Girl's Nite Out, Part One

Just got home from a lovely Girl's Nite Out with my sweet friends I work with. It was very relaxing after a week spent having to remind myself to breathe. (see 2 blogs ago) We ate dinner at Cheesecake Factory and wandered into cute shops and oohed and aahed about perfect sandals, cute tops, the very item I needed to find for a baby shower tomorrow and adorable aprons. (I'm seriously considering the need to purchase an adorable apron at this point, just so you know.) The temperature outside was exactly right for window shopping- Emma describes that temperature as "It feels like nothing" which is completely accurate but doesn't sound nearly as pleasant as it feels. A totally needed night away from responsibility and men and dirty dishes and shedding cats.

 I'm so thankful for the women in my life who make life better. This little group is my affirmers. When I spend time with them I come away feeling encouraged. For example, I shared a story with them about this attempt I made at crafting, and how it was a fail and I was so irritated by the entire thing. And they said, "You don't need to be a crafter. You be you. You are just fine without crafting." Which is true, and good to be reminded of. And when I say, "Oh that top is cute" they say "It is cute. You'd look great in that." You know, good friend stuff. I think I am more aware of the sheer delight of time spent with women because I have been through transitions in the past few years in friendships and have spent some seasons lonely. My husband is, in many ways, my best friend. But he doesn't use words like adorable, he doesn't understand why an apron would possibly be a wonderful addition to my life and he does not know why, when one top is perfect for me, another similar one is exactly wrong. He also doesn't connect to how spending time doing something frivolous like window shopping can actually encourage my spirit, as that is not how he is wired. Oh but it does- lift my spirits, that is. Not really the shopping, but the camaraderie and the feeling of being understood. My friends get why I might need to have an adorable apron, even if they don't need one. It goes deeper than that though. These women truly care about me. And I truly care about them. We pray for each other, cry together, vent frustrations, laugh a lot, ask about each other's families, get mad for each other, teach and learn, delight in successes and generally love each other. At dinner tonight we were talking about how the longer you work with a group there are two things that can happen: either little quirks and flaws become things that get under your skin about the people until you no longer even like them, or you just learn to love them enough to cover over that stuff. I am so deeply grateful that God gave me this little group of women to love me enough to cover over my quirks and flaws. They show me a piece of who God is in that and it lifts my spirits much more than window shopping.

Foghorn Leghorn

Smurfs were probably my favorite. Ooh and ShirtTails (does anyone remember ShirtTails besides me?) I liked Strawberry Shortcake, Care Bears, Jem and the Holograms and the Flintstones. Who I did not really enjoy was Looney Tunes. The Coyote/Road Runner drove me mad. Bugs Bunny was not very nice as far as I was concerned. Tweety was kind of cute, but not enough to keep me interested. There was one character that I kind of liked of the bunch, but my husband recently told me was his all-time favorite, which I have to admit, made me rethink our marriage a little bit: Foghorn Leghorn. Really?! Ok, for starters, his name alone. What does it even mean? Secondly, I barely remember his plot lines- something about this little chick with big glasses following him around and there was a bull dog and a chicken coop.... I don't know- how could he be my husband's "favorite"? But, he challenged me to write a blog about him. (I think he was mainly joking, but the more I thought about it the more it seemed like a challenge.) So I've been mulling it around all week, partially because I've been so tired I haven't had any great ideas of my own. So what has emerged is a completely eclectic, but possibly clever, Parenting Lessons from Foghorn Leghorn:


1. Use every opportunity you can to teach your kids. Ol' FGLG was always teaching that little chick something. Life is full of teachable moments if you slow down enough to make a lesson from them.

2. Your life should not be a lesson in what not to do. FGLG was constantly picking the wrong thing, and little chick was always saving him. (If I remember, it involved saving him from getting eaten by the bulldog but as I said, plot lines are vague) One of the rules of dysfunctional families is: do as I say, not as I do. When instruction and behavior are consistent, kids grow up healthy. When you tell them one thing, but do another, kids grow up confused and insecure. Being a good parent involves making the right choice for yourself.

