Happy New Year!

There has been so much relaxing and eating and movie watching going on in my life over the past week I have been unwilling to break away to get back to blogging. I delight in the holiday season because I am off work, my kids are off school and we spend a large amount of time having fun together. The break from structure and schedule does my spirit good!

I've been trying to decide if I should attempt to recap 2012 month by month, or in picture form, but I really feel overwhelmed at that thought. There is always so much life packed into 365 days- how do you condense it to 12 events or pictures? I'm grateful for the fullness in my life- all the places we go, people we love, missions we engage in- but it makes a recap nearly impossible.

So instead I will share a few of the defining moments of this year for me......

my mother in law's surgery and recovery during May and June- exhausting but good time of pulling together as a family- so thankful she is recovering and better

reading the book Seven- humbling and challenging

Kyler getting his first job- aware that my first born is almost gone, less mothering to do-more praying

Klynt's journey with physical therapy after his elbow surgery- exhausting but some good bonding

the Habakkuk series at City Church- paradigm shift, learning to remember and wait

speaking at the LCG conference- God using me in a new way, giving me new opportunities

taking Emma to get her ears pierced- mother-daughter relationship really growing this year

beginning my Women's Group- creating deeper relationships for me as we all grow in our relationship with God

creating Millinery and blogging- a new adventure, writing- allowing me to be creative

2012. A challenging year for me on a spiritual level. I have learned a tremendous amount this year about the way the Gospel applies to every area of my life. I have enjoyed new friendships and been thankful for long standing relationships who are willing to continue to love me and point me to Jesus. I am grateful for my marriage, my children and my parents- all four of them (I have set a goal that none of them will have surgery next year!) I am aware of how quickly time passes, and am thankful for ways God has been teaching me to not waste that gift.

Happy New Year friends! Looking forward to sharing my 2013 journey with you!

Merry Christmas!

I am sitting listening to some acoustic guitar Christmas music taking a short break before hopping back up to continue with festive preparations for my Christmas Eve feast at my home. I am delighted with my Christmas season thus far. For some reason this year I have been extra festive. (which, for those who know me, is quite a statement as I am Christmas-crazy already) We started getting out decorations very early this year. We began with watching Elf in mid-November. I don't know if it's because last year I was mainly jet-lagged all December from my India trip or if it's because I'm realizing my oldest will not be home with me much longer and I want to extract every bit of family memory I can while he is still living at home. Maybe both. I also think this year I have been more reflective and introspective as a result of this little Millinery blogging adventure.

Either way, I have truly felt the blessing of Emmanuel this year- God with us. Knowing that is not who He was, but is, has been creating an abundance of joy that is oozing into cookies and snuggling on the couch and giving away money to my church's Mission Offering and sharing food with the needy at Greenhouse Ministries. He left glory, where everything is perfect and right, to join us in a dark and broken world. As one of us. Able to be hurt and harmed and broken. All for love.

Makes me feel like singing! And so I have been, singing Joy to the World and Angels We have Heard on High and O Holy Night. I hope in your heart and home there is joy welling up that leads to worship as well. Merry Christmas from my family to you!

Russell Family 2012

The darkness is fading

Winter solstice passed yesterday, so the darkest night of the year will be giving way to ever so slowly longer days. I love Winter Solstice because my husband proposed to me on that very day years ago, so it's a nostalgic reminder of God's gift in sending me him.

But I've been thinking about how dark our world has been of late, and I wanted to take a minute to remind you, Jesus acknowledged this very fact. He knew what a dark world He left glory to enter. And He chose to come to bring His light to lead us back to our Creator. But He didn't leave us in the darkness alone- He left His light in us, who are His children. He told us in fact, to "let our light shine before men" so that they too could find their way back to their Creator. It's tempting when we face the blackness to huddle together and keep our light to ourselves.

But if we claim to follow Jesus, we must go where He went. He left the brightest best place, to come into our brokenness. He leaves us no option for retreat. This is a battle and if you call yourself a christian, you've enlisted in the ranks. We must bring our light out front and center- not to battle against people but for them. We are against hatred, hopelessness, poverty, injustice, ignorance, selfishness, greed, idolatry and apathy. We are for broken, messy, sinful, sad, confused people- people who were and very much are like us. We've simply been bought out of the prison we put ourselves in and it's our job to bring the news to others. The same news the angels burst into the darkness to bring so many Christmas's ago:

"Do not be afraid! We bring you good news of great joy! Unto us this day a Savior has been born- He is Christ the Lord!"

Let's Get Real

One of the words people from my generation love to embrace is authentic. As in "I'm not fake. I tell it like it is. I don't wear a mask. I'm real." We sing it from the rooftops. No faking it. If I feel that way, I'm saying it. In fact, "I'm just sayin'" is a tag line we created as a bookend to end many a verbal commentary on someones outfit, opinion or life. I believe this desire to live authentically originated as a reaction to the "Beaver Cleaver" version of life many of us grew up feeling we should project to the world, when behind closed doors our family was anything but. But like all reactions, this motto of "Be Real" often times goes to an extreme that becomes as destructive as it's counterpart.

The solution is found in scripture and is very clear. We are instructed to "speak the truth in love" in Ephesians 5:15.  (Knowing truth is of utmost importance, because before I can express reality I need to know I'm grounded in it myself.  Jesus says, "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life" so a relationship with Him is the first place to go to begin to understand what reality is.) That is the boundary given to create a safe way to both be real and accept others' realness. If I speak the truth in arrogance, hate, self-righteousness, carelessness or apathy I am not within the realm of God's will. In fact, in 1 Corinthians 13, Paul goes as far as to say that without love, my words have as much meaning as an annoying clanging gong. Kind of like when you go to a restaurant that makes all the employee's come out to sing for a customer's birthday, but to quiet the joint they bang a gong really loudly. We have a Chinese restaurant we go to that does this. I try to avoid going if at all possible. 

God always gets to the heart of the matter doesn't He? He created us to be real, and have a real relationship with Him. No hiding, no faking- just broken me coming to Him accepting His love and being transformed by it. From that place of transformational, extravagant love we receive, we can then offer a new reality to others. I can choose to be concerned about their well-being, since my deepest needs have already been met. I can choose to be patient and kind in my words and actions, since God has been so patient and kind toward me. I can express truth, even if it's painful to others, with the lens of love in place. Without that, I may be simply be a lot of white noise at best. At worst, I may be part of the brokenness another human has to live through. The truth may create a wound, but the love comes to heal it. Jesus' death on the cross tells me I am more sinful than I ever knew. (ouch) But it also tells me I am more loved than I ever dared hope. The truth, in love.

Just for Fun

I just love Christmas! I know I've said it before, but it bears repeating: this is my favorite time of year! (as I type Bing is crooning God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, and Emma is singing along) So just to share all my joy, here are some of my most meaningful decorations in my home:

The Nativity from my childhood and a painting from my childhood best friend both sit by the front door

My Grandmother's nativity always sits on my mantle

My Santa collection lives in a shelf built by my Grandfather who I never met, but will one day!

Our tree this year- we have always done a live tree - I'm usually sweeping up needles in July!

My Christmas China- collected for me completely by my mom- who gave me my love of Christmas!

Shopping Fail

In the interest of being honest, here is my latest fail in my shopping fast:

Yes, they are super cute salt and pepper shakers. Yes, I did forget that I was on a shopping fast when I picked them up and saw they were clearanced to $1.50. And yes, I remembered the rules before I actually paid for them, but rationalized they were only $1.50 and I didn't want the clerk to think I was a weirdo and I wanted them.

