deep wound for you. Most women are roses. Beautiful, worth investing in- and yet, you'll discover that in every person there are parts of them that may hurt you. A really big clue as to the difference: healthy women can take responsibility when they fail and make changes to their behavior. (If you find yourself running into a lot of alligators, you may need to do a little study. A really great book is Safe People, by Henry Cloud and James Townsend.)

Recognize that everyone wants to be loved and liked- just like you. It doesn't matter how "together" someone appears, we all have insecurities. We all wonder if people will think we look foolish at times. We've all been hurt by sin and brokenness in this world. A big part of becoming closer friends is affirming your "like" and "love" of the person. Let them know you are excited to get to know them better. That you see good things in them. The things you would want to hear yourself.

A good friendship feels like a see-saw. There should be an ebb and flow in any relationship. You give a little, they take. They give a little, you take. If it feels like you are always on one end or the other, think about that. It may be that you are trying to be friends with someone who does not have the time to have a deep relationship with you. And that is not a rejection of you- simply a reality. Not everyone will like you or want to be a close friend. But some people will! The key is to not give up or get discouraged. If you initiate plans once or twice and the other person does not reciprocate, take a step back and invest in someone else for awhile. You can't force a friendship.

Once a friendship is established, nurture it. Like any other relationship, you have to invest time, energy, thought and prayer into your friend. Prayer, in fact is a huge blessing in friendship, because in prayer God can open your eyes to needs your friend has, ways you can bless, but also when you need to step back and let the friendship breathe a little. Nurturing and smothering are not the same thing, and God can help you to see if you are becoming possessive, needy or controlling. (This would indicate a heart issue in yourself that should be addressed!)

I am ever so grateful for the wonderful, talented, Jesus loving, unique friends God has given me through the years. I have been blessed with lots of new women in my life recently, but one very precious friend, who has walked with me the longest is who I was thinking of as I wrote this blog. We have traveled 27 years of life together.....through middle school, high school, youth group, college, marriages, babies, death......... She knows me through and through. I have not always been the best friend to her. I have failed many times to love her as Christ loves me. But she saw me as a rose and hung in there in my prickly moments. And I have done the same with her. And I can tell you, beautiful friendships exist in this life through Christ, because I have had this with Caryn. Love you friend!

Caryn and I at her home two summers ago- makes me smile just to look at this picture!

Some stuff you should know before you get married

I have had an idea forming in my head for a few weeks now. I've been thinking about all the advice we give women and men before marriage and how much of it is good and true, yet how often we forget to tell them some very practical ideas and hints about how to function together. As a couple. And how sometimes the solutions to common problems aren't nearly as deep and difficult as we imagine them to be. So, here it is friends, Debi's list of: Stuff They Should Have Told You Before You Said "I Do" (but will still be helpful now)

My handsome husband on our wedding day....

1. Whatever side of the bed you pick on the honeymoon will be yours forever, so choose wisely.

2. You will probably get in your first married argument on your honeymoon. About something dumb. Don't sweat it- you're both running on high expectations and exhaustion.

3. There are basically two kinds of arguments: arguments about something that is on the surface unimportant, but under the surface a much deeper issue AND arguments that mean nothing more than one or both of you are being a sinful human being. Women tend to think ALL arguments are in the first category. Men tend to think ALL arguments are in the second. A huge task will be for both of you to learn which is which.

4.Social media is dangerous, friends. All that friendly, witty banter back and forth is often flirting in disguise. Be cautious and careful about what you say, to whom you say it and the ability to keep secrets. (I have said it before, but in marriage, everybody should be an open book!)

5. If one of you likes to be early, and one of you likes to be late you can either: argue a lot OR pout OR take separate cars. (pick C, I swear, you'll decide it's worth it)

6. Your sex life, like every other aspect of your relationship, is one you will grow in. Don't expect it is be magical all the time. Unlike every other aspect of your marriage it is intended to be kept sacred and private between the two of you. It is meant to be a safe space where you can be completely vulnerable and exposed. If you share details with others, you ruin the safe space. It will NEVER be skyrockets at night, if you ruin the safe space.

