My Mom Lynda

She taught me through her life and her words how to live well as a woman. 

I have been staring at the screen for two days thinking about how I could sum up in one blog post everything about who my mom was and is in my life: How she influenced me, how she modeled being a godly wife. How she sacrificed her wants and needs for mine. How she loved God most of all, and how that gave me security. How she taught me that every choice has a consequence and that being happy is my choice. In fact, friends who grew up with me remember my mom saying "Now it's time to get happy" when one of us was moping or pouting too long. She was a hard worker and not afraid to use a little "elbow grease" to get that garage floor clean or rearrange the living room. She showed me how to manage a home- cooking, cleaning, being organized- but more than that, the purpose of your home is to care for your family and offer hospitality. We brought home friends all the time, and she always cooked a big Sunday lunch so my parents could find someone from church who was new to invite to eat with us. She made every birthday feel like a national holiday- so much so that I had to adjust in adult life to the fact that everyone else was not going to throw a parade in honor of my birth! She loved tradition and taught me the value in maintaining family traditions year after year. Mom was always actively caring for her health through diet and exercise, and to this day I know she is better shape than I am. In her mid-life mom showed me how to make big changes and not be intimidated to try new things. She went back to college to become a nurse, graduated with incredible grades and went back to work. Mom always spoke highly about my dad and to my dad- she was an encourager as a wife, always seeing the good. She loved her gardening and getting her hands in the dirt- mom was a "lady" without an pretension. Mom hugged often and long, said I love you freely and I'm sorry just as freely. She came to recitals, remembered details about my life and loved to let me talk. (Except sometimes she would tell me her ears were tired from so much listening, which I am sure was the truth.) She was and is the woman I most look up to in this world. 

Thank you Mama for teaching me how to live well!

The (Not So) Happy Mother's Day

"Watching Say Yes to the Dress" tonight was like watching a white and ruffly train wreck. It's a guilty pleasure I admit. But as I watched these women try to sort through pounds of chiffon and years of dreams, the dysfunction and tension existing in their relationships with their mom's was painfully obvious. Of course that tension makes for good television, but it reminded me of something:

Mother's Day is not happy for everyone.

Hallmark doesn't make cards for some of the realities in this broken world. There are women whose mothers were abusive, or addicted, or more interested in their new boyfriend than their daughter. There are women who never knew their moms or lost them early in life. There are moms who will not hear from their grown children on Mother's Day because the relationship is so strained. And there are mothers deeply grieving the loss of their child. For these women, Mother's Day can be painful, especially when they do not feel the freedom or ability to express their hurt or disappointment.

If that is you, take heart. You are not alone. And God sees you. No one will ever know as deeply as He the pain you've carried. Or understand the victory in being a different mom than the one you had. One of my favorite stories in the Bible is of Hagar, Abraham's concubine. She is used, unwanted, unfairly treated by the woman who holds power over her and at one point flees. And there God comes to her. She actually has the honor of doing something found no where else in scripture: she names God. In all other places, God names Himself. Hagar names God Beer Lahai Roi, which translates "the God who sees me". What a beautiful description! No one else saw or knew her pain, but God did not miss her. Overlook her. Ignore her.

If tomorrow is a day filled with mixed emotions or painful ones, remember there is a God who sees you also. 

Myriad Motherhood

There are many kinds of Mothers:

Mother's in waiting- some expecting, some adopting- balancing great hopes and dreams of sharing love and life with the child with fears of inadequacy, catastrophe and never picking a name.

Mother's of babies- exhausted from no sleep, intently monitoring eating and pooping and breathing and crying and captivated by the newness of loving such a perfect small person.

Mother's of toddlers- exhausted from chasing, tickling, bathing, wiping, diapering, snuggling, dressing, playing, sweeping, folding, holding, rocking, singing and many other -ing's.

Mother's of school aged children- tentatively releasing children into the world, hopeful it will be good to them mostly, hopeful the break will be good for mom mostly and slowly amassing an arsenal of Lego's, crayons and DVDs.

Mother's of pre-teens- calming mood swings, car-pooling to movies and the mall and practices, holding tightly to every moment of connection, knowing it will begin to slip away soon.

Mother's of teenagers- laughing at antics, coaching in getting a license and a job, worrying about safety, cheering at sporting events and school performances, wondering how they could be so old already.

Mother's of special needs children- learning a whole new language to communicate with doctors and teachers, seeing the heart of your child others might miss, hurting for the struggles you both face and thankful to have made it this far.

Mother's of step children- cautiously learning their stories and preferences, carefully showing love, wishing they will love you back.

Mother's of children who have died- missing them every day, wondering why, thankful for the time you had, wishing for one more moment.

Mother's of grown children- proud of their launch into adulthood, missing the constant connection of times gone by, amazed by the person they have become, still ready to drop everything if they need you.

And this is to say nothing of single mothers, working mothers, foster mothers, grandmother's, mother-in-laws and women who take on the role of mother in church, school, neighborhood and home to other children. No matter what kind of Mother you are, there is great purpose and honor in Mothering well. Blessings to all my Mom friends!

Negotiations

In the world of being a "Working Mom of Three Who Loves Jesus" I have come to a conclusion: I have to make compromises with myself in order to do all that I know God has called me to do with joy.