Not shopping for myself is harder than I imagined in some ways. I'm discovering that part of what is hard is wrapped up in the way something new and shiny distracts me from stress. December is always a tight month financially for us- between Christmas with three kids, and taking unpaid time off work for me and Scott's part time job not using him- I can get a little stressed out about bills. And I have discovered when I feel that way, I tend to go shop for some little treat. How counter-productive is that??! But, in denying myself I am forced to face my quest for financial security, and it leaves me the space to turn to God. In confession of my fears. In repentance for trusting anything more than Him for provision. And in thanks for His grace and mercy and faithfulness to lead me closer to Him.

Forget Norman Rockwell

I was totally enjoying my cozy little "gaze at the Christmas tree while sipping a cup of coffee in the peaceful early morning" moment today when my cat began scratching and whining (loudly) at the mudroom door. I tried to tune him out but that cat makes a racket when he feels the indignity of not being fed at 5:30 am. Promptly. So I had to get up and go feed him, then I noticed the hairball he had kindly left on the rug, so I had to get that cleaned up and my cozy moment was done. By the time I finished it was time to get the little sweet pea up. Norman Rockwell moment- done.

Which got me to thinking about how at the holidays we are often trying to find those "perfect, facebook worthy pictures" to capture and document for ourselves and everyone else that we really do live A Wonderful Life. (insert bell ringing on tree, and cue the music.....) I grew up watching The Cosby Show and Family Ties and I always loved how in any awkward or tense moment the parents or kids had just the right comment to add humor or knew exactly how to empathetically communicate just the right words so that Vanessa would agree she had been unkind to Rudy. And there would be hugging and maybe a tear or a poignant smile and, cue the music..... But, life is just not that scripted. It's real and our best moments are not always captured in a photo. And often the pursuit of a special moment is full of angst and stress and disappointment.

My husband, who generally speaking, dislikes anything scripted or structured has taught me a lot, at the holidays especially, about letting moments naturally evolve. Not putting so much pressure on myself to create them or on others to respond in the way I have pictured in my head. Sometimes 15 year olds pout during your office party. Sometimes no one likes the holiday meal you tried from Southern Living. Sometimes you're too tired to actually enjoy the fun family event you planned. It's just life.

But, if you stop to breath and reflect, you may discover (as I have) that there are many wonderful little Norman Rockwell moments you didn't plan that occur if you can have eyes to see them. Sometimes your 15 year old plans to spend $50 of his own birthday money on his brother because he wants to be more generous this year. Or your entire family is unexpectedly home and sitting around the dinner table laughing. Or your husband spends four hours fixing the lights on the tree after they go out just so it will be beautiful for the season. Or the cat sleeps in.

Living in Extreme's

I woke up today with a scratchy throat. No severe pain but the kind that makes you say, "Oh dear. Am I getting sick??!" This awareness resulted in a little conversation in my head about the wisdom of sleeping longer vs. going to the gym. Sleep won out today. However, the internal dialogue went on longer than you might imagine because the truth is I have fear. Fear of not being a faithful exerciser if I miss a scheduled morning. My fear is based on years of evidence that supports it. In the past, I tended to start strong- sort of a boot camp mentality. Than after 2 weeks, or maybe three, some obstacle would present itself and completely derail all my progress. Until guilt, or the inability to fit into my pants, would prompt me to begin the cycle all over again. All or nothing- never worked for me, always worked against me.

Currently I am approaching my entire goal of faithful exercise from a different perspective. Instead of focusing on some specific number on a scale or size I want to be, or even how many times a week I made it to the gym, I am focusing on being grateful for the healthy body God has blessed me with and from that gratitude, I am responding with steps to be a good steward of this body. Exercise being one such step. Rest, healthy eating (we aren't discussing that one till January!) and taking vitamins are also part of the overall plan. In the past I was simply too extreme. I am attempting to be more balanced and kinder to myself so that on a day when I wake up with a scratchy throat, I can choose to not work out with no guilt or fear.

I've noticed with my women friends, there is a strong tendency to live in one extreme or the other:

Have a picture perfect home, or let it be trashed in despair. 

Look perfectly "fixed" all the time, or never get out of sweat pants and baggy T-shirts. 

Have a quiet time every day, or go months without reading God's Word. 

We swing back and forth like pendulums, reacting to one extreme by going to the other. In my life, I have found I "swing" more when my motives are trying to impress others or prove my worth. Am I keeping my home clean and organized to be thought of as "so together" by my friends or so that my family is blessed by having a comfortable and inviting place to retreat from the world and rest? Because if it's the latter, it won't matter if the house looks ready for a photo shoot at all times and I won't feel like a failure if the floors aren't vacuumed or there are dishes in the sink. This applies to every area we tend to be extreme in. Examining our hearts and motives can reveal that we are doing the right thing for the wrong reason, which will never yield a peace and joy-filled life.

Happy December!

So in no particular order here are the wonderful things I love about December:
real Christmas tree in my living room
the non-stop carols on the radio
apple cider
The Grinch and Charlie Brown and Rudolph movies
real cards in the mail
shopping for my kids
candles everywhere in my house
holiday comfort food
Santa collection in the hallway
my Grandmother's nativity on my mantle
decorating my Branches office
Murfreesboro Christmas Parade
picking out Christmas-y outfits for me and Emma
pulling out years of decorations and the memories that go with them
hot cocoa
scarves and mittens
candy canes
Starbucks christmas-y drinks
our Square for shopping
visiting with friends and family
reading the story of the birth of Christ all month
school parties
paper snowflakes
wrapping gifts
decorating our tree
going light looking
It's a Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th Street
using my Christmas china
poinsettia's
school being out
the potential for snow and the ensuing excitement from my kids
Christmas cookies- sugar, macaroons, peanut butter hershey kisses
homemade candies
ABC Family 25 days of Christmas
advent calendars
nutcrackers
Opry Hotel Lights
glitter and sparkle and bows and ribbons
angels, which remind me of my grandmother
Christmas mugs for coffee and cocoa
wearing Christmas jammies
light poles around town all decorated
Christmas stamps and mailing packages
Angels We Have Heard on High and Joy to the World- my favorite carols
Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra and Perry Como CD's
wearing Santa hats
snowmen and gingerbread men
my kids old Santa photos lining my mirror
Southern Living Christmas cookbooks
Christmas Eve
Christmas service at church
mocha punch and yummy Christmas morning breakfast
watching the kids open gifts
Christmas dinner
Christmas day phone calls from family far and wide

Hope your December is full of the wonder and beauty that comes with celebrating Jesus!

Titus Two 4 U - Use What You've Got!

"Poverty is the mother of Creativity" is a quote from my childhood bestie, Caryn Dahm (of http://www.ragtagrubies.com/  a totally awesome upcycled crafting and art business).

It's true! As I am fasting the "shopping for self" I normally engage in, I am discovering a creative side to me I have always overlooked. So this morning, as I was feeling a bit restless I pulled some items I had around the house and created a little holiday mudroom entrance and it turned out pretty cute and it cost me nothing! Win, win, win!

If you read my blog about Pinterest a few months ago (I have since repented of my non-pinteresting ways) you know I tried to create a letter for an "alphabet wall" as a baby shower gift, which did not quite work out because I could not get the yarn t cover the ends of the letter. BUT as a "homespun" addition to this wreath it was perfect! I rummaged around my garage and found this old sled and a wreath that I was never very happy with, so I stripped it and started over. Anyway, not totally finished with the whole display, but it's got my creative juices flowing.