7. For the men- leading your wife is important. But, leading her to the right place is essential. You cannot lead her someplace you are not headed. If you want her to manage money better, run the house better, meet your needs better- you must decide if you are willing to do for her what Christ did for you. Also, sometimes you will be leading her well, and she will pout, cry, yell and generally respond horribly. Lead her anyway. She needs to know that you will head toward Christ even if she is standing stubbornly behind you. This creates both security and inspiration.

8. For the women- respect is what drives your husband. Do not tell his mistakes, foolish moments and flaws to others. Instead tell his strengths and successes. Brag on him in front of him and behind his back. Brag on him to your parents and your children. He will not always earn your respect. Show him respect anyway. He needs to know that even when he is a jerk or a failure, you are still beside him believing he is more than that one moment. That you trust God to work through him.

Loved the day I became Debi Russell!

9. One of you is probably better at paying the bills and will tend to take charge. This is okay, but the other person still needs to be "in the loop" on a monthly basis. Budgets still need to be agreed upon together and not dictated by the bill payer. The one who is not primarily paying the bills should not feel as though they are a child asking permission for $10 to grab some lunch nor should they feel at liberty to spend whatever they want knowing the other person "will handle it". This is why monthly communication and agreed goals are very important.

10. It's really good to periodically take some time away from one another to allow time to miss each other. It will not threaten the marriage to have some separateness. Each of you having a hobby or time you get away from the house is fine and even healthy, as long as you are mindful of the need to balance that with time together.

11. For the men- sometimes, when your wife is really emotional, all she needs is for you to approach her and hug her. Don't solve the problem. Just hug her and let her know you love her. She's a pretty smart gal anyway- or you wouldn't have picked her, right? So don't worry about fixing the problem- she'll handle it. She just needs to know that in the moments where she is overwhelmed and hormonal and dramatic- that you still love her. (When in doubt: hug+I love you. Seriously, this will help)

12. Marriage is crazy hard. Fighting is inevitable. You will not always even like the person you married. Sometimes you will worry you made a mistake. That, in fact, this person was just hiding all their flaws and they duped you into marrying them. But, the truth is, YOU bring out the flaws in them. Believe me, they are as shocked as you are in what they are discovering in you and themselves. There is no other relationship that quite exposes our selfishness like marriage. It's annoying and humbling and freeing. Stick with it! Get with a good christian counselor when you need to. Read books when you need to. But mainly, love your spouse deeply- the way God loves you. This will get you through the rough times and enhance the good times.

What it's Like to be a Christian Counselor- Part 2

Today has been a heavy day around the office here at Branches. Some intense life situations for clients playing out as we attempt to help them navigate storms. Not every day is like that of course, but today has felt a little extra stressful. I decided to write on just such a day, because it is helpful I think, to be honest that at times, counseling can be hard. Weighty. At these times I take great comfort in this verse...

This sits on my bookshelf in my office to remind me on stressful days, that God is still in control. (and I am not)

One of the distinct differences between christian counseling and other types of counseling, is the use of God's word in our healing. I have a bible in my office that I regularly use to apply God's truth to a situation a client is facing. Whether we are talking about boundaries, trauma, death, addiction, relational struggles, parenting or anxiety and depression- God's word has real truth and real application for my clients lives. Some of my favorite moments are when I am listening to a client share a thought or story, and God brings to mind a perfect verse to help them gain insight or understanding. I know it is God who brings the scripture to mind because: A. ever since giving birth to children my memory is ridiculous and B. Luke 12:12 tells us that the Holy Spirit brings to mind what we should say when we don't know what to say.

My favorite recovery verse sits framed on a table- it was a gift from a client who found that verse freed her to make some needed changes.

Another highly wonderful part of working as a christian counselor is the fellowship and wisdom I gain from my fellow counselors. I work with very gifted and compassionate people, who love Jesus and want to see His work done in the lives of our clients.