3. Let your kids learn in the way that is comfortable to them. FGLG's only memorable quote was "I say, I say look at me son, when I'm talking to you." I think our instinct as parents is to demand respect. And respect is good, of course. But did you know boys can actually receive instruction/correction better if they are allowed to not keep eye contact? (Great book called Love and Respect explains this.) Teenage boys in particular, can have a much more open conversation if you let them be busy with some task while you are talking. My middle guy and I had a "feelings" conversation last week, which he detests, but it went pretty well because he rode his scooter in a million circles around the ping pong table in the garage while we talked. A little distracting to me, but it helped he tremendously to relax and open up.

4. Protect your kids from danger, but let them make mistakes. Again, if my memory is accurate, a big part of the plot with FGLG involved getting around the bulldog who was typically sleeping but ready to pounce upon awakening. There are a lot of real dangers in this world, both physical and spiritual. Be a wise parent. Much of what comes against our kids comes through technology. Stalk your kid's facebook page, look at their cell phones, don't let them keep you out of their business. In our house, the rules are annoying to my kids, but non-negotiable with us: cell phones go on chargers in the kitchen every night; we have passwords to everything or you can't have it (facebook, email, lap top); we can look at history on anything at any time (and we do randomly) and we meet/talk to parents where my kids want to spend the night. We are not, however, the sin police. I know none of these rules can keep my kids from messing up. But they will keep them from getting trapped in something before they know it.

5. Spend time with your kids. Involve them in your projects and plans. Help them be part of your life. If you start this when they are young, it will always seem normal. If you've never really built a relationship with your child, they will be resistant to this at times. But do it anyway. They need you to actively pursue them! Show them how important they are. Ask their opinion. Listen to the answer. Share your struggles and successes. And just hang out a lot around them.

All right, I know some of it was a stretch, but it is after all parenting lessons via a looney tunes cartoon character I barely remember. (Insert music here.) And that's all folks!

Breathe

I just finished a very intense Intensive Week at work. I love Intensive Week, but this particular week felt heavier. Some of it had to do with struggles the clients had faced. Some of it had to do with my personal and work schedule colliding. Some of it was the sheer number of hours I worked. But all week long I found myself stopping to breathe.

I have a special connection to breathing these days. Now before you get all sarcastic in your head, I am aware that we all have a special connection to breathing as it keeps us alive. But, about a year and a half ago I learned something new about myself. I struggle with anxiety. I never knew it because it felt normal to me. It's a fairly mild level, so it never caused me any significant disruptions, so it went mainly undetected. But my husband spent a month in India in Jan 2011 and I decided to take Valarian Root which is an herbal supplement for anxiety, specifically as it interrupts sleep. I had such a good month, in spite of the kids all getting the flu, a million snow days while I had to work and trying to be a single mom. When he got home, I quit taking the Valarian Root because I knew I'd be able to sleep again, and something funny happened. I could feel the difference. I was anxious and tearful and waking at night some. I finally put the pieces together that this is how I felt before but I'd never had a comparison. I was not shocked, but it was strange to say, "I have anxiety" when I never had known it before.

So, the counselor in me set about learning what works well for me in reducing my anxiety. Here's what I've found: following Jesus' instruction to live in the present and not worry about the future is very important. My friend at work Chandy reminds me to live on the day of the calendar I'm on, not try to live my whole week at once. It's so true when you have anxiety, you tend to get overwhelmed by looking too far ahead on your calendar. Jesus addresses this tendency in His word a lot by telling us that no one knows what the future holds, and we need to instead seek Him in the present moment. We are instructed to pray for "daily bread" not weekly or monthly bread. Why? Because God only gives you what you need for the moment you need it. He wants us to depend on Him every minute of every day.

The other thing I figured out is so simple it's elemental. Literally. Air and water. They are essential for everyone but especially helpful for the anxiety prone. Deep breathing has become a wonderful calming tool and I use it whenever I need it. Free, simple and you can do it anywhere. The studies say 10 deep breaths lower blood pressure, lower heart and rate and give you better oxygen sat's. Deep breathing is simple: close your eyes and picture a place where you feel completely relaxed and safe. Imagine yourself in that place (mine is the beach at dusk) and breath slowly and deeply in through your nose. Hold it for a count, then blow out through your mouth slowly. 10 times. It's amazing.