So, aside from just decorating, this got me to thinking about the bigger principal of using what has already been provided instead of asking for more. Whether it's showing hospitality to friends or ministering to the needy or using your gifts to serve your family or reaching out to those who do not know Christ- God has provided each of us with a set of "talents" and "treasures" to use to accomplish his purposes for us. It's easier to keep looking at other's treasures and saying "If only I was a better cook, or a more skilled teacher or a more impactful writer....." as a way to deflect the responsibility of obedience. Or as a way to avoid fear of failure. Or both.

But, remember, God gave YOU talents and treasures that others don't possess. They are meant to be used. Perhaps clumsily or even inadequately, but it is not you who is really working them. God works through you. You are the steward, He is the giver. You begin but He finishes. 

Sisterhood at Christmas

Today I had a fabulous day that started out with me in tears. There are just days where I miss my sisters and mom. The day after Thanksgiving is one of them. I'm not sure why exactly. We didn't grow up with any definite traditions- no Black Friday madness or anything like that. But I just remember the feeling of that day always involved Christmas Spirit. It was like we opened the page of a book declaring the Christmas Season upon us and the festive nature enveloped us. Sometimes we cleaned the house and put out decorations. Sometimes we watched Christmas movies like Miracle on 34th Street or White Christmas. (Which incidentally has a whole silly song about sisters that I love to sing.) Sometimes we went out for a little bit of wandering in the mall and having Barnie's coffee- Santa's White Christmas- the official flavor of Christmas as declared by me. (Also the only downside to living in TN at Christmastime is the lack of Santa's White Christmas Barnie's coffee- FL friends feel free to mail me some!

So after  a brief tearful meltdown, and then instructions to my husband about not looking at me like I'm a weirdo when I'm crying about things that make no sense to him (he claims to have been marveling at the difference between men and women- I told him marvel on his own time- when your wife is crying you must look upon her with empathy and pat her hand and say "there, there") I decided I needed some girl time with my best girl. So I picked out some festive clothes for Em and we set off into the Black Friday world with no real pressure to accomplish one specific thing, but hoping to get a little shopping done while shaking off the blues.

Without even trying to we created a new tradition. I'm sure we'll be doing this for years to come. It was the first year Emma was old enough to be trusted with seeing the other family members gifts. (I think. I hope.) We giggled a lot about how silly the boys are and how much fun we were having without them. I told her the story of my tearful meltdown and how daddy shook his head at me in disbelief, and she said- "Oh mom, I know exactly what you're talking about. I've seen you with Aunt Anne- I know why you need your sister." Then later I found this really, ridiculously good deal on a case with 45 eye shadows. For $5. And I loved it. I was about to put it in the cart-

 "Mom, who are you getting that for?" 

"Um, well, I guess I was getting it for me." (she nods knowingly)

"That's what I thought. Guess you better put it back, huh?"

(gulp)"Yep, guess so. Thanks for keeping me honest."

Turns out the sisterhood I needed was available in my daughter. Amazing. 

Quick Thoughts

Tonight's thoughts are short and sweet, sponsored by "Gone-With-the-Wind-Comes-on-TV-Tonight-and-I-Still-Have-a-Few-Loose-Ends-to-Tie-Up-Before-Bed".

If your busyness is focused on making yourself look good, making your kids look good, getting people to like or be impressed with you, personal gain or creating temporary security it will lead to frantic, stressed out living. Temporary happiness replaced by deep emptiness. And the need to continually engage in more of the same.

If your busyness is focused on bringing glory to your creator, blessing your family and friends and reflecting God's love to hurting and broken people- all the while knowing none of the "works" you do make God love you any more than He already does- then it will lead to joy.

I have lived in both types of busyness. It requires honest inner assessment for me to really know my motives, and at times I'm sure they're a little of both. But, choosing to ask why I'm so busy is a good place to start. 

So tonight as you get ready for a big day of feasting, remember to focus on Jesus. His love and redemption offered at the cross. And allow that to fuel the choices you make. Or don't make. 

That is all. Off to watch one of my childhood favorites......

How Mocha Punch is the tie that binds....

We were standing in church after service visiting tonight when a friend asked in earshot of Emma if we had any traditions for Thanksgiving as a family. Emma piped right up and said "In my family, we have this thing we do. We get up and have mocha punch in the morning."

I have been drinking mocha punch since I was a teenager and my mom discovered the recipe from a friend and made it for our family. This was pre-Starbucks, people and a delicious, creamy coffee punch was absolute heaven. Mom started making it for holidays. When I left home and began a family I craved that delicious treat so I began making it too. Of course, when the boys were little they didn't even like it. I'd make this whole punch bowl full and drink most of it myself. (this, in large part, explains why I always gained weight during the holidays) As they got bigger, my holiday menu's varied year to year, but mocha punch was always part of the feast. Recently one of the boys was asking why I don't make it more often as it is his "reason for even liking the holidays" (this is my dramatic child) and I told him we have to have things to look forward to and count on to create memories. (I believe he rolled his eyes)

But it's true. As a family of teenagers and a big kid, I see so clearly how those little family traditions bring us all together. The kids can giddily anticipate the twice a year arrival of Mocha Punch. They can complain together when it runs out. They love to talk about it to friends as the thing "we love" that mom fixes. I really didn't know when I started making it, it would become a ritual we couldn't live without. That's the thing about creating traditions- you have to be open to discovering which traditions fit your family. Pinterest is full of wonderful and clever ideas- but you just have no way of knowing which ones your family will end up insisting upon year after year.

So, in honor of my sweet family, I am posting my Mocha Punch recipe for you. Happy Thanksgiving Week!

Mocha Punch

2 cups boiling water, mixed with 1 1/4 cups sugar
2 oz. instant coffee

1 gallon 2 % milk

1/2 gallon vanilla bean ice cream

4 tsp. pure vanilla extract

Combine sugar water and instant coffee. Place in a container with lid overnight in the fridge.

In the morning, in a big punch bowl, pour coffee syrup, milk and vanilla. Scoop ice cream into bowl and allow to dissolve slightly before serving.

Makes 1 punch bowl, serves 20. (Or in my case- a family of 5.)

In the thick of it....

Help! I am in withdrawls. There is shopping mania abounding via internet and TV commercials and mailers and facebook posts. It's all I can see. I cannot imagine at this moment why I ever decided to go on a six month shopping fast. Why didn't I even consider how cheaply I could get a cute new holiday dress? Or how much I love to go through the drive through of Starbucks while out shopping for gifts? Why didn't any of you intervene?? I am 2 1/2 months into this idea and I'll tell you right now, it stinks.

I suppose, it's possible that in the deprivation I feel, God may be speaking. Whispering something to me about how "stuff" doesn't really satisfy- as evidenced by all the stuff around me I acquired prior to this moment. How I could sometimes, occasionally use shopping as a diversion to dealing with feelings or issues. I mean, I guess that could be part of what God is trying to tell me. But right now with all the Target jingles ringing in my ears it's hard to tell.

Titus Two 4 U - Develop a Job Description

Nobody ever interview's you from HR before you take on the biggest job of your life. There is no explanation of benefits, call back's for second interviews or checking your references. Basically God decides you are qualified and nine months after beginning the process you are hired as "Mom".

So from then on there is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job you are responsible to complete.