Mike Courtney, who founded Branches out of his own journey into recovery and leads (fearlessly, tirelessly, lovingly) our Branches crew, and Bill Robison, my "office neighbor" who I regularly barge in on to ask his opinion on lots of issues and who is usually watching a sermon on- line at that moment (thanks for always pausing your sermon for me!)

Trish Wilson, one of our LPC's (Licensed Professional Counselor) who helps me remember my boundaries and encourages me to be gracious with myself and Chandy Powell, my other "office neighbor" and fellow mom of teenage sons- who is a few years ahead of me and who reminds me, "this too shall pass" when needed

Tracey Robison, our Clinical Director and an LPC who left private practice for the world of non-profit, because "God told her to" and who subsequently told me to "quit messing around and come be a counselor at Branches too!" (my paraphrase, but it's basically true, as she is sometimes known for bossing us like a mama bear) and little ol' me!

This is Bob Schwartz. Bob does not counsel. If he did he might say things like "just stop it!'  (true story) No, Bob volunteers hours upon hours to simply help Branches manage our finances well and with integrity and with the ability to pay the light bill. There are countless other volunteers like Bob who were not around for me to snap their picture, but who bless all our clients, albeit indirectly.

Chef Hat- Italian Shepherd Pie

I have never been a fan of traditional Shepherd's Pie. It's always seemed a little bland to me. However I came across this recipe a year or so ago, and after modifying slightly, I have a new "all family" favorite. (And if you're a mom, you know those are the keepers!)

Italian Shepherd Pie

1 pkg. Perdue Sweet Italian Sausage (casings removed, and browned)
1 can petite diced tomato
1 tsp. basil
1 tsp.oregano

Can you tell I shop at Kroger?

The aroma of this little combo is heavenly....

After browning the sausage, add the tomato's and spices and turn to low, cover and let simmer while you prepare the potato part. 

2 packages Idahoan Roasted Garlic Mashed Potato's

8 oz Italian blend shredded cheese

1 tsp. Italian seasoning

(optional) French Fried Onions (this add additional flavor/fat- sometimes I do, sometimes I don't)

Prepare potato's according to package directions. Add cheese and spices and stir until melted. Pour meat mixture into 9x13 glass baking dish and top with potatoes. Cover and bake @ 350 for 30 minutes. If desired, uncover and top with french fried onions for 5 additional minutes.

You can use plain potatoes and add garlic powder to alter for gluten-free diets

The potatoes are really thick, and this makes enough for a family of 5

Playing Second Fiddle

Tonight I watched my oldest in his school musical, The Secret Garden. He was a minor character in the show, and as such did not have many solo parts. I was, however, so incredibley proud of him, because after watching him participate in two hour practices every day after school for weeks, I realized something: in many ways it's harder to be back up than lead. When he tried out for the play, he was truly disappointed to not be given a major role. In fact, I wondered aloud if it was going to be worth it to be part of the show for him. My eldest loves to lead, to perform and to star. But, he reasoned it was a poor decision to quit just because he wasn't cast in the part he wanted so he stuck it out. He juggled school, job and play practice for months, only to be on stage in the spotlight for a brief moment or two. Otherwise he was part of the ensemble chorus- one of many. There was very little personal glory in his role, yet the work invested much the same as those with a lead. The lead characters will be remembered. Stopped in the hallway and congratulated. Honored. Yet without all the minor parts and ensemble cast, the show would not have been possible, much less successful. For any collaborative effort to succeed, there must be people willing to play back up, background, second fiddle roles.

I often desire the "parts" in life that bring the glory. I'm ashamed to admit that it's true, but it is. I'd like to think I only want to humbly serve in the background, but the truth is, I like being honored. Oh sure, I'll work hard, plan hard and even pray hard- but I want a bit of the spotlight in return. Or at the very least, an honorable mention. But toil and work and serve......unrecognized?? 

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing. Taking on the very nature of a servant..." (Philippians 2)

It occured to me that the nature of a servant is to serve others. Not to be served. Not to strive and grasp for attention and glory. But simply to focus on the object of his service. Jesus came to earth to bring His father glory by serving us through the perfect life He lived for us and the horrible death He died for us. If I am to be part of this beautiful creation called the church that exists to express God's love to the world, I have to focus on the One I serve and the ones He calls me to serve. And be content in knowing I already share in His glory.