Here's one such compromise: currently my precious mother-in-law is immobilized. Her back has decided to protest "functioning". It simply is not working any longer and she is scheduled for surgery this month. In the meantime, this woman whom I love and respect greatly is suffering in pain. She is not a complainer, but it's bad. So, what I want to do is be some combination between Emily Post and Southern Living magazine and Jesus. My mind says this equals stopping in every day to visit and run some laundry, bringing flowers to cheer her up, cooking dinner from scratch for her and dad and quoting her just the right verse of scripture to help give her peace. The Holy Spirit tells me this is not realistic, nor what she needs from me. So my compromise is to bring the dinner I cook for my family over a few nights a week to feed us all, calling in between clients, running the laundry while I'm there with dinner and praying for her like crazy. It's not what I'd like to do, but it's what I can do.

Here's another deal I struck with myself: it's okay to change sheets on the beds when I remember, and before company comes. It's okay to clean bathtubs when they actually look dirty. It's okay to not make my bed some mornings. It's okay to go to sleep with a pot soaking in the sink. I really am not a perfectionist about my house, but I find since I grew up with a SAHM I have this standard in my mind of everything looking "just so" and being truly clean all the time. I wish I could make all that happen, but I really can't if I want to have time to work out, drop everything to talk with my teenagers when they're in the mood, pursue relationships with people who are in my new church family, maintain relationships I already have, date my husband and decompress. So I've made the deal that it's okay to do what I can around the house in terms of cleaning, in order to make time for things I actually value more than a clean or tidy home. I want all of the above, but I'll take the latter.

Here's one more: fake nails. "Kiss (brand) real short french manicure" to be exact. They look pretty, take 5 minutes to put on and I can afford them. My kids don't love them, but my husband does and so do I. Again, ideally I'd rather have the time and energy to file and polish and maintain my own real nails, but I've settled for these and they make me happy.

Juggling all the hats has been a challenge over the past four years since I entered the working world. I have had ups and downs in trying to live this life in a way that honors God. I have found the most peace in it as I've learned the art of negotiating with myself. It turns out that in many ways I ask more of myself in terms of "efforts and results" than God does. So, talking myself out of "complicated, unnecessary, involved" and agreeing instead to "manageable, practical, possible" frees me up to actually do something that makes a difference for my family or a neighbor or a complete stranger. 

Mother-Daughter Weekend

As usual, I had camera issues on my latest little get away with mom, Joanna and Anne. My batteries died and I had forgotten to bring any new ones, so this is the only shot I got of all four of us together.

But, I like it. Part silly, part artsy- it's a fun picture of a really good weekend. We laughed a lot, we shopped, we talked and caught up.... girl stuff.

Over the years, the connection between the four of us has ebbed and flowed for me. There have been times I have felt closer and times I have felt more distant. In part, this is because we are very different from one another. We have different lifestyles. Different experiences in marriage and motherhood. Varied career paths. We all live in different states currently, although in my adult life I have lived in the same state with each at some point. All the differences could (and sometimes feels as if they do) put a strain on the closeness between us. There are times where I have been so busy, so lazy or so preoccupied with my own life, that the efforts to stay close to my sisters and mom have been weak. Luckily, they are always willing to reconnect with me when I pull my head up and see them too far in the distance and realize I haven't been intentional about showing love or sharing life.

One of the truths about family I have come to know as I've gotten older is "what we share is more important than what we don't".  Love, for example. Love for our families, each other and God. Memories, is another.  These are the only 3 women who can tell you what I was like as a little girl, or know who my first boyfriend was, or who can hear the sound of my Abuela's voice.  Respect and admiration of each other is another commonality. We all genuinely see things in each other we hold in high regard. As I spent time enjoying each of these wonderful women who are my family I thought about some of those things.

Joanna is hard working, empathetic, creative and kind. She feels deeply and takes the time to show it to others. She has been a single mom for a long time and has worked her hind end off to support my nephew but never complains about her lack of money or how hard life can be. In fact, quite the opposite, she expresses gratitude for her blessings and chooses to see the positive. She is a teacher by profession and an artist by nature. She is about to marry a really great man, and I could not be happier for her.




Anne was my baby sister. I used to love to carry her around
the yard and pretend she was my baby. She quit being my "little sister" a long time ago though. She is a nurse who is currently a stay-at-home-mom to my nieces. Her husband travels a lot so she is often home with her girls solo. She has struggled with really difficult health issues with my oldest niece, but never ever wavers in her commitment to be the best mom she can. In fact, in every relationship she wants to be her best. Annie is thoughtful, hard working, funny and adventurous (mission trip to Brazil while pregnant!). She also has a great heart for hurting kids around the world and quietly does her part to make a difference.

I will blog later this week about mom as Mother's Day approaches and there is much I could say. But when I think about my mom I mostly think about her love for God and her love for our family, me included. Mom always inspires me with her desire to learn and grow and change. She is a great example to me of living a balanced life- she takes cares of herself, yet sacrificially loves others. She works really hard but also knows how to have fun. She is entirely devoted to my dad, but has many close friendships she maintains. She was a stay-at-home mom, and then for a long time a working mom. She is beautiful, but knows her worth is not in her outer appearance.

So, these are the three women God chose for me as family. And I am grateful.