That seems almost impossible. And certainly it requires utter dependence on God to give you grace and strength daily. But, I have also come to see that the mom's I have known who are the most joyful and least stressed have given themselves a more defined job description than "All related tasks to Little Johnny are the sole responsibility of this woman 24/7." It might look something like this-

Mother shall be responsible for the feeding and care of Little Johnny daily from 6am until 8pm. During alternate hours she will share on-call duties with Father. She will maintain a safe environment for him, provide emotional and spiritual development and see that his basic needs are met. This mother does not participate in school projects, costume making or exposure to loud noises- such as parades or monster truck races. Those needs will be met by father, or hired out. All hair cuts and shoe shopping shall also fall under father's responsibilities. In the event that the child becomes sick, mother will cease any other normal functions and see completely to the care of the child, and shall be expected to accomplish normal daily tasks on an "as able" basis, such as cooking dinner, doing laundry, taking a shower, etc. As the child ages, morning hours shall change to reflect the mother's need to sleep and the child's ability to help himself to a bowl of cheerios and turn on cartoons for an hour. Mother will create and maintain traditions for the child, such as Sunday morning pancakes, but all traditions are subject to revision as seen fit by the mother. Mother always shares with father: doctor visits, parent-teacher conferences, Christmas Eve construction jobs, interviewing potential team members (ie, babysitters and coaches). Mother receives one night a month and two weekends a year "off duty" paid leave. Mother always chooses a restaurant to be taken to on Mother's Day for lunch. Mother gets first pick of photo opp's upon completion of raising child at high school graduation. And in the year following release of child into adulthood, Mother shall be given the option to take a trip to Europe.

Now, I'm not saying this reflects my particular job description, but I will say I don't do parades. The bottom line is every mom is unique and has parts of the job she does really well and other parts she can't tolerate. Recognizing which parts you need to hand off to dad/grandparents or hire out frees you up to enjoy and excel in the areas you love. And deciding ahead of time it's okay to have some basic "hours" gives you the mental break needed to endure. 

A new thought for me on thanks

Read a quote today I liked in keeping with the facebook "Thankful November" theme so many of my friends are participating in:

"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." -G.K. Chesterton

Today has not started off as my favorite. It was incredibly cold so I waited to go work out till after I took Emma to school, which has thrown off my usual morning-before-long-work-day routine. My sweet middle son is still home sick with strep throat and that means I will leave him here with a TV tray stocked with meds and drinks, but still, fending for himself for the afternoon. I am feeling a tiny, little bit run down myself, but am refusing to give that much thought as we are heading to Thanksgiving and I cannot even entertain the notion of missing out on the fun and spending my 5 days off work in bed. (shudder)

So when I came across this quote it stopped me in my tracks for a second. I'm not feeling overly thankful or grateful today, yet this way of looking at "thanks" as a form of thought was uplifting- thanks is more than a specific thought- it is a way of thinking. And when I consider gratitude as happiness doubled by wonder it resonates. It is full of wonder indeed, that God loves me. That in fact, though I am not deserving, He sent His Son Jesus, to die in my place and give me credit for His perfect life. All to reconcile me back to God. There has never been more wonderful news. When I frame my thoughts through that wonderful news- well, my happiness and thankfulness seem to inflate. To rise up in me and expose many more blessings my heart might tend to miss when I simply try to find something in the current moment to give thanks for. 

Titus Two 4 U - Needs vs. Wants

I was so happy to get an extra hour of sleep this morning! Resetting my clocks after daylight savings time ends is quite thrilling. It's 7am- wait, no, it's only 6am!! I am always thinking if I could just add a 25th hour to my day it'd be "perfect". (Which I realize is like saying, essentially, God should have added an extra hour to the whole earth rotation, which I'm pretty sure fringes on heretical) Anyway, that whole inner dialogue got me thinking about how often I say "I need _________" but when I break it down, it's really not true. I want ___________. But I don't need it. Sometimes it's "stuff" I think I need. But my current "shopping fast" is proving to me it's not true. (Let me add, as a side note, this is becoming VERY challenging as we approach holidays!! I keep forgetting, truly. Then I remember. Then I have to remind myself why this seemed like a good idea.) Sometimes it's things for my kids. Sometimes it's more rest or less stress. Sometimes I think I need more fun in my life. But God was bringing to mind the verse in Proverbs 31 about the wife of noble character last night, and a thought hit me. One of the reasons her family is so taken care of is she prepares for their needs.

I think as an American mama, I sometimes get it backward. I am busy preparing for wants, then the needs get pushed to the back. My kids want fun, new stuff, food they like, time to play. They need spiritual guidance, emotionally present parents, nutritious food/basic clothing. Now these are not necessarily opposed to one another. Sometimes I can provide all of them. But, when I can't do it all, the needs should trump the wants. It's easier to see this with my kids than myself however.

I need daily time with Jesus- I want to surf facebook or blog. I need nutritious food- I want dark chocolate and diet coke. I need meaningful relationships with other women who speak truth and love me well- I want friends who like me and are impressed with my efforts. I need a husband who loves me unconditionally- I want a husband who agrees with me.  I need to get a good night's sleep- I want all the dishes out of the sink or the floor vacuumed. Again, these are not always opposed to one another. But too often I choose what I want over what I need. So as we are in the month of Thankfulness I want to take a minute to thank God for meeting my needs. And ask for His help in choosing to take that portion of provision instead of passing over it to find what I want.

Happy Trick or Treat Day!

2012- the Fox and the Bat(girl)

Just for fun, I've been reminiscing about Halloween's past and remembering some of my favorite kid's costumes of yester-year.....

when I only had two babies....

happy ladybug girl

princesses!

he was a great ninja

being goofy, literally and figuratively

Zorro, no costume and ladybug

Look at her sweet smile...

this one just looks awkward all the way around....

another sweet face- and no I cannot figure out how to turn this!

"a blessing in disguise"

Elfeba from Wicked

Chef Hat- French Onion Chicken

This is a great weeknight dish for me because I can prep it before I leave for work and then someone can throw it in the oven and cook the rice and ta-da! Dinner is waiting on me when I get home at 8ish.

1-2 lbs boneless, skinless chicken breast cubed
2 cans reduced fat cream of mushroom soup
2 cans french style green beans, drained or 1 bag frozen green beans
1 envelope onion soup mix
1 can french fried onions (optional)

Layer cubed chicken, green beans in glass baking dish. Combine onion soup mix with soups and spread on top. Cover with foil and bake at 350 for 45 minutes. Uncover (and top with french fried onions of using) and bake 5-10 minutes more until bubbly. Serve over rice.

This serves 6 and makes very yummy leftovers- in fact, it's what I just ate for lunch before heading into work!

Bookend Birthdays

So today is my last day at 38. Tomorrow I will be 39 and officially living my last year of this decade. It is the book end on a really great period in my life. I have loved, loved my 30's. God has worked me through lots of emotional and spiritual junk, I began a career, I gave birth to my bookend baby, traveled to Brazil and India to make Jesus famous and it has generally been a time of great blessing by God, full of transitions. In these nine years I have changed houses, churches and work life. I went from a mom of "littles" to a mom of teens + one big girl. I went from working part-time to full-time. My friendships have shifted. Thankfully, my primary relationships are stronger and my love for God is deeper than they were when I began this decade. What a blessing!