Tonight I was proud of my son for his willingness to work hard at something that contributed to an overall success for many, but brough him very little personal glory. May the same be true of my role in God's kingdom.

Keeping it All Together

When I was young and had a memory that actually worked I did not feel joined at the hip to my planner. With every birth, I have become more convinced that somehow a woman's memory is connected to the baby, because as each child left my body, so did some of my ability to recall where I'm supposed to be, who I told which story too and why am I standing in the middle of the grocery store?? So, as all good women eventually do, I quit trying to wing it, and began writing everything down as my primary plan. My memory had been relegated to a back up plan B.

Over the years I have had many different types of planner and calendars and have finally come up with a system that works for me. I use two planner/journals per year for my scheduling, meal planning and sermon notes. I have discovered a new sweet benefit of my attempts to keep everything running smoothly throughout the year: in writing down all the appointments, meals and thoughts about God, little reminders for kids schools or sports, etc. I have created a chronicle of our year. I have never been a good "journaler" and Millinery doesn't really count because I certainly filter which events and thoughts I share with the world at large. But my journal for my meal planning/sermon notes as well as my daily planner are a true uncensored look at my life.

It was a fun treat to begin looking back at these as a year would come to a close. I could see the ebb and flow of life in myself and my family as I read my weekly menu's, scanned all the plans made with friends and family, all the work appointments and doctor appointments and trips I'd taken. My favorite part was looking through old sermon notes to see how God was showing me more of Himself and His love and His purposes in my life. Some of my scribbled notes and crossed out to-do lists showed me how I still teeter on the edge of over-committing and how I still struggle to be consistent in things like exercise/bible study/healthy eating.

I highly recommend keeping all your to-do lists, menu's, ideas and plans in one or two planners so you can look back as well. It is practical to plan and make lists, but having a year's worth all bound together to reread is also nostalgic and offers a perspective on life I haven't experienced until I began doing this.

My current pretty journal.....

A recent meal plan, and notes from an incredible sermon series through the book of Genesis

Titus Two 4 U - How to hold a profitable garage sale

With all the emphasis on being a frugal wife/mom these days, I thought some of you who have never tried having a garage sale (or tried and found it to be not worth it) might like some guidelines on making sure all the effort it pays off. At this point I consider myself a pro- you can decide for yourself but here is my resume: in the past 10 years I have held 10 sales for a total revenue of over $15,000. Now, most of that money has gone toward missions my family has been part of. We have partially financed gospel mission work in Brazil, Nicaragua, India, Romania, Ethipoia and Panama. Also, who can forget last year's "Get Debi a New Washing Machine" sale which was so successful we also, "Fixed the Riding Lawn Mower" (amen, and thank you Lord! the grass was getting high) So, based on all this I am a self proclaimed expert and I'd love to pass on my experience to you!

Debi's Top Tips for Holding a Successful Sale

1. Advertise a lot! I run free ads on Craigslist, Garagesales.com and Yardsalefrog.com. All these sites will allow you to post an ad for free. I also make poster board signs for the area around my neighborhood for the "drive by" traffic. Use all one color poster board- preferably flouresecent so people can easily spot them.

2. Borrow tables and make sure you sort, fold and display your items nicely. People will not bend over to hunt through piles of clothing on the ground or in a box. If you need to put like items in a box, such as books or DVD's , try to set the box a little higher off the ground by putting another box/tub underneath it.

3. Bulk price almost everything! When you have several hundred clothing items, your best bet is to have a .50 cent table and a $1 table. I have standard prices for common items: all shoes $3 per pair, hardback books $1, softback books .50 cents, all purses $3 (sometimes if I have a really nice purse I'll hang it and price individually) stuffed animals $1/.50 cents (I separate into two boxes depending on quality) DVD's $3 each, CD's $1, jeans (no rips/stains) $2 each. Clothing is subjective, so if I think it's a really nice item (brand name, brand new or coats) I hang them and price individually. Otherwise it's folded and sold cheap. 