I drink much more water than I used too. Water helps absorb adrenaline in your system, so you feel more calm. Anxious people produce more adrenaline often times, so the water is a simple way to get back to a calmer place.

Here's the thing about being a christian and dealing with anxiety: I used to feel guilt or shame about it. Now I remember that God doesn't call me to be strong or perfect or together. In fact, it's when I come to Him in brokenness that He is most able to help me heal. And I do see Him using all kinds of things to help me heal. Including the air and water He created, and His word and His presence. 

Broken

About five or six years ago we went through a very strange season of everything breaking down. When I say everything, I mean we began to keep track of how many things were breaking and needing to be repaired- cars, our oven, plumbing, doors, cars again, plumbing again, our trampoline, on and on. It was a list of over 30 items spanning the course of six months. In the beginning it was frustrating, annoying, expensive. Then it became funny (almost) and still expensive. Then it turned maddening. Why was God letting all this happen? One time, we came home form a week long mission trip to inner city Atlanta and our plumbing had thrown up in the bathtub. Cleaning that up, after spending a week in the summer heat made for a lot of grumbling on my part. Finally when it was still happening, I just sort of gave up and accepted it.

Shortly after, I was showering one morning and I felt God say something to me, in my spirit. "You know how things keep breaking and just when you get them fixed something else breaks? You know how you are frustrated and mad and think it's not fair? That's what loving people is like. It's messy and they don't always stay fixed and you get mad and want to quit. Get ready. Loving people is hard because they are broken." (Really, soap suds in my hair and everything that's what I heard.) I have never before or since experienced a season like that. It was the best picture of what I was about to step into. Additionally, God doesn't usually speak to me quite like that. Normally I hear form Him through His word and prayer and worship. But this time, he needed to get my attention.

I've been doing counseling around four and a half years now. It's every bit as hard on some days as God was prepping me for. I do get mad at the brokenness. Not so much at the people, but at the darkness around them. The harm they have lived through. The harm they create with their sinful choices. The evil plot Satan is always twisting against God's creation. The way creation itself just breaks down. Broken.

I long for the day when all is made new. When restoration is final and nothing breaks again. But, in the meantime, I know one thing: Jesus did not come down here and march into the depths of hell and conquer sin and death and rise victorious for me to stick my head in the sand! There is a battle. You and I are in it whether we like it or not. It's messy and you can't predict the outcome of each skirmish. Sometimes people stay broken. Sometimes they get better only to break down again. And sometimes there is glorious, shocking victory. Those moments will take your breath away. You don't have to be a counselor to get in the battle. There are hurting people all around you, and they need you to love them, fight for them, believe they can be victorious through Christ.

Makes me want to watch Braveheart. It's an Intensive week at work and that always stirs my passion. But instead of watching a movie tonight I'm just in prayer over our city. And if you're reading this, I'm praying for you too. And while we're at it, I'll take any prayers you want to lift up for me this week as well.

5 Ways to Wreck Your Marriage

Ladies, (I assume you are all ladies except my dad who reads this- hi dad!) tonight I am on a soapbox of sorts. Not really a soap box exactly. More of a plea than an indictment. I am going to address ways women destroy their marriages. Why? Because I work with marriages in crisis. Because I see people who truly want to do the right things, but are doing the wrong things out of ignorance or hurt or anger. Because marriage is meant to be a beautiful picture of God's faithfulness, but I see so many dark pictures being painted. So, here we go friends, 5 sure fire ways to wreck/rob/destroy/tear down an otherwise healthy marriage:

1. Become friends with a man who is not your husband. I know, I know- everything in our culture says that intelligent, educated and well meaning people should be able to be married and have friends of the opposite sex and this is not a problem. But, our culture is wrong. Here's why this doesn't work for women: because we fall in love based on emotional connections. To be loved as a woman you have to be known and accepted. When I have a friend, who is not my husband, he hears my story about my boss treating me badly (or my kids driving me crazy or worse, my husband forgetting my birthday) and he empathizes. Then, I feel connected to him. Now that I have been "heard" I don't need to re-tell my story to my spouse, hence my connection to him lessens because he now knows me less. Over time, this eats away at intimacy between my husband and I. I may or may not actually "fall" for the guy I'm friends with, but my marriage is in jeopardy because I am less connected and vulnerable.