As I sit here, sipping my coffee and thinking of this last year in the 30's I feel somewhat excited and motivated to close this era with gusto. You know, to look back and say my 39th year really reflected all that my 30's taught me and blessed me with. So, to that end I have a few small (or big, depending on your perspective) goals for life over the next 365 days:

to be in better shape physically than I was when I began this decade- since I've been very open about my struggles to exercise faithfully, you know this will be a challenge. But since I have come to the conviction that I want to be a good steward of the body and health that God has given me, it has been a little easier. My plan to reach this goal is to continue to work out four days a week, cut back even further on diet cokes and bring some strength training into my cardio.

to try something new- I am a self professed "hamster on a wheel" so trying new things is always in intentional choice. But I am keeping my eyes and ears open to an opportunity God might present to grow me through attempting something I've never done. I'll keep you posted.

to faithfully spend time connecting to God- this is another pattern of inconsistency I deeply desire to change. This is my year to do it! My church is a beautiful encouragement to me in this area as we are memorizing God's word together and studying through books of the bible in sermons. I am serious about becoming a woman who depends on God and not my own strength, personality or gifting. My plan is to simply spend time in prayer and reading God's word on a very consistent basis. I won't say every day, because for me that tends to become legalism- something to check off a list that proves I'm "good" but I do want my life to be characterized by a pattern. In fact, I guess the goal would be at the end of the year to feel my day was not quite normal if I hadn't spent intentional time with God.

to rejoice in the gifts of the moment and spend less time wasted on worry- I read a quote recently, I think it was Donald Miller, which said "God created this wonderful world full of awe and beauty and placed you in it to learn from it, care for it and see His glory. And you can't do that sitting on the couch watching TV all the time." So true! To which I would add, you can't do that worrying about what tomorrow might bring. This moment is a gift. Right now, sitting here with this laptop and my cozy blanket and my needy cat. My lungs work, my heart works, my kidneys work. My family is safe. My needs are met. These are gifts I don't deserve. I have not earned the right to have them. I want to live in such a way that as I enter my 40's I am constantly aware that every moment- the fun, the tiring, the good, the painful, the sweet, the sad, the ordinary and extraordinary- are all from God and all to be lived to His glory.

Me and the hubs going out for my 39th Birthday Date!

I am closing this blog with a prayer of thanks to my Lord:

Dear Father, thank you for giving me life- both physically 39 years ago and spiritually! What a blessing to live knowing who you are and what you have done for me. I thank you for all my gifts, but most importantly for your son's death and resurrection that gives me hope, and life and joy. This has been such a good year. I have cried a bunch with you over hurts of letting go. Over tensions in relationships. And in those tears you have taught me so many good things about myself and my need to be loved that I try to fill in many ways outside of you. Thank you for teaching me to depend on you to fill my heart. I have also delighted in my children growing up and seeing their lives unfold. Thank you, thank you, thank you for allowing me to be their mom another year. Thank you for challenging me to hold them "open palmed" and preparing me for them to spread their wings soon. I have treasured times with both my moms this year. Thank you for giving them another year of life and health, that I may love them better and learn to honor them more for who they are in my life. I have learned so much this year about myself in my marriage. Thank you for giving Scott and I the grace to love one another through the good, bad and ugly. He is still my very best friend and I am deeply grateful for every day we are given together. Finally I am amazed that you have given us a church family where we are challenged and loved. City Church has been one of my very favorite presents from you this year- may I be as much a blessing to this family as they have been to me and my family. In Jesus' Name- Amen.

Style and Acceptance

I enjoy being a stylish girl. I really do. But I find that I am always a little slow with catching up to whatever the newest "look" is. When flat ironed hair came "in" about 12 years ago, I was still getting spiral perms. When pointed-toe shoes came in, I was still loving my snub-nosed clogs from 2 seasons before.  And when belts made a huge come back, well, I'm still getting used to them- I currently only own one and I'm not convinced I'm wearing it right.

I have to really watch how people are wearing the latest look and study it and watch blog outfit posts to gain the confidence to try it. I think I lack an innate sense of style, so I mimic others. I would have been kicked off Project Runway immediately. (which would have been fine with me because there seem to be unnecessarily high levels of drama involved in every episode.....)

As a teenager, I could disguise this lack of style awareness by spending large amounts of time shopping and paying attention to others. When I first had babies, I went through a period of not really caring about staying current in fashion, because I just figured, "oh well, I'm a mom now and that doesn't matter". Then when I was suddenly single again, I got concerned about how "dated" I looked and how that might affect "dating". I got remarried and have spent my late 20's through late 30's trying to figure out what my style is, and how to be current without being too young or too trendy. I'm too busy to spend hours trolling the internet or reading magazines. If I had to give my style a label it might be "cute and girly meets classic off the clearance rack" I find myself asking:

 at what age do I stop wearing actual shorts? can I shop at Forever 21? Is it really ok for my bra straps to show a bit from under my tank top straps? How long are we going to be "belting" because I don't want to buy a bunch of belts if they'll be "out" in a season or two. Are skinny jeans already out, or can I keep wearing them? 

I realize none of these thoughts are very deep or particularly life altering. They are simply reflection of the fact that I have never outgrown the desire to be lovely or stylish. What I have (thankfully) learned is that my acceptability and worth cannot be fulfilled by achieving either desire. I listened to some friends today talking about the struggle to feel acceptable in their own skin, after babies or age catching up with them or simply because they are overweight currently. It struck me as we all talked that being lovely is a good desire- but unless you believe you are already seen in that light be the One who will always love you perfectly, insecurities will surface. One of the good gifts of aging is the greater acceptance of myself for who God made me to be- small, curvy, girly. And style challenged. 

Totally Terrific Tuesday

Reasons in no particular order that Tuesday was good:

1. I got to go work out with my two teenage sons at 5:30 am, which means a. I have two children God has blessed me to love for 17 and 15 years respectively b. both are healthy enough to work out c. both are motivated and have goals d. they like me enough to be seen with me (at least by the 13 other people at the Y)

2. My energy lasted all day. As my friend Doris says, Thank-the-lujah!

3. During my shopping fast I'm being forced to think outside the box about my outfits. Today I pulled off a new one that was, as a bonus, totally comfy for my long day.

4. My friends are having an adoption benefit to raise money for their adoption from Colombia. This excites me. I enjoy thinking about what wonderful parents they will be. I also enjoy thinking about how adoption is a beautiful picture of the gospel. They have been waiting for two years on this process- anything that feels like it moves them forward is good.

5. My friend at work did beautifully in her surgery yesterday and the doctors caught the cancer early. (Still praying for her total recovery)

6. My husband is handling planning my birthday. I do not feel like planning my own this year, so I am delighted.

7. Gave Emma the photo of Welly the cat curled up on a suitcase (which is his very favorite thing to sleep on) that my parents developed, even adding a soft focus effect (hilarious). Emma was delighted and made immediate plans to hang the picture in her locker at school for all to see her beloved cat.

8. Gorgeous, flaming red sugar maple tree I see on my way to work. (love, love, love fall!)

9. Was reminded today that it's never too late to change your thinking or habits. The line from the Switchfoot song went rumbling through my head- "This is your life. Are you who you wanna be?" I'm so thankful that God has done so much transformation in my thinking which has led to changes in the way I feel and act. I like who I am becoming, and I feel free to admit I have so much work yet to do.