4. Always have a "man table" because the women will shop longer if the men have something to look at. Tools, fishing gear, knives, gadgets, sporting memmorabilia, baseball caps and random things from your garage will work great. 

5. Let people haggle you a little. Even though you are already giving them a great deal it is generally considered garage sale "norm" if someone wants to buy a whole box of something, you will give them a couple bucks off. I always add up what the price should be then subtract a few. If someone wants to buy a whole box of books though, just let them pay what they want, because books are heavy and you'll never sell them all. You'll be glad to have them gone at the end of your sale- believe me.

6. Restraighten your tables as the day goes on. Display does matter, even at garage sales. 

7. Make signs to let people know of the bulk prices, otherwise put stickers stating the price on everything else. 

8. Fold sheet sets and masking tape together. Write on the tape what size the set is-  "queen sheet set, no stains, nice and soft! $5" Same with towels, curtain panels and pajama sets for women and kids.

9. Have plenty of bags on hand for people's purchases. I try to stockpile a few bigger handled bags for heavier items. 

10. Keep an extension cord plugged in and easily accessible for people to make sure electronics work. 

11. Don't price lower than multiples of .25 cents. In other words, nothing sells for less than a quarter. It makes chek out so much easier! If something isn't worth .25 cents sell them "two for a quarter" as in "Socks, 2 pairs for .25 cents" If it's only worth a nickle, just make it free. It's worth the less hasssle when checking 6 people out at once.

12. Don't sell Bibles. Just give them away. Trust me on this.

13. Keep a sense of humor, a sharpie , a roll of masking tape and a cup of coffee with you. Good luck and let me know how your sale went! 

Don't be discouraged by the madness- plan for about 10 hours to get it all sorted and ready.

We actually had a piano donated for this sale!

What it's like to be a Counselor, Part One

So what exactly is it like to be a counselor? Do you ever get tired of hearing people talk about their problems? Do you worry about your clients when you leave work? What's the difference between a christian counselor and a regular counselor?

When I am out in my non-work life and friends, or even people I barely know, find out what I do in my work life, I get questions like these a lot. I am always careful in my answers, but have often thought it would be good to explain some of what I do as a counselor, in case as I suspect, the questions might be a way of deciding if going to a counselor is something a person can feel comfortable doing. This will be a two part blog so as not be too lengthy but get to all the questions. Here is my disclaimer: my experience as a counselor is limited to working in a christian counseling center with a brilliant clinical director, a compassionate boss and gifted, caring coworkers. I have no idea how it might feel to be in private practice or work in an environment where you are judged and criticized or overworked. There are many, many variables that could alter the way any one therapist or counselor would answer these questions. This is my attempt to explain my experience and perhaps show why counseling is a wonderful avenue for receiving help.

So, what is it like to be a counselor? Well first, I'll tell you my official title: Licensed Pastoral Counselor and Temperament Therapist. (fancy!) It means I am first and foremost in the ministry of counseling and I view my responsibility to my clients as one of leading them toward healing by embracing God's truth in their lives. It also means I can tell you why you don't like crowds, love hugs, hate being told what to do, enjoy crossing things off a list or wait to be invited before you join a group- God made you that way!  (explaining temperament, often called personality, is one of my favorite things to do) I suppose the best word I can use to explain what being a counselor is like is sacred. People invite me into their deepest pain, fear, shame, dreams and hopes. I get to walk with them through dark valleys and remind them they will come out on the other side. I rejoice with them when they finally realize, often for the very first time, God really does love them. I feel truly honored to be part of my clients' journeys. Of course in dealing with broken people there are hard moments. Hard because I am just a safe person on the outside in a sense. I have no control over the choices my clients make, or don't. No control over the other people in their lives who may be wrecking havoc. And ultimately I am reminded that they are in God's hands and I know His purpose is to love them and expose their need for Him. So when my clients lives go from hard to harder, I pray for them. Sometimes with them if they are willing.