2. Text, email, facebook, chat or hang out with men, without your spouse. A bit of expounding on the first point, I realize, but this is a boundary that matters. Obviously, in business you may have to email or call a man, but it should always be kept professional and not personal in nature. Again, bonding to other men, weakens your connection to your husband. Also, there is a form of flirting that is easier to get sucked into via facebook and text than you would naturally engage in in person. When I counsel couples I tell them to have no room or way to keep secrets. The best policy is to always have each others passwords and have an "open book" approach. No one, I repeat no one, is above having an affair if the boundaries get dropped along the way.

3. Compare your husband to your dad, your pastor, your boss, your ex. Nothing will alter your perception of your spouse like mentally comparing all their faults to all the strengths you see in other men. You married a sinful person. (So did he.) Comparing in your mind, or out loud, is dangerous, because you will tend to devalue as a result. What might have seemed like an irritation or quirk in your husband becomes a glaring flaw when we hold him up to someone else as a standard. There is no other relationship on earth that allows you to know another person as deeply and as closely as marriage. As a result you see the good, bad and ugly in your spouse. You only see the good in the person you are comparing them to usually. Remember, they have a bad and ugly side too, that you aren't privy to. Whatever we focus on expands, so focus on the strengths and good traits in your husband. Find the positive comparisons in your spouse with Christ. Ask God to give you His eyes to see your husband.

4. Threaten to leave/divorce. When you got married you made a covenant before God to commit your life to this man. When we sew seeds of insecurity into our marriage through our words or actions, we erode the very love that brought us into the commitment in the first place. Additionally it does not paint the picture God intended marriage to be. Marriage is meant to mirror God's covenant with us- everlasting. Often in anger or frustration we speak words of doubt and unfaithfulness. "If you don't get your act together I'm out of here." or "I'm not sure if I can stand much more of this." Instead a wiser and more healthy choice is to speak commitment INTO your painful or difficult issue. "Because I am going to be married to you until I die, we are not going to continue in this pattern." or if you're really mad, "Because I have to spend the rest of my life with you, we are going to figure this issue out." It expresses the frustration, without creating insecurity. (As a side note, we are talking about a generally healthy marriage here. If you are dealing with active addiction, abuse or adultery- you may need to seek a separation for your safety. A good christian counselor can be very helpful in those situations.)

5. Turn your husband into your god. There is only one who can satisfy your every need, never fail you and love you perfectly. And you are NOT married to Him. Your relationship with God is the only way to truly experience the ind of love your soul has been craving your whole life. Your husband may be a great man- but he cannot be your god. If you expect him to do things that only God can do, you have set him up as a idol. This will destroy you both because he will never live up to your expectations, you will become needy and clingy and never satisfied. I know about this one personally because I struggle with this. I have to constantly remind myself to seek God, not my husband for my deepest needs. I can tell I have displaced God with my husband when I am disappointed by some action or lack of action. I tend to freak out and over react when I have my husband on the throne of my heart, but when God is in His rightful place I can express my feelings, forgive and move on. This lesson has been a painful one for me, and I am still learning it but I have been blessed to have women around me who help me "get over myself" and point me back to Jesus.

My love and I in India last fall

5 months later....

I am homesick for India and cannot explain that as this is my home and I was in India for a short time, but somehow I left a bit of my heart there. Today we ate Indian food and I have been nostalgic ever since. So, will you indulge me by looking through some of my pictures and memories?

sweet children listening to stories about Jesus

this pastor and his wife run an orphanage- they were precious!

banjera (gypsy) women and new sisters in Christ

the first family I got to share the gospel with

best trip leaders ever: Amy, Abraham, Scott and Timothy

Ok, just a snap shot of my memories and doesn't really do it justice, but thanks for reminiscing with me. If you've never been on an international mission trip I cannot stress enough how incredible it is. On our trip we saw 300+ people profess their faith in Christ, 6 new churches planted and many pastors encouraged!