10. French Onion Chicken for dinner. Healthy, frugal and tasty= my kind of dinner!

Titus Two 4 U - Spider Webs

It's October and I'm feeling inspired by all the creepy decor popping up around town. Currently I'm staring at a web that is attached on one side to my living room lamp and the other side to my living room wall. I have no idea how long this little web has been there but to make myself feel better, I shall assume it was created overnight, and not three weeks ago. Here's the interesting thing about spiders in Tennessee- they are shockingly fast at creating their webs! One time I left my car window down over night, and I kid you not, the entire window was filled with a web in the morning when I went to get in my car. Not only are they fast- they are persistent. I had this one spider (I assume it was one- maybe it was several which would explain a lot, but ruin the example, so..... let's move on) that would create a new web every day after I would knock the old one off my mailbox. Every day. For a really long time- maybe a year. I'd go out to get the mail, brush off the web and go inside. Next day, I'd go back out to get the mail, and new web. Exact same spot. It was a battle of wills with that spider. I think I won- it's hard to be sure with spiders.

So, these industrious Tennessee spiders got me thinking about life. Here's the thing: spiders just do what they're made to do, regardless of the result. Knock down their web and they will build another one. No gripping about how hard they worked or how awful failure feels. No pouting or complaining or saying "I quit!" They just keep right on making their webs.

In my life, sometimes I have worked really, really hard trying to follow God's leading, only to feel like all my efforts were for naught. The relationship didn't get better, the checkbook is still crazy tight, the kids are still going through whatever stage of rebellion or frustration, the laundry- oh the laundry! You know what I mean. It's as if all the hard work and emotional energy and conversations and planning and praying have not quite succeeded in accomplishing the beautiful "web" my mind was set on. It's sad, and hard and it makes me want to shake my fist in the air (Scarlet O'Hara style) and say "I quit!" But what that really shows is I am most concerned with the results of my life- not the process. God however, is more about the  process. Excuse the stretch here but it's kind of like Mr. Miagi in Karate Kid. Ralph Machio is so mad about having to "wax on- wax off" and "paint the fence" he wants to quit. It all seems so pointless as his goal is to learn some tricks he can use to keep from getting beat up on a regular basis, but Mr. Miagi is teaching him everything he needs, even though he can't see it.

So, sweet friends, keep doing what God made you to do. Be the wife, mom, friend, worker, sister, daughter, aunt that God has called you to be. Mostly and mainly, be a worshipper of Him! Perseverance, the Bible says, produces character, which in turns produces hope. You don't get hopeful by giving up and throwing in the towel. You get there by continuing to do the next right thing, over and over and over, until one day your character is changed. And it is in that change that hope appears. 

Chef Hat - I tried a new recipe....

Okay people, I just tried a new recipe and it was a winner! I don't really share recipe's a lot, as there's no reason with Pinterest supplying all we could ever want or need in ideas for dinner. However, this was yummy, yummy and fairly good for you, and filled up my family, plus we had leftovers. So for your dinnertime pleasure:

Firehouse Chicken

5 boneless skinless chicken breasts (either pounded flat, or butterflied open at the thickest part)
5 slices mozzarella cheese
5 pieces lunch meat or thinly sliced ham
seasoned bread crumbs
shredded mozzarella
1 can fat free cream of chicken soup
1/4 cup white wine (I used cooking wine tonight)
2 tbsp. reduced fat mayo

Wash the chicken, then pound or butterfly thin, coat in seasoned bread crumbs. Lay 1 slice each ham and mozzarella on the chicken, then roll up and secure with toothpicks. Lay toothpick side down in a glass baking dish. Mix soup, wine and mayo then pour over chicken bundles. Top with additional shredded mozzarella. Cover and bake 45 minutes at 375. Serve with brown (or white) rice.

This was good enough for company, but I put it together in about 15 minutes. 

Titus Two 4 U - Make the Most of Time

There is an old, famous poem (and I'm sure most people know who wrote it, but alas I do not) that says "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may...." I don't even know the rest of it- just that line. The significance of it hit me tonight. We came home from church and the boys went off with a friend to hang out instead of having dinner with us. "Doing their own thing" is a theme in my house right now. So it was just Emma, the husband and I around the table- and it hit me. I am at a crossroads in motherhood.

Two nights ago after a particularly tough conversation with my 15 year old I was feeling down. And to be honest, somewhat sorry for myself. It's hard work loving a teenage boy who is not in the mood to love you back, but rather to let you know just how much he thinks you should be different. Less or more of anything than who and what you are. Ouch. Then today my oldest walked in to announce how delicious his friend's mother's birthday cakes are. "Not that yours are bad, but hers are just so much better" (I'm paraphrasing but that was the jist) This is the same child who I overheard telling a friend that his birthday party is kind of a disappointment this year. Sigh.

They are pulling away. It's time and it's normal. And it hurts. I want them to grow up and become men. And I want them to always be close to me. But I have to let go of the one to allow the other. So as I'm feeling all this emotion I look up after dinner to see my nine year old twirling around the living room with her daddy, dancing and laughing. In a split second, my boys were nine and seven and we were around the table listening to music and cracking jokes at dinner every night. They were imitating daddy and vying to get our attention with jokes. I blink and they are annoyed, distant teenagers, struggling with all their might for independence and freedom. I realize with a sudden feeling of panic and a lump in my throat that hurts when I swallow that very, very soon my nine year old will be in the same place. Oh I know it's a few years off- but considering that 17 years has felt like a slow blink, that hardly comforts.

when my children were all littles....

So this is me on a sad day. Not all days with teenagers are like this. Mainly I have loved my sons journey's into these years. But today I feel the loss. How I want so badly to slow time down and let me make sure I poured enough love and faith into them. What if I didn't? What if I missed something terribly important? How I worry that our relationship will never quite be as close as those early years when they could climb up in my lap for hugs. How I wish I could know what goes on in their heads and hearts, but understand the need for them to keep some feelings and thoughts private. And the need to share some with anyone but mom.

So, I have many rosebuds I can no longer gather. And I have some left to pick. I intend to make the most of the few short years I have left with my sons at home, and continue to treasure every second I'm given with my whole family under one roof. And pray like crazy for the grace to hold them with an open palm.

My Crafty Daughter and Her Non-Crafty Mother

There is simply nothing that delights Emma more than a new bag of pom-pom's or some paints or a tube of glitter glue. I mean, literally nothing. She just has crafting fever and it's almost contagious. We had fun today because I decided to make a "Mumkin" from pinterest. (yes, I remember posting about how I don't use pinterest, but lately I have discovered it's kind of genius.....) Anyway, Em and I made the Mumkin together but seeing as how it really just involves scooping out pumkin guts and dropping a mum in it- she was unfulfilled. So we decided to go to the Dollar Tree near our house where she could buy a few Halloween type supplies to craft something a little more up to her skill level.

When we got home she was so enthused planning out her craft I joined her in scheming something I could make from items already around the house. And we worked together for one hour while dinner baked. My finished product made Emma smile. Hers provoked a smile from me also. Can I tell you how utterly thankful I am that God gave me, not just a daughter, but this one?

Our Mumkin before adding a bow!

Emma's three dimensional multi-media art

Done with sharpie!

Update on Voluntary Wanting

Update: it's harder to want things than I guessed. So far this week I've had to remind myself five times that I'm not buying new things for myself. There was the sale at the Garden Patch Thrift Store (Go Greenhouse!) for 50% off women's clothing; then there was the whole conversation with myself about needing another belt; then I got the email from Funtiques full of lovely household items......

I have decided to buy two mums and two pumpkins for my front steps however. This falls under "seasonal decor for the enjoyment of the whole family" and yes, that's a category I just created when I realized I needed pumpkins now and a Christmas tree in a few months.

So far the response to my "shopping fast" has been a range of "oh, that's cool" to "wait, this isn't going to punish us is it?" (from my soon-to-be 15 year old.) My response has been disappointment, attempts to rationalize and also, peace. My one thought from this week as I debated about a belt with myself was, this would be a normal way to live in most parts of the world. So I'm letting that one marinate awhile.