In a typical day I see between 6-8 clients. I take notes to keep it all straight. I return emails. And I depend on God to guide each session. I aim to be three things to my clients: compassionate, consistent and confrontative. (my brilliant clinical director taught me that!) I do not succeed in these every session, every day- but it's my goal. It helps that I have something called peer supervision. This is where we allow a group of other therapists to help us stay on track as a counselor. It keeps me honest about where I need to have better boundaries, when I need to choose a different approach with a client who is struggling and on a personal level, make sure I am doing okay so I can do my job. This is a common practice in this industry and also peer supervision is a wonderful biblical concept, as Proverbs says "He who walks with the wise, become wise" and "The way of a fool seems right to him, but the wises listen to advice." (Proverbs 13:20 and 12:15) If you were in private practice you would have to find other therapists to form a peer group. In my counseling center, it is a monthly group we simply attend as a part of our policy.

The most common question I get asked "Is it hard to listen to people talk about their problems all day?" is easy to answer. No. It's really not. In fact, I like it. Because as they open up and talk about their problems we work on goals to help them get through them. Not all problems can "go away" but we can set goals about learning to cope and establishing healthy community and growing in their faith. I am so thankful people are brave enough to open up and tell me their problems and hurts. That's where healing begins. You gotta get all that stuff in the light so you can really look at it. I'm not saying however that sometimes what people share isn't hard to hear. I care deeply about my clients pain, but I don't carry it myself. The way I have learned not to worry about clients outside of work is to remind myself God is in control of their life and to pray for them. Plus, I just accept that people are where they are. "Everybody gets to pick" is a truth I have to come believe- it's okay for people to not do it all "right" and I am not responsible for anyone's life but my own. This keeps me from worrying for the most part, and while I'm not perfect at that boundary, it gets easier the longer I am counseling.

Just for fun, here's a tour through my office. Remember, when working for a non-profit, you are thankful for free, cheap and donated!

Welcome to my office! Notice the high tech flyer for the Codependency Group created by yours truly.

My somewhat messy desk with my non-working phone and family photos

My clients view from their seats- a favorite Bible story often called The Emmaus Road. I love it for counseling because often we are wondering where God is in our life, only to discover He's been walking with us all along.

My view from my chair.

My favorite recovery scripture and because counseling can be hard work, I always have Jolly Ranchers!

In sickness and in health.....

It's been a tough month for me. I have not been well. I have been well enough, to you know, keep doing all the mom things and wife things and work things, but sick enough to feel misreable while doing them. At first I thought I had a virus, but then it kept going. Then I went to the doctor and we thought it might be something really difficult and overwhelming. But so far none of those possibilities have played out. So we're still in the middle of trying to figure out what exactly is interfering with my normal good health, health I will add that I have take for granted, but will not anymore. But in the midst of all this "not knowing what's wrong" misery, there has been some sweetness and humor and a chance to see God's goodness to me.

My favorite thing has been the support, concern and love that I have experienced over the past two weeks as I have let people know to be praying. So many precious texts of encouragement, facebook messages with scripture I needed to hear, hugs and "check in's"......I realize how beautiful community is! It has been a blessing to see that not only do I have a very supportive physical family, I have my City Church and Branches family too. So if you are part of those groups, thank you for praying and loving me- it has blessed me so much!

Another sweet thing has been how my kids have been so concerned about their mama. You know, of course, your kids love you. But seeing their reactions to me not being well has let me know they have a genuine concern for me, which you don't always get a chance to see when you're operating normally.

The funniest moment was three nights ago. I woke up in the most misery I have ever felt. Ever. Every bone in my face hurt, my cheek was swollen from a hideous canker sore, I could not breath at all, my mouth was like a bowl of cotton, I was coughing, there was a random pain in my chest every time I coughed- you get the picture. It was not good. Oh, and the arm they had drawn blood from the day before was weirdly numb and kind of just hanging to my side. So at 2am I came staggering into the living room and my husband (who is sometimes up that late writing) looked up at me and tried hard not to laugh because he knew I really felt awful, but had a hard time holding it in.  (He told me later I looked like a zombie from The Walking Dead. I know it was true becaue I had caught a glimps of myself in the mirror on the way out of the bedroom and even in my state of misery I thought "whoa. that look needs some help." but didn't care enough to do anything about it.)  He shuffled me back to bed and brought  me some water, some medicine and the best thing EVER if you find yourself in that state of misery- Vicks Vapor Rub. I had forgotten about that stuff, and normally don't even get sick enough to consider it, but sweet nectar of life, it was heavenly. He slathered my face and neck and chest down with it, tucked me in and got in bed himself.  As we lay there and he began the breathing that lets me know he's fallen asleep, I thought, "this is the beautiful part of marriage. I have quite possibly never looked or felt this awful. I'm about as much fun as root canal to be around. I have no ability to even care about his needs right now. Yet I am absolutely certain he loves me all the same."

my night stand while sick- never have I been so thankful for Vapor Rub!

Titus Two 4 U - Learning to Follow

I did not grow up in an era where couples dancing involved memorizing steps and patterns. Our dances did not have names. I always thought the formal dances such as the waltz, or foxtrot, seemed more romantic than the slow-dancing we did in my high school gym, basically consisting of hugging while swaying and occasionally shuffling feet. And do not get me started on dirty dancing, which, while being a romantic and entertaining movie ("Nobody puts Baby in a corner!") was really just "messing around" set to music. No, there was a generation before me that made dancing look fun, and beautiful and seamless.

I think one inclination we lost in both dancing and life was the willingness for a woman to follow a man's lead. About two months ago I was getting really excited about a wonderful ministry in my city. It is a prison ministry for women, with the goal of helping them to transition into life outside jail in a healthy and godly way. It's basically about helping them encounter God through lots of his people reaching out and teaching and serving. Love, love, love it! And, as all good extroverted, excitable types like me do, I called the founder of the ministry to chat about how I could help connect others to them, and how I could be involved myself. The wonderful woman who began the ministry graciously took an hour and poured her heart out about her passion for what God has called her to do. It was inspirational, in a real non-cheesy way. So I left thinking about what role I was going to take, called my husband to tell him of my excitement when he promptly burst my bubble. 

"Um I don't think this is a good time for you to get involved so heavily. You have a lot on your plate and you are tired all the time. I usually support your ideas, but I just don't feel good about this." 

Total joy kill . And I was hurt and annoyed and starting down the path of self-righteousness, when God reminded me I was to follow this man's lead. It was kind of a quiet reminder- a thought that perhaps my repsonse wa not reflecting a wife with a submissive or willing spirit. More joy kill. Not only do I NOT get to be all excited about my fun new ministry opportunity, I don't even get to be mad at my husband for pouring water all over it. (I may or may not have mentioned something along those lines via text before sensing the nudge of God to simmer down and listen to my husband. Sigh- I'm working on not firing off snarky texts anymore.)

So, I will admit this was begrudging, but I decided to email the founder and let her know I'd need to wait for a time to get involved. Fast forward two months. Low and behold my entire body begins to lose a grip on health. I'm noticing fatigue getting higher, starting to run a pretty consistent fever and feeling generally bad. At the same time, Little Miss Fluff and Sparkle brings home two C's on progress report and it becomes clear she needs more attention and structure in homework time. Suddenly, the thought of another weekly committment to a brand new role doesn't look like such a good idea. In fact, it sounds totally overwhelming. I am heading to doctor appointments, work and bed until I can recover. I am cancelling fun plans, busyness and housework just to get through the week. 

Somehow, in God's wonderful plan He set things up to work in a truly good way. My husband is my protection, often and mostly it seems, from myself. I am ever so thankful God reminded me to listen. I am humbled by how my attitude was so crabby with him instead of trusting that he did, in fact, have my best interest at heart and could offer some wisdom where I was blinded by excitement. It's not a common or popular message in our world to allow yourself to be led by a man. But in marriage, God set up a way to be protected, cherished and served, which sometimes looks like my man doing the dishes for me. And sometimes it looks like him telling me to slow down, hold back or stop. I realize not every husband embraces that role and not every marriage is loving. But I also know when both people live out the roles God gave them, it's pretty amazing.

Embracing Age

In my younger and sillier years, I wanted to be older so I would have credibility. I felt called to help others, especially women, but didn't think anyone would feel I had anything to say. I was only in my 20's, looked like a teenager, but was a young mom in a dysfunctional marriage and truth be told, I really didn't know what I didn't know. As I aged some and finally learned through life experiences that age doesn't equal wisdom, I quit worrying quite so much about looking credible and began wondering if I was credible. Did I even have anything to offer others? My picture perfect life had fallen apart. I was a divorced, single mom of two boys. How could I help anyone else, anyway?

I realized it wasn't what I had to offer others that mattered, eventually. It was God who qualified me to begin ministering to women, and it all happened quite naturally. One woman at a time, God began to use His work in my life to help others understand His purpose and love for them. I have found that one of the hardest parts of working with women is helping them deal with the tendency to earn love and approval. I know that struggle well, and God has had lots of work to do, removing idols from my heart. I have found also, that the more I share my weakness, lack of faith, sin and struggles- the more credible I become. Mainly because in exposing the real me, God clearly gets the glory for who I am today. It's been the most freeing part of my spiritual journey- letting go of the image I wanted to project and just being myself. Accepted by God, I no longer have to freak out if I suspect someone else doesn't quite approve. I know I am loved because of who God is, not who I am (or am not) and the older I get the more I am confident in that love. So much so, that lately I do not mind so much the visible signs of age that are appearing. Wrinkles around my eyes, obstinate gray hairs to be colored, gravity taking hold. No doubt about it- I do not look like that 20 year old girl anymore, but I am okay with it.

39 and loving it! Trust me girls, it just keeps getting better!

Because Daddy's Can't Have All the Fun!

My super cute acomplice in our secret mission to get ice cream!

In a normal week, my life is fairly routine. Partially, because as previously established, I like being a hamster on a wheel. Partially because being a mom of three kids requires some structure to make sure they all have clean underware, lunches for school and rides to and from all activities. And also, it seems like the role of mom is keeping the household running smoothly. Mostly evverything we do in the Russell family has some kind of plan: dinners? Meal plan. Dirty house? Chore plan. Sassy pants kids? Discipline plan.

So in general, mom takes the role of planner. And in our house, dad takes the role of "big softy". Sure the kids have a bedtime, but, wee'll let them stay up tonight because we're having so much fun. Sure, you planned for us to eat leftovers, but, we're going to get Taco Bell instead. (This is not to say dad takes the role of softy about sassy pants kids, however. In fact, in our house, dad takes the role of drill seargant if disrespect/defiance are involved) So over the years of day in day out mom and dad living in their respective roles, the kids come to know what to expect. Which dear friends, is where a wonderful ooportunity lies. Every so often, you need to startle your kids with something silly/spontaneous/unexpected. I have come to call these secret missions. My favorite secret missions involve creating a mess, which historically I never sanction, or getting junk food late at night, which is equally unusual as I am the Health Patrol. If you combine the two, all kinds of hilarity ensues! When my kids were much younger, the unexpected twists were geared toward their ages and me not losing my mind the next morning. Playing in the rain, eating popcorn for dinner while building the world's largest lincoln log village on the dining room table, going out after bathtime in our jammies to get an ice cream cone: fun but not anything that would create the world's crankiest kids in the morning. As the kids have aged, my favorite secret missions still remain breaking the rules on food and messes. And let me tell you, nine year old girls, LOVE a good secret mission. So last night, when Emma told me she was craving some ice cream, I seized the moment. She and I were going to play a little Chutes and Ladders downstairs by ourselves. All the boys were otherwise occupied. So I looked at her and said, "Come on sister! This is the perfect time for a run to Dairy Queen for a Peanut Buster Parfait!" It was 9:30 and she was in her jammies, so we bundled her in one of my zip ups and snuck out of the house. Ice cream tastes better when there is a level of covertness involved, I assure you.