Off to work and then an afternoon with my girl enjoying a shopping free activity of exploring an historic village in our town. Happy October!

Titus Two For U - Making Space to Want

Well, I told you about the book Seven that rocked my world this summer. It led me to deep thoughts about the way I see my role in this world and who God calls his children to be when He says we are "salt" and "light". I began recycling which is going great (other than the first three weeks when I forgot to put the tub out by the curb so by week three I had too much to fit in the tub and had to just throw it away. That was a fail. BUT otherwise, it's been lovely) .

So now God has been stirring another thought in me for a few months about how I fill up my wants so quickly. I'm actually quite a pro at it. I really can't remember a time I deeply wanted anything that I wasn't hatching a plan to fulfill it. The plan usually revolves around buying something, eating something or creating a plan to buy or eat something in the near future. None of these are wrong, of course. But at the same time, I hear God whispering to me, "Why won't you just wait on me to fill you up?"

So, as we head into the busiest shopping, eating out season of the year, I made a small resolution to answer God's whisper. It's a little bit exciting and a little bit daunting. I, Debi Russell, will buy nothing for myself for the next 6 months. I really thought it through and determined it was a good way to create a little space to want and let God fill. To allow Him to move in my heart in ways I can't when I feel all satisfied and stuffed and quenched. I just don't let myself be very hungry or thirsty, metaphorically. (or otherwise) When David says in Psalms "My soul thirsts for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water" I cannot relate. Not really. But I long to.

So, just to be honest, I began the resolution a month ago, meaning I have five more months to go. Here's what's included in my non-buying plan: clothing, home decorations, jewelry, books, shoes (no new fall boots, sigh), purses, lunch out alone or little gifts for others "just because" (as these are essentially for me, because I love doing that, and I can easily replace it with baking something or writing a note). Here's what I'm not including: gifts for birthdays/christmas for others, lunch with a friend, my nails (they're already part of my grocery budget so I'm going with them), a new planner in January, replacement of an item that breaks if it's my only one (like the hair dryer I bought last month).

Wish me well bloggy friends. I've taken off the shopper hat. I will absolutely keep you posted on the ups and downs over the next five months. Praying for God to give me His comfort and His joy as I say goodbye to my watered down versions of it for a bit.

Morning Chats with Myself

Here is the conversation I'm having with myself at 5:17am about going to work out in 10 minutes:

Why can't I just work out later? oh yeah, because I won't as evidenced by several years.
But it's so early. This is awful. No, awful is being a prisoner of war. This is just uncomfortable.
But I have cramps and a headache. And my work out shorts don't fit right. And isn't there something about modesty to be considered here? I mean, if the shorts are too tight..... stop it. you're just stalling.
Fine, but they ARE too tight. Agreed, and perhaps the working out will help in that problem.
Why can't I just accept the need to exercise like a normal person!? Other people seem to work out with no real internal conflict over it. Relax. One step at a time. You've never cared about being normal anyway. True. I just want to quit hating it so much. I'm sure there's a spiritual principal here but I'm too cranky to care. It's okay. Just go work out and then you'll be less cranky and maybe figure out what God wants you to know. 

There you have it. The whole back and forth over getting on an elliptical machine at 5:26 am.  

Titus Two 4 U - Embrace Weird

You know what's not weird in this world? Being on a band wagon against something. Everyone has some cause or issue they are against- abortion, republicans, democrats, taxes, gluten, Lance Armstrong, Lady Gaga, GMO's, public schools, homeschooling, and on and on and on. I will be honest and say I find it exhausting and overwhelming to listen to all the internet rant on why people ought to be against whatever particular thing the ranter is against.

You know what is weird? Quietly going about being for something. I have so many highly inspiring friends who have determined to serve people. To reach out and show others the love of Christ by actually doing something about the problems they see in this broken world. My old youth pastor used to say being a person who did not: drink, smoke, have sex, curse, see the wrong movies, lie, cheat or steal made you no more spiritual than a department store mannequin. Biblical Christianity has always been defined by active obedience, not passive abstinence. Yes, there is a place and time to take a stand against sin and injustice in this world. But I find it utterly ineffective if not accompanied by a life lived for the good of others. Jesus did not just stand around telling everyone how wrong they were. He got his hands messy as he touched sick lepers and ate with drunken fishermen and sat with the town harlot. He fed hungry people, healed the hurting and cared for children.

Being a suburban wife and working mom of three has it's challenges. One of them is how to get off bandwagons and onto the business fighting for people. I have found that there are really great ways to do this in my community through several ministries where I can be hands on relationally with folks who need some love and encouragement. I'll give a shout out to GreenHouse Ministry, Doors of Hope, Branches (where I also get to work!) and The Journey Home.

I personally had to embrace weird a long time ago because I'm married to a guy who was weird enough to think he should quit a job with benefits and a salary to work instead as a church planter in India and raise his own salary. (Still no benefits unless you count the really amazing chai he brings home) I work for a non-profit where the question is occasionally are we going to buy toilet paper or light bulbs. We decided to let go of the "American dream" for a bigger one and it's often terrifying but God has overwhelmingly changed us. 

How texting and facebooking are running amuck

I was sitting in a restaurant the other day watching a couple, probably ten years younger than I, at a table near me. They were both completely engrossed in their smart phones, presumably surfing the net although I can't be sure as I'm not that nosy that I would look at their screens to confirm my suspicions. (plus they were too far away to see even I had wanted to, not that I did) It was so strange to observe how they barely spoke to one another during the whole meal. Sad really. Now maybe they were studying, or had some urgent reason they needed to be on their phones- seems unlikely, but I suppose it's possible. But it just reminded me of how completely disconnected and fragmented we are becoming on the whole. I love the internet, texting and movies as much as the next gal- but it seems that anything good left unchecked just runs rampant.

the laptop I do all my facebooking from

I have, ever since my kids got cell phones, had various rules that "no one else's parents have" such as cell phones charge over night in the kitchen and get turned in before you go to bed. Or no texting during dinner. Or no texting while we are all engaged in some family activity, like a game night or movie. And of course, NO TEXTING WHILE DRIVING, which I have to remind and enforce upon myself as well. So these are general restrictions about using the phone, but I am beginning to see we all need to have some other standards as well if our marriages and relationships are not going to be undone by technology. Here is my list so far- not complete by any means, but a start:

1. No texting about tense, painful or emotional topics. Face to face, or at the very least by phone, is necessary. Too much miscommunication and loss of tone, body language etc. if you can't see or hear the person speaking to you.

2. No texting members of the opposite sex to "chat" or vent. Period. (If married)

3. No texting to scold, fuss at or otherwise correct ones children.

4. Unless it's an emergency, no texting or taking a call while otherwise engaged in a relational activity such as- on a date with one's spouse, in church, in the middle of a conversation with a friend, etc.

5. No using facebook to passive-agressively vent about other people. Again, face to face conversations are needed to deal with hurt and anger.

6. No re-connecting with past romantic relationships, "just to see what they're up to" or any other reason. I cannot tell you how many marriages have been devastated by one partner finding an old flame on facebook or some other social media, and ending up in an affair.

7. When posting a status, ask yourself: is this sarcastic, complaining, bitter, passive aggressive, gossip, divisive or impure? If it is, get off facebook and go seek the lord about what is going on in your heart. The bible says "out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" and very often our "innocent venting" is really a reflection of a heart that is not focused on Christ.

Ultimately every part of our lives as Christ followers is meant to bring honor and glory to Him. This is my attempt to bring glory to God in the way I use technology and not invite destruction into my life through foolishness. I'd love to hear your thoughts or decisions in these areas. 

Titus Two 4 U - Eat Up

I once heard it said that trying to grow in Christ by reading only devotional books, is like trying to nourish your body by watching a cooking show. You may be entertained, you might even learn some good things about food, but ultimately, you have to actually eat something in order to be nourished.

I have, throughout my 38 years, been round and round and round with "quiet times" and read-through-the-bible-in-a-year programs and reading one verse a day and well, any other type of Bible reading system you can imagine. I've had guilt and dread and pressure at times. I've also had delight and comfort and encouragement. It finally hit me one day that I have been viewing this whole Bible reading process wrong! It's not something I "have to do" or even something I "want to do". God calls His word bread. In other places His teaching are called milk or meat. In other words, God's word is the food my spirit needs. In my physical self there are days I'm more hungry than others, but I always feed myself. I accept the fact that I need to eat in order to be healthy and strong physically. Being around other people while they eat is simply not going to help me. Hearing about another person's meal is not going to help me.

Time to dig in for myself! God's word is rich and varied and so chock full of goodness! It mainly points me back to Jesus, and that is what I need most of all. If you've ever felt like the Bible was confusing or too hard to understand, just remember- it all points to the story of God coming to rescue us from ourselves. I suggest starting to read in the book of John. Try not to approach reading the bible like a book of rules. Listen instead for the story of God's love. You really can't go wrong as long as you are taking it in! 

It's Your Move

Sometimes in marriage, you just have to decide to make the first move. To get past whatever argument or disagreement or hurt feelings there are, and reach out to reconnect. Maybe you grab their hand, or you begin with some "normal" small talk or you say "I'm sorry"- but whatever it is, the easiest thing is to keep holding back and waiting for them to bring it up. After all, it's their fault anyway, right? If they had only said (or not said) this, if they would just pay more attention to you, if they would just be perfect, perhaps we would not be in this little mess in the first place.

In chess when one person has gone, they tell their opponent "it's your move". This lets them know the game cannot move forward unless the correct player makes a move. Also it's let's them know, I'm waiting on you. As in, Move It! (In chess, they are more civilized sounding than I am when waiting on my husband to come to the car so we can leave to get to church on time for example....) But marriage, is not a game. We are not keeping score, there are not winners and losers. At least, there aren't supposed to be. Either person is free to make a move toward the other at any time. It's hard to do because we give in to pride and fear. Pride says, make them take that step. You didn't do anything wrong, or at least not as wrong as them. Fear says, if you move toward them you'll never reconcile the problem- it'll just be swept under the rug so you have to pull away until they see it your way or agree you were right. But here's the thing: Love says, lay down your rights for the good of your relationship. For the good of your partner. In marriage like no other relationship, you have to decide what voice you will listen to- pride, fear or love.

But, remember, you are not the first one to ever take a risk on love. God loved you first. He initiated a reconciliation that you didn't even acknowledge you needed! The Bible says we were His enemies when he chose to love us. Not only that, but it also says His perfect love drives out fear. When I know I am completely loved by God, I can quit being in fear of not having my needs met, or not being in perfect agreement with my husband. God's love for me, allows me to love my husband better. If I let it. 

Hamster off her Wheel

Have you ever had your entire week just "thrown off" by one unexpected little twist or turn? That was my week, for sure and certain. I (obviously) did not plan in my September "surgery for Klynt" and even though he is recovering really well and being such a trooper, I have been completely behind ever since Monday. I went to bed exhausted every night, I lost my phone twice in one day, I sent emails without their necessary attachments. I even ended up grocery shopping at 9pm last night (which ended at 11:30 with the last item being put away), because I rearranged my work week to allow for being with my Klynters during his surgery, which meant rearranging all my normal wife and mom jobs too. Whew! I am delighted to be sitting in my jammies at 9:48am with a big ol' day of "whatever I want to do" spread out in front of me!

One benefit to being a little "off kilter" all week is it shakes me up a bit and exposes a few cracks in the surface of my faith. For one thing, I notice I am way more easily agitated when I am out of my normal routine. That comfort of the familiar and regular is taken away and I feel a bit raw. I found myself needing to apologize for a harsh tone with Emma or making an assumption with Kyler. It's humbling to see how easily my "goodness" erodes under a little pressure. I take so much comfort though, in knowing God does not crumble. He remains my one source of constant in an ever-changing life. I think part of my challenge is to learn to find more comfort in Him, and less in routine and schedule.

Another blessing of this week was questioning my norms. There are little ruts I dig that I never even think to alter, until they get altered and I realize it was better! Working out on Wednesdays around 8:30 worked great this week. Not doing laundry Tues-Thurs was not, in fact, a disaster. I'm still basically caught up. It was kind of nice being in my office on Friday and getting to visit with my Branches girls without the busyness of so many clients.

As thankful as I am for today's wonderful laid back pace, I am also choosing to be thankful for a week that felt hectic and weird and uncomfortable. God has been teaching me to choose gratitude over complaint for several years now, and when I pick gratitude it's amazing how much goodness and joy I find in things that used to bring me such angst. 

Oops!

I am swamped. Suddenly without warning, or my intentional permission mind you, my calendar has descended upon me like a boa constrictor. Tightening ever so slowly until I suddenly realized, "it's got me!!!" Sigh....

It all began innocently enough. I had this idea about beginning a "mentoring women group" which I casually shared with one of my pastor's, which then launched me into a coffee meeting, which ended up with me needing to produce an outline. Meanwhile, elsewhere on my calendar was a sneaky little commitment I made months ago to speak at an upcoming Chamber of Commerce panel breakfast representing my beloved Branches. No big deal..... something about the psychology of first impressions..... and besides that was way on the distance. However, I also remembered I had agreed to teach for our school, New Life University but it was two months away. And several months ago, I had this thought that it'd be great to help out our children's minister by coordinating all our kid's birthdays to send them cards and such from their teachers- and just received all the info this week via email to get started. Then Klynt broke his elbow and we had surgery thrust upon our week.

So last night as I was looking ahead at the month of September, which I had mentally rehearsed as an uneventful and restful month, I discovered I was already in the grip of "over committed". The speaking engagement and teaching gig are both on the same week that my husband goes out of town for work, and we have an Intensive at Branches. AND somehow I've got to get this outline completed, as I insinuated I would have turned it in two weeks ago. AND I need to get this children's ministry thing nailed down since I already said I would eons ago. AND my best friend from FL has tried to connect with me several times and I'm too busy to get on the phone with her!

This is the plight of a woman with ideas. Take note and learn from my mania. ALWAYS look at your calendar when making commitments. ALWAYS plan some space for random children interruptions to the schedule. ALWAYS pray before saying yes (which, in my own weak defense I did do regarding at least one of these!). Yes dear friends, I will survive my September and live to tell the tale...."remember that one year, when like a crazy person I committed to do way too many things for one woman but didn't cancel or back out of any of them because I had just enough guilt and people pleasing to keep me going?....." but it is my sincere plan to learn from this minor setback and do a better job balancing my delightful ideas with realistic abilities to accomplish them.

Ever so thankful that the Lord loves me and my sanguine spontaneous self, in spite of the fact that I fell asleep praying for the umpteenth time last night out of sheer exhaustion. So if you don't hear much from Millinery, you'll know I'm wrestling an overgrown boa